Life's Fa-bu-lous!

Yawn! God, make them stop!

2010-11-09T11:04:00.008+05:30

Picture this. Yawn!!! You're the lone gay guy amidst a bunch of straight blokes and they are discussing something which you don't really care about. Yawn again!!! How many times have you faced this kind of a situation?

Being a part of such a group of straight boys is quite a challenge for most closet cases. Even if you're out to them, it can be quite intimidating. I can tell you from personal experience, the usual topics of discussion among the straight boys are as insipid to the gay palate as a dirty magazine would be to them without their centrespreads of big-busted beauties.

Nevertheless, on many occasions we find ourselves in social situations where we are probably the only gay person in a quarter mile radius. What do we do? Should we just walk away or should we stick around and feign interest? I, for one have tried both. Like in college, on numerous occasions, I found myself in a room full of guys discussing about the 'availability' of a certain girl or watching some straight porn. I had to excuse myself because it made me genuinely uncomfortable. Cricket and all other forms of sports were off limits as well as topics of discussion. Many a times, I simply faked interest in their banter just in a vain attempt to fit in. I can't say that I was successful in any of that.

The two options I spoke about above may work differently in different situations. In few cases, dashing to the nearest exit may be the best option especially when you know that you'd probably end up slashing your own wrists out of boredom at the end of the discussion. But in most cases, this may not work. Simply because, you can't run away from social gatherings or group situations just like that. If you do, people may label you as a 'prude' (trust me, I know) and that I am sure, you would not like. So, what do we do? The best recourse is to deliberately and cautiously try to change the topic of discussion to something which you find comfortable to be a part of. For example, if they are talking about Cricket and going on boring you with a ball-by-ball perspective about the latest match, digress the discussion by simply talking about the latest gossip about the 'alleged' link up between a certain celebrity and a cricketer. Or if they are talking rather grossly about a certain girl you know and her curves, simply say that you've some exclusive information about her. If they ask you, how, just put up a 'straight' face and tell them she confides in you more than any of them.

Faking interest is an art. You can perfect it only after several months if not years of practice. The first step to faking interest is to know that it's all about your facial expressions, eye contact, body language and using every possible tool at your disposal that will make it believable. The best way to start off faking interest is to start watching a rather boring TV show with a friend or a family member. Chances are, that if you manage to fake 'genuine' interest in the show, they'll either ask you to change the channel or say 'Why in God's name are you watching this'? When they do ask you that, just say "Sshhh, this is really interesting." If they ask you this, be rest assured that you're on the road to success as a 'genuine' faker. :) Remember, practice makes a man perfect. So, go on doing this until you become immune to the utter nonsense playing on TV.

The next step is to master eye contact. When someone is speaking something you care two hoots about, look into the eyes of the speaker for some time and then look around. Looking too intently at the speaker may well convince the speaker that you're some kind of a weird psychopath. On the other hand, if you don't look at him/her at all, that'll be dead give away that you're not interested. Equally important is your body language. Try to suppress your sighs and yawns. Those are give-aways too. Rest your cheek on your hand and nod your head every once in a while to show that you're actually 'listening' to what's being said. It's also a good thing to throw in some words like 'Really?', or 'Oh I see', or 'Hmmm'. Try using neutral words as far as possible. Avoid using sentences like - "I agree / disagree" or "That's a good point" which will entail that you participate in the discussion as well which you really do not want.

When the going gets too tough, its time to take out the last arrow from the quiver. When all the above technique fails, you've to find a creative way to excuse yourself. In today's world of communications, a call on your cell phone is the best way to leave causing the least heartburn. While the speaker is blabbering away, text a close friend to call you and when s/he does, pick up the call and dash to the nearest exit. After exactly five minutes, come back and say to the group that you've to rush as something came up. People wouldn't mind letting you go. The other way is to excuse yourself to the restroom and then take a detour from there never to return. You can later explain to the group that you left because you met an old school friend or became sick. This may work out really well if you're a part of a larger group of people hanging out together. You can find really interesting ways to make this last recourse seem as plausible as possible. Just remember, we don't really hate the person in question. He may be a close friend but we genuinely don't care about what he may be talking about. :)

Of friends in 'Pardes'

2010-11-02T07:19:00.003+05:30

I have tried hard to reach out and make some local friends here in Denver ever since I landed here in May 2009. I have created profiles on Adam4Adam, Manhunt and other US equivalents of Planet Romeo. I have even tried posting ads on the uber-famous Craigslist asking for friends. The efforts, though temporarily fruitful have not succeeded in the long run. I had got a few replies and even met a couple of people during my initial days in Denver. But within a few weeks, these folks disappeared into thin air. No amount of calls, emails or voice mails compelled any of them to give me a call back. The only people who lingered were a couple of 'desi' guys whom I had known from before. Anyway, this experience with the local guys didn't really encourage me to try and again reach out to them. I had been to a few local gay clubs but soon found out that if you are from an ethnic minority, the local people either treat you as an alien or 'exotic'. I didn't wish to be treated as either. Apparently, the gay fauna in cities like NYC, LA, SFO and other big cities is a tad better. However, as luck would have it, I am at neither of these places. :-(

After months of procrastinating the thought of actually finding some friends, albeit 'desi', here in US, I finally floated an email on one of the Yahoo groups that I am a member of, a couple of weeks ago. Ever since then, I have received a steady stream of replies, some from USA and some even from Britain and India. It has been good so far and most of the replies have been quite sensible, not the usual 'my stats, your stats' kind of email. There are a couple of guys from California, one person from New York and one person from North Carolina. They are all desis and probably that is why, I have been able to connect to them rather effortlessly. We may be from different Indian ethnicities, but the underlying fact that all of us are 'desis' at the end of the day, binds us in some kind of an unseen bond.

It's been a pleasure talking to them on phone or on chat. I have planned a trip to Los Angeles to meet one of them during Thanksgiving and later, during New Year, I may even drop into New York to meet the New Yorker. I am hoping that finally I will finally have a good friend circle here in 'Pardes' as well. :-) Wish me luck!

21 days in India!

2010-11-02T05:44:00.004+05:30

After roughly 14 months on foreign soil, when I decided to go back to India for a three week vacation, I was filled with a sense of anticipation and excitement. Anticipation because I was to meet a few people whom I was in touch with over the year; excitement at the thought of being able to savor the sights, sounds and more importantly the flavors of India once again. I was seriously longing for the roadside 'phuchka', the 'Chicken Roll', the 'Ilish Paturi' and countless other dishes.

My trip happened at the height of the monsoon season in India. As my Lufthansa flight glided down after a long 17 hour journey on the tarmac of the Mumbai airport, I couldn't wait to go out and breathe the moisture laden air. My Dad had come to pick me up at the airport. It was around 1:30 AM in the morning. It was drizzling lightly and by the time I reached home, I just couldn't seem to get enough of the Mumbai monsoons. And Mumbai didn't disappoint me at all. The next day, I checked out the spanking new Bandra-Worli sea link which is, I am sorry to say, a major letdown. Notwithstanding the engineering marvel, it's disappointing because you can hardly see Mumbai's skyline while driving down on it. Next stops were the Mahalaxmi and Siddhivinayak temples. My roller coaster ride in India had just begun.

Over the next weekend, we drove to Pune. We had to drive through almost pouring rain. At some points on the Ghats, we could hardly see what's ahead of our car. Nevertheless, the journey was enjoyable. The entire stretch of the expressway from Panvel upto Talegaon was lush green, numerous small waterfalls sprung out of nowhere, people had stopped their vehicles and were enjoying a quick shower under them. That must have been fun. After a brief stop over in Pune, which involved some official work, a jaunt to our office @ Hinjewadi, buying fish from Sus Road and a sumptuous Maharashtrian lunch at Naivedyam on Karve Road, we left for Mumbai around 3 PM and were back home by around 7:30 PM.

On Monday, 26th July, I, for the second time in my life went under the surgeon's scalpel. The first one had been when I was 8 years old and that was to make me 'Jewish' ;-). I had no clue at that time what that meant. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have gone for it. Anyway, this time around, the decision was purely voluntary. After a tedious 8 hour operation, I finally got back home.

The next two days were anything but comfortable. While I was confined to home, because of the pouring Mumbai rains outside, the surgery itself left me a little numb and uncomfortable. However, I had already booked tickets for my next stop which was the city of my origin - Calcutta.

Calcutta - the city is not really one of my favorites when it comes to living there. However, it never fails to amaze me. I was supposed to spend 4 days in Calcutta, with a one day lay over at Midnapore, which is my 'Mamar bari'. But I had to extend my stay by one more day because my visit wouldn't have been complete if I hadn't met all of my countless relatives and attended the grand luncheons and dinners organized in honour of the 'NRI'. :P Anyway, my visit to Kolkata was spent in the company of my relatives and indulging in gastronomic delights. Bhajahari Manna @ Hindustan Road, Kwality @ Park Street, Marco Polo on Sarat Bose Road - these are some of the places we had food. The food, kya kehna! :-) Lajawaab. Apart from these rather fancy places, I also gorged on Phuchka and Chicken Roll. Calcutta's roadside food is sheer bliss. It does away with your hunger but more than that, it also fulfills your soul. :-)

I met one guy in Calcutta with whom I had been chatting since September 2009. Let's call him 'S'. I met 'S' at Dumdum Metro station and we took a cab ride from there to Esplanade. We sat for a while at Blue and Beyond opposite the famous Hogg's Market or New Market in colloquial terms. It was drizzling lightly. The guy is perhaps one of the very few guys in Calcutta, I have actually met and liked. We drank a few beers and talked about the gay scene in Calcutta which according to him left much to be desired. I told him about the scene in Denver / US and he seemed totally excited listening to it. It was an evening well spent.

Next evening, I took the flight back to Mumbai.

On 2nd August, I finally left for Pune where my friends were eagerly expecting me. I landed up in Pune pretty late in the evening around 8 PM. Initially, I put up at this friend's place at Wakad. I have a history with this guy, which made living over at his place a little weird, especially when I came to know that he had a 'boyfriend' even though he never acknowledged that. What made me even more uncomfortable was that he had been flirting with me throughout the past one year. Moreover, his place was light years away from the actual Pune city where all the action was. On 3rd August, I made a trip to office once again, this time to catch up with my team mates. That day, well spent, I moved to a hotel on Ghole Road in Deccan on 4th August afternoon.

Over the next three days, I met a four more guys from Pune with whom I had been in touch through the past one year. It was nice meeting them. I also caught up with my old buddies from work, some old chums who were among my very first friends in Pune. As for sex, it happened with some of them and it was great! My 'dry' spell of the preceding 9 months had been broken. :-) Since, my birthday was round the corner, I called few of my very close friends to a dinner at the hotel where I was put up. We had a great dinner. I was supposed to leave Pune for Mumbai on 7th but decided to postpone by one day. As for how I ushered in my birthday on 8th, it was quite a lonely night, with me alone in the hotel. The only silver lining was that I probably became a little mature by realizing that it's not always what it seems and we have to be utterly careful when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart. Hopefully, this lesson will remain with me for a long time to come and stop me from committing the same mistakes all over again!

I returned to Mumbai on 8th evening. My flight back to Denver was on 9th August post midnight. The 9th was spent packing my stuff and getting everything in place. At 11:30 at night, my folks dropped me off at Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport and I bid them farewell for now. As I waited in the lounge for the flight to take off after all the formalities, the entire vacation flashed before my eyes. It was indeed a great trip. It made me happy, it made me sad, it gave me everlasting memories and some which I wish I could forget. But, I guess, that's what my life has always been all about. A little of this, a little of that! That's what makes me so FA-BU-LOUS.

Is there an end to this madness?

2010-10-02T06:31:00.003+05:30

I have been thinking about coming back to the blogosphere for quite some time now. After I came to USA, honestly, I have been either too busy or simply too lethargic to take to the virtual pen again! Anyway, being in the USA for a little over a year now, I have been constantly amazed by how this nation works. It is by no means an overstatement if I say that the oldest democracy in the world through innumerable sacrifices, mistakes, determination and sheer hard work has achieved its rightful place in the modern world where it is today.

Now, let me bring to you another picture. I am from the biggest democracy in the world - India - a land which traces its history to beyond 5000 years (at least historically). India has endured in its past several challenges and yet has managed to somehow preserve its culture and its globally accepted plural character. Not going into any controversy, not going into any long drawn effort to prove or disprove its plural character, I just have few questions to all fellow Indians who may be reading this. I by no means claim to be a historian or even an intellectual but still I feel compelled to give words to my thoughts as they bother me everyday.

India is a country of over 1.2 billion people - majority Hindus (or one of its bewildering number of sects) followed by the minorities Muslims, Sikhs, Christians, Jains, Buddhists and others. Probably everyone knows the history by which we achieved independence from our colonial masters mostly through non-violent means. Yet, the price that we paid for that independence by virtue of partition continues to haunt us even today - viz. the complex socio-political Hindu-Muslim equation. Whereas it can be said that the two communities have lived peacefully in this ancient land since millenia, it cannot also be denied that their entire co-existence in modern India has been punctuated by unfortunate (sometimes religiously and sometimes politically motivated) events which have left a bad taste in everyone's mouth. No one can disregard the horrendous carnages that took place during the partition or the subsequent riots that have taken place at various times in the last 63 years. However, even after all of this blood spill and mayhem, India has managed to survive. This is because of the good sense that prevails amongst the majority of the population irrespective of religion. You may be wondering why I am suddenly writing about this issue out of the blue. The reason - the recent Ayodhya verdict. While I accept the verdict with all humility, I am skeptical of the far reaching effects that this verdict may have on our nation.

I am a Hindu. I go to temples (on occasions), ponder over the great spiritual discourses that are hidden in the Gita, love the fascinating stories of Ramayana and Mahabharata and by the way I do believe that they are true historical events, do the occasional teerth yatra, enjoy the Pujas (more so maybe because I belong to Kolkata and Durga Puja is not merely a religious festival, it is a cultural festival as well). Still, I am not satisfied with what the verdict has been even though I agree that this middle path may be the least objectionable one. Mind you, I am not saying 'acceptable to everyone'. Let me elaborate further.

The court case that was decided upon is merely a case to decide who owns the title of the land and as we all know that case has been going on for the last six decades. Even though the case may be to simply decide on the title suit, the emotions involved with it are by no means simplistic. Since two religions are involved, it has more or less become a test of pride for at least a section of both Hindus and Muslims. Theories and counter-theories, proofs and counter-proofs have apparently been presented to the court to decide on this matter. Both the parties claim to have evidence which proves their unequivocal right over the land. The case is also complicated by bringing in the fact that certain Hindu right wing groups and parties have used this issue to garner support amongst the population by claiming to be the protector of 'Dharma' or by advocating the correction of historical wrong-doings of Islamic invaders and rulers (viz. demolition of various temples) at various times in Indian history. Similary, some Muslim clerics and groups have tried to portray this suit as another proof that a Hindu India is trying to subjugate the Muslims. Add to this, the absolutely deplorable act of razing the Babri Mosque (while the title suit was still in the court) and you have a potential mixture for a time bomb that is ticking away. This time bomb can however be defused before its horrific consequences unfold only if, we as Indians show the courage, prudence and maturity to do so. Religious beliefs and historical facts are open to interpretation but we cannot turn a blind eye to the events of that particular day in December of 1992 when 'secular' India was challenged more than ever before. That happened right before our own eyes (I was 12 at that time) and we all know what the aftermath was. Thousands were butchered and yet the same people who planned this macabre act are allowed to flourish and continue to rule the roost. This is absolutely pathetic. After the events of 1992-93, the civil suit for the land became intertwined with the criminal suit of the demolition. These can no longer be seen as not inter-related. I am now stating something potentially controversial - The verdict would have made much more sense if the Mosque had still stood in its place and the court had given this ruling. Because in that case, if the litigating parties had accepted this verdict, the re-structuring of the disputed land as suggested by the 1/3rd formula would have had legal sanction and general approval of the parties in concern and the public in general. However, this scenario seems very unlikely. Even if the Mosque would not have been demolished, I am sure the two parties would have moved the Supreme Court because of the 'Pride' factor.

But, since the Mosque was demolished, this verdict seems to send out a signal that the demolition has indirectly been vindicated. This is because, as I stated earlier, had the mosque existed even today and the contending parties had accepted this verdict as final, the demolition / restructuring would have happened anyway. The verdict apparently uses 'belief' as a parameter in determining where Ram was born thereby awarding a portion of the said land to the Hindus. Many legal experts have raised questions on this aspect. I am not aware of the law or legality of the verdict but I can understand that if belief is the cornerstone in a certain case then that sets a dangerous precedence in the long run. One day, suddenly you'll find people filing civil suits against each other simply because they 'believe' in something which may be contrary to what the opposing party 'believes' in.

The verdict is going to be challenged in the Supreme court by both the parties so that they can gain complete control of the land and not 1/3rd as prescribed by the High court. Probably another 60 years would have passed before that verdict is delivered but in the meantime can we at least punish those people with exemplary punishment who instigated the mobs to bring down the Mosque? Can they be made accountable for their actions? If law is supposed to be above everyone else, can they be made to kneel in front of it and ask for forgiveness?

Those who sympathize or support these leaders - I have a question for you. Five hundred years ago, when the temple was demolished for the mosque, if you had the power to convict Babur / his general would you not have done so? Would you not have singed your teeth in anger if you had seen your beloved grand temple being razed to the ground? Probably yes. Would you be able to do something? Probably not. Because at that time you could do nothing even if you wanted to. That was medieval feudal India. But fortunately, this is 'new' India - a phrase that seems to be the hot favorite on TV these days. The demolition happened in our life time and now we do have the power (via the law) to correct this wrong-doing. We need to do that. I hope we can at least do that. We urgently need to mobilize public support to push for the early and just conviction of those people who challenged the very fundamental principles on the basis of which this republic was established. Let this not be another case in the proverbial 'slow cooker' in which by the time the verdict comes, most of the accused are either infirm or dead. An early conviction of all the accused will be the best thing that we as a nation can strive for. That will rebuild the trust deficit between the communities an overwhelming majority of whom just want to carry on with their normal lives without looking at each other through a prism of suspicion. Let historical wrongs not dictate our present polity anymore. Twenty first century India cannot be held hostage to the demolition of a temple in sixteenth century India.

I don't know what the Supreme court will decide or who will get the final title deed. But I believe that peaceful co-existence needs to be driven so deep in our collective psyche that no matter what happens we always stay united and together. I have faith in our judiciary which has shown exceptional courage and farsightedness in many past judgments that it will consider all the issues impartially, based on evidential proof and legally before arriving at a conclusion. If you ask me, I personally think that we would do our nation a great service if we build a hospital or some other such public institution at the site which is beneficial to one and all. On the other hand, if we have to build a temple and a mosque side by side at that site, then let us make sure that the bricks used in the construction of those structures bear the names of all those unfortunate Hindus and Muslims who perished in the communal riots in 1992-93. Let there be a 'Kar Seva' by the families of those who were killed. Let the Muslim families contribute and toil in building a modest temple and let the Hindu families do likewise in building the mosque. In between the two structures let there be a plaque with the pledge that we will not be divided any further.

I started by saying that I admire America for many reasons. One reason is that the site of the World Trade Center is being rebuilt even to this day and even after recent controversies it will still have the names of all the people (of all religions) who died in the horrific 9/11 attacks. It will be a reminder to all American people and to the world to strive to live in harmony.

Denver's fabulous!

2009-05-24T10:19:00.007+05:30

Yes, it finally happened. After waiting for a ridiculously long time, I set my foot on Amreeka'n soil on 10th May 2009. The place is Denver, Colorado also called the Mile High City. It gets such a name because it is roughly a mile high above mean sea level. :) It's got the Rocky Mountains towards the west and from what I have seen, some of the higher peaks are still covered with snow in May, :) and apparently its summer time here. :D

I am here for work basically and so far it's been quite ok. The team I am working with is good and they are really sweet and helpful. I am put up with a colleague but I would probably move into my own studio apartment by August. One of the things that I find really unique about this place is the weather. Some of the days it gets really hot even to the point of sweating it out - like 30C and some days it gets cold with the maximum being just about 15C. :) The people are friendly and they smile at you even though you are a complete stranger to them. Like just today, I was waiting at this bus stop and there was a really cute guy sitting next to me and he started a conversation - asking me my name, where I was from, what do I do and likes. He was really cute and had blue eyes, and a whole lot of piercings. One of the piercings was on his lower lip. Ouch, that must have hurt, I thought to myself when I saw it. But he was really sweet, I even suspected he could be gay coz he appreciated my eyes. :P

Anyway, somebody I know in the US had told me about this classified ad portal called 'Craiglist'. I honestly do want to have friends here out of my work place coz it gets a tad boring to hang out with your colleagues all the while especially when they are married or straight and all they can talk about is either baseball, basketball or women. :P I seriously do want to have a set of gay friends here whom I could hang out with, go out to dinner with, go out shopping, or maybe head out to the nearest gay bar and dance the night away. And it seems to me that I have found some really great people.

I put an ad in Craiglist asking for purely platonic friends and got three responses so far. One of them was an Indian - Tamil guy to be precise called Arun. He is a really sweet guy and although he is married, he is still very much into the gay scene. I met him last weekend and he told me a lot about the gay scene in Denver - like the bars, the clubs, the bathhouses and the likes. He told me pretty interesting anecdotes about his 4 years in Denver.

The second guy's name is Greg. He is a nice guy too, probably in his mid thirties. Likes to talk a lot. I met him yesterday and we drove to a gay bar called JR. It's a cute little place near Downtown and it's a very comfortable environment. We spent roughly two hours there and he was telling me about his life, his family, his work and everything in between. We had a good time together and he was sweet enough to drop me home as well.

The third guy's name is Nathan, though he likes to be called Nate. I met him at a mall today evening. He is a really amazing guy and I had a great time with him. We went to a coffee shop at first and then drove around for some time before coming to JR. He introduced me to his good friend Steve. We talked a lot about his life, my life, about India, about food, about dance, about pets, about his relationship, about my crushes. It felt really nice to be with him and every now and then he would ask me if I was comfortable. I think that was really sweet of him. We decided to meet up again soon midweek probably for dinner and then over the coming weekend when his sister would join us too for something fun - maybe hitting one of the dance bars. :)

So, it's been good so far and I really hope that they find me worth their friendship coz I really need them to be around. I am looking forward to hanging out with these guys more and more so that I get to know them better and eventually be great friends with them.

I also decided to explore the city on my own. So, I also took my first suburban train from Downtown to Lincoln and back where I live. It was a fabulous experience. Its really amazing how well connected the different parts of the city are and you can practically reach anywhere without any hassle. As you begin to leave the main town for the suburbs the scenery changes and its all mountains and green meadows all around. It looks awesome. :)

Tomorrow, I am going out with colleagues to the nearby mountains. There are two places that we are going to - Caves of the Winds and Garden of the Gods. I am really excited about that, can't wait to take some fab photos and post them online. This will be my first trip in the US. :)

When I was taking the flight to US from India, I was kinda sad coz I was leaving all my friends and family back there. But now, I think it'll be a good experience for me and it'll help me in my growth as a person. After all, life is all about learning new things and making new friends.

I wanna do him!

2009-02-26T11:17:00.002+05:30

I have a bad habit! :-) Whenever I see a cute guy, say while walking on the street or even in my office for that matter, I immediately try to mentally strip him down and have my way with him. I wish, if only I could make out with at least 99% of them! Wow, just imagine that hottie I see everyday, in his bikini brief, staring at me with his piercing eyes, almost waiting to pounce on me....I'm not even gonna finish that sentence! I'm just gonna have a happy party in my head.

I was talking to this guy the other who is working in the same firm as I am. Presently he is posted in the US. He told me the only reason that he hasn't contemplated leaving the company for greener pastures is because, our company supposedly has the best eye candy! Now, that's a unique reason, ain't it? So, you see, I have every reason to believe that I am i good company!

There are actually about half a dozen guys (some in my office and some chat friends) who are on my to-do list. I don't really know them personally or havn't met them. Yet, when I bump into them at office, sly glances are exchanged and sometimes smiles too. While chatting online with the rest, I just imagine myself to be with them and have a happy party in my head!

So, here's my to-do list for you all. :-)

1. There is this really good looking guy in my office who is a stunner in all respects. Tall, well shaped, impeccably well dressed and a killer smile. Every time I see him, I go weak in my knees. I would love to be in his arms. Sometimes I wish, if only I could just fake a fall from the stairs when he would be around and he would rush to hold me in his arms! Wow, wouldn't that just be awesome?

2. There is another one in my office, who has droopy eyes and a lean frame, almost seems that he is hungry to make love - that one is the second in my to-do list. He seems to be a little hairy but seems really well endowed! I caught a glimpse of his thing in the rest room once. LOL.

3. The third one is also from my work place. He is cute-as-hell, with long eyelashes, a dazzling smile and an utterly delicious behind! There have been so many instances where he has caught me staring at him and I have turned crimson red!

4. The fourth one is a guy from Goregaon. He has been away from Mumbai for some time now because of an assignment in Bangalore. He is hot as hell and apart from that he is a gem of a person too!

5. The fifth one is a Punjabi guy from Chembur. I came across him just a few days ago accidentally and we have had quite a few chat sessions ever since. He is totally my kinda guy. Good looking, adventurous, level headed, smooth talker and is passionate about sex. :-) Hope to meet him soon.

6. The sixth one is a guy from Mahim. He has a killer body. I would so like to melt away in his arms even if it just for once.

There are a few more but I think they have become rather insignificant with time. I so wish that my to-do list translates into some real action soon! The guys from office, well, could be beyond my reach but I surely want to make it really special for the other three.Let me keep my fingers crossed! :-)

I wish to be reborn...

2009-02-02T00:46:00.002+05:30

I wish to be reborn...

As a 'normal' guy,

Perhaps, life would be a lot easier.

And not so dry.

They say I'm abnormal.

I wonder, am I?

Why does it matter to me?

Why does it make me cry?

Why do I care so much...

About what the world says?

Why is it so hard to find...

The nights of my endless days?

Why am I born this way?

Is it a curse that haunts me?

Is it a bane of a misdeed?

Or a way in which life taunts me?

I've heard love exists everywhere.

Then, why is it hard to find?

Is it because I am not worth it,

Or because I am simply blind?

They say 'our' life is unnatural,

It would lead us nowhere.

It's a story of looks and lust,

Of loneliness and despair.

I've still not found love,

Not found the ONE.

Yet, I've not given up,

My work's still not done.

They tell me to get married,

To some hapless poor girl.

Why, on earth should I do that,

And let myself ruin her world?

Yet, I don't have the courage

To live lonely till I die,

Perhaps, I have to become a ruthless man

And cover up the truth with a lie.

I pray to God to show me the way,

So that I don't hurt anyone.

But more so, I pray for myself,

So that I can find that someone.

I don't have much time in hand,

To decide what's good for me.

A lie, a compromise, a dual life?

Or a life of love forever to be?

Even if I find love,

How do I know it'll stay forever?

Maybe it'll wither away too

Just like a bunch of roses together.

Oh lord, make me find my love

And make it last till I die,

Give me the wisdom and the courage

To make it worth the try.

I give myself this chance,

To try and find a reason to live,

Before I resign to destiny,

Let me spend as much love as I can give.

Slumdog - My Review...

2009-01-29T22:21:00.001+05:30

This weekend, I saw the much-hyped and much acclaimed Slumdog Millionaire in one of the multiplexes in Bandra. I have never been a fan of India-centric Hollywood movies because most of them tend to portray India as a country of filth, poverty, religious hatred; not to mention the snake charmers and the half-naked fakirs. It seems to me that audiences abroad dig to see these things about India. And maybe that’s why such movies do so well abroad, bagging awards and accolades everywhere.

Anyway, Slumdog Millionaire is a story about the triumph of hope, about how a slum boy manages to win 20 million rupees in “Who wants to be a millionaire?”; how he knows the answers to the questions asked in the show through his life experiences and not necessarily bookish knowledge. The movie tracks the quest of survival of the young protagonist through his childhood, teenage and adolescence, about how he manages to grow in life despite every adversity and how he transforms every challenging situation into an opportunity for progress and development. Sounds rosy, huh? Well, it certainly is. The movie is doing so well abroad, perhaps because it spreads the message of hope in these trying times – when an ever grim economic slowdown is gripping the world in its tentacles.

So far, so good. As far as the message is concerned, the movie is quite likeable. The only things that bothered me about the movie are that it was overtly graphic and gross in parts. For example, it shows the young Jamal jumping into a pool of human excreta and then running out of it to get an autograph of a superstar. Or, a scene in which a young boy is deliberately blinded so that he can beg for alms. I feel that the movie could have been as moving as it is now without these bits or maybe these parts could have been handled more subtly. My views totally.

However, I must say that the acting of the child artistes is worth remembering. Their acting seems totally natural. The movie is worth a dekko for them if not anything else. The other actors have also shown a lot of promise. Mahesh Manjrekar, Irfaan Khan, Anil Kapoor have been flawless. The music and the only song of the movie ‘Jai Ho’ deserve credit. Go and catch the movie. Who knows, maybe you will like the movie in its totality, unlike me! J

My name is Sluttina!

2009-01-22T21:39:00.003+05:30

Everytime I look into the mirror, I see someone staring back at me. That someone looks exactly like me, dresses exactly like me; yet I don't like him. Often, he asks me questions - questions to which I have no answers. He mocks me looking straight into my eyes and laughs. His laughter often moves me to tears! It makes me evaluate my life and often I find that I am staring into emptiness.

When I watched Queer As Folk for the first time, I was awed by Brian played by Gale Harold. He is an alter ego for every gay man. He is ruthless, stoic and does not shy from calling a spade a spade. His life is an open book. He is an unapologetically promiscuous - sleeping with countless nameless faceless guys he picks up randomly from Babylon - the gay discotheque. Guys, whose names he can't even remember the next morning. He is totally against relationships, he does not believe there could be love between two guys. According to him, "I don't believe in love, I believe in fucking. It's honest... it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. " I absolutely hated Brian coz here was a guy who was totally opposite of what I wanted my partner / lover to be. But slowly as the episodes played along, I began to love his character. I secretly wished to be like him more and more. But sad thing is that I can't be like him. I am more of a combination of Michael - Ted - Emmett. Sensitive and love crazy like Michael, Insecure like Ted, unapologetically gay and a drama queen like Emmett. Yet, I want to be like Brian. If not Brian, I wish there was a magical spell that could at least turn me into a bisexual. LOL. Maybe that way, I could have married a girl and lived happily ever after. But alas, that's not happening either. Maybe, marriage is the only way out of this mess. So many gay men get married and try to lead 'normal' lives but sadly, I cannot imagine joining them.

I am saying this because every time I find myself staring into the emptiness, I start to feel that life would have certainly been much better off if I could think like Brian and act like him. My life has been predominantly empty. Friends have filled up the void to some extent but still there's a bigger void that keeps getting bigger and bigger with each passing day. I think my biggest drawback is that I try to be too friendly to people. I open up my life when most others try to keep their cards close to their chest. I tell them everything about me, every event that has shaped me as the person that I am today. I feel that I do give vibes to people that I am a slut. Well, honestly, I may or may not be (depending on what you think constitutes sluttish behavior) but I know that this certainly makes them tick me off from their list of prospective dates / lovers. I am so used to being ticked off, that nowadays although it feels bad, I get over it quite easily. Everytime I find someone interesting enough to pursue, I find that my feelings are not reciprocated. They consider me as a friend, but not more. :-) Well, that's how life is, for me!

I don't know when and how I will find love. Maybe I am emotionally too immature to find it ever. I also don't know how will I answer my reflection in the mirror when it asks me - "How are you going to live your life?" I will wait for the day when I will finally muster the courage and confidence to stare at my reflection straight in his eyes and tell him - "Every year I always wish for the same thing - a boyfriend. Someone to love who'll love me. This year I think I'm gonna wish for something else. The wisdom and maturity to realize that I won't find what I want by looking for it. Not expect someone else to give me what I never gave myself. That I'm not a half waiting to be made a whole. And even if that special person never comes along... I'll be just fine."

Amen! God bless me! :-)

My Online Profile...

2009-01-02T23:58:00.007+05:30

Hi, i am Jeet, you can call me anything except "dear". I am a boy trying to become a man, but have not reached there yet. :-) I am pretty ordinary looking, smart, well read, smooth talker, funny and really happy the way God made me - Loud and Clear, Out and Queer. :-)

I am Gemini to the core, have a dual streak in me. I love life and want to live it to the fullest. I am looking for a loving committed partner but have not found one. Some people say that my expectations are too high. I am just about average in terms of looks, have ordinary dreams and desires and yet I want my partner to be a prince from a fairy tale. There are times, when I go for months without meeting anyone, and then immediately thereafter I go about meeting people randomly just for carnal pleasures. You may find that really silly. :-) How on earth can I expect to find that 'someone' if on the one hand, I don't meet anyone for months and on the other hand hope that the fabulous sex will make at least one fall in love with me? Of course, such a guy is not gonna fall into my lap from the heavens. But believe me, I am always actively looking and in most cases when I begin to like someone, the guy doesn't find me worth it. :-) Sad, yet true!

Despite these rather perplexing contrasts, I am quite a level headed guy who likes to dance, shop, listen to music, collect and watch movies, write on my blog and share happiness and good cheer wherever i go and with whomever i meet. I am insanely funny, sensitive, an active listener, a die-hard romantic. I have an open mind to meet interesting chaps and then take it forward from there. Hopefully, acquaintance will lead to friendship which will then blossom into love. :-) While that special someone is always sought after, I would love to get in touch with people who would make my life a riot of colors.

Now, a few very important things.

ONE: Of late, I have been flooded with messages from 18-19-20 year olds as well as from over 40 year old gentlemen. I do not have anything against you but please do not send me messages. If you do, they would surely be dumped in the trash folder. I am NOT interested in twinkies or mature men!!! Please!!! So, save me the ordeal of replying back to your messages to clarify that. Anyone below 24 and over 32 is a big NO-NO. Exceptions to this rule would solely depend on what you got to offer apart from the usual.

TWO: Also, just a "hi" or a "hello, how are u?" or "how u doing?" doesn't really tell me anything about you. So, you shouldn't expect a reply either. Please do take the effort to write down some lines about your life as a whole and not necessarily your stats / likes in bed / sexcapades. Write to me about what you liked in my profile, or what made you write to me and what your 'real' intent is, in writing to me.

THREE: People, please write to me in good English. I am not being a prude and nor do I have anything against any of the vernacular languages but people who write to me saying that they 'leave' in Mumbai or God-Knows-Where, or that they want to know my 'states', should never expect a reply. And for Christ's sake, give up calling me 'dear'. If you have read upto here, you must have already noticed that I mentioned about that right in the beginning of this write up.

FOUR: Yes, finally, the unspoken golden rule - NO PIC NO REPLY. Come on guys, it's 2009 and you ought to have a pic of yours. If you don't have, click one for chrissake and put it up (even privately would do). If you're too shy / scared to reveal yourself then you should better remain in the closet forever. No need to sneak out from there and fuck boys every time you're horny or can't get a girl or can't make your girlfriend give you a blow job!!!

Oh, by the way, for the stats seekers - I am 28, 5.7, 28w, fair, smart, clean shaved, naturally smooth all over, boyish and yes, a ................... So, hit me up. You wont be disappointed. :)

Pass on the flame...

2008-12-26T23:43:00.004+05:30

As a child, I remember that I used to sit quietly and watch my granny do the daily puja in the “Pujor Ghor” every morning. She would chant holy prayers, decorate the images and idols with flowers and garlands and apply sandalwood paste on them. She would then bathe the Shiv Ling with water and milk. She would then do a small ‘aarti’ and finally blow the conch shell to signal the end of the ritual. This was the routine every morning. It used to take about an hour and half to complete the pujo!

It was from that time that I seemed to be drawn towards spirituality and our holy books. I used to buy small images of various gods and goddesses and keep them with me. I also got to read the Puranas, the Ramayana and the Mahabharat during the summer holidays. Upendrakishore Roychowdhury, the grandfather of legendary film maker Satyajit Ray has written wonderful books for children which contain detailed accounts from all the holy scriptures. They were written for children, yet they were fantastically detailed and used to fill me with an ethereal sense of happiness and profound knowledge.

I read through Ramayana and Mahabharat almost one after the other. In fact, I was reading the Mahabharat while the television series was still being telecast. But somehow, even at that small age, I found Mahabharat enormously more interesting than Ramayana.

Ramayana is a good story nevertheless, it has a lot to teach us but somehow I didn’t find the character of Rama to be as glorious as it is portrayed. I somehow couldn’t digest the way Rama treated Seeta and sent her away to the forest just to allay doubts of a lone washer man about her chastity and character. Though, many pundits have come up with remarkable explanations for this act, I still do not find any semblance of logic behind such a harsh step. Another incident which raises questions in my mind is the time when Seeta after being rescued from Ravana is asked by Rama to step into the holy pyre to prove her chastity. I somehow couldn’t and probably still can’t find any reason behind these acts of Rama.

An interesting story that I had learnt later was that before leaving for Panchavati, Rama had asked the Fire God, Agni to keep the ‘original’ Seeta under his protection. The 'Seeta' who went with Rama and Lakshman to the forest was just a ‘reflection’ of the original Seeta. So, when ‘this’ Seeta was rescued from the evil Ravana, through the holy pyre, the Fire God merely returned the original Seeta back to Rama. Nice story! But somehow it seems that it has only been cooked up only to prove that Rama could never do anything wrong to anyone. I am not saying that Rama does not deserve to be called great, I only wish that he could have been a little more human and not so 'divine'.

Getting to Mahabharat, the story is a marvelous piece. It has dealt with every human emotion in a way that no other book has, or ever will. Right from the marriage of King Shantanu to Ganga to Yudhisthir’s entry into heaven, the story is a fantastic tapestry of happiness, sorrow, success, defeat, avarice, enmity, envy and most importantly eternal knowledge. Knowledge - which is so profound that it remains relevant to this very day even after thousands of years. When I read the story for the first time, I was fascinated to know that the writer Ved Vyas himself is part of the story. He makes several appearances throughout the entire narrative – the most important aspect being that he is the biological father of Dhritarashtra and Pandu, whose sons the Kauravas and the Pandavas fought each other in the bloody battle of Kurukshetra. He makes an appearance once again much later and warns Draupadi to ‘take care’ of her hair as a subtle warning of her impending disrobing in the Kuru Sabha!

There are so many characters and incidents to talk about from the Mahabharat but the few characters that have had a lasting impact on me are Draupadi, Arjuna and Krsna!

Draupadi is perhaps the only woman in Indian mythology who chose to live life by her own standards and refused to be treated as an object. When she is dragged to court in order to be humiliated, she questions each of her five husbands about her plight. None of them can answer her questions. She takes a vow not to tie her hair unless the blood of Dushyasan is brought to her to wash off her humiliation. Draupadi is fiery, she is the epitome of womanhood. She proves her fiery nature when she asks Bheem to kill Keechak, the brother-in-law of the King of Viraat, for being lusty towards her. She proves that it is a woman who can either make or break a family, an entire race or a community. She proves without a shred of doubt that societies or people who do not respect women as equals are doomed for utter destruction.

The unique chemistry between Arjuna and Krsna is delightful. They are friends and yet Arjuna regards Krsna as his Guru. When Arjuna’s mind is restless just before the great war, he asks Krsna for guidance and thereby we receive from Krsna the teachings of Geeta! Geeta is not just a book, it is a way of life. It exhorts every human being to strive to be free from 'Maya' - the all pervading film of foolish emotions which baffles us everyday, to regard happiness and sorrow with the same feelings, to believe that death is inevitable and that it is not the end but a new beginning, to believe in doing one's own Karma and not to worry about the results, to strive to achieve salvation and getting rid of the cycles of birth, misery and death. It's a wonderful song that gives us enough to ponder and act on for the rest of our lives.

There are many small stories and parables in Mahabharat from which we can learn a lot. I sometimes feel very glad and proud that we as a generation have grown up seeing the Ramayana and the Mahabharat on TV. We may not know the inherent meaning of everything in the great epics but at least we do know the stories themselves. I do feel pity for the children of today. They are perpetually surrounded by computers and gadgets and are gradually turning into mechanized beings. They would probably never get to know about these wonderful stories from our past in as much detail or with as much attention as we did. Who could have ever imagined that kids of today would have to learn about HanuMan through a cartoon? And for many of them, he is not even a form of God anymore, he is just a superhero like SpiderMan or SuperMan. :-) But I guess, times have changed a lot. Kids have so many options for entertainment now that we cannot expect them to sit through over 100 episodes of Ramayana and Mahabharat. May be cartoons are the only way out! I just wish that the young parents of today would at least find some time in educating their kids by telling them stories from these wonderful epics from time to time. Maybe that's how our scriptures will pass on to the coming generations and fill their lives with eternal knowledge and bliss.

Say Cheese!

2008-12-05T09:59:00.001+05:30

I have always been a tad insecure about the way I look. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t look hedious. :-) I have dozens of friends, acquaintances and f*@# buddies who will tell you that they like the way I am. Albeit, for different reasons altogether. But I still feel that I am not how a pretty gay boy should look like.

I have a closet full of fabulous clothes. I have never really worn anything over the top. My wardrobe is stylish yet subtle, flamboyant yet not loud.

I also have a range of cosmetics (from scrubs to moisturizers, from mascara to sun-blocks, from toners to face cleansers) to help me with my beauty schedule. If you visit me on a weekend during the daytime, chances are you will see me roaming around the house with a face pack all over my face and neck. :-)

People do say that I have a keen eye for taste. I may take hours while shopping but my choices are always appreciated. Well, 90 out of 100 times maybe!

Methinks that I have a great attitude to boot as well and yet, when it comes to asking a guy out or meeting someone for the first time, I go weak in my knees, try to find excuses to dodge it. Just because, I think, he will not like the way I look.

I have my photos online and yes, I do grab quite a lot of eyeballs. Boys and men of all ages message me from all over asking me out for dates or ‘you know what’ and yet I still think that I am not good enough! :-)

Anyway, it so happened that one lazy Saturday afternoon in mid-July, I was looking at my own profile on guys4men and it suddenly struck me that I do not have any recent photos of mine posted there. I have not changed much from the old photos but anyway, I thought it would be nice to have a new set of good photos. After all, people tend to ‘hit’ profiles with new snaps more often than others. :-)

So, off I ran to the closest photo studio with a bagful of all the fabulously gay clothes that I have. I asked the photographer to do the needful. And boy he did. He took almost 50-60 odd photos with me in different postures and different clothes etc over the next two hours. At the end of it, I was quite surprised with the results. I have never looked so good in snaps. Ever. :-)

I have always known that it’s all about proper lights and the right expertise when it comes to photographs. They can do wonders to the way a person can look in front of the camera. This experience just reinforced that belief. Thank you, Mr. Photographer – I thanked him with all my heart and hopped back home with a wide grin on my face.

I posted a few select snaps on the gay dating sites that night. To confess, the messages have never stopped coming ever since! ;-) And I for once, am really happy with the way I look. ;-)
Now, all those whiny boys and queens who feel that you don’t really look the way you would like to, try out the services of a good photographer. Chances are, you will end up surprising yourself. So long, say cheese! :D

Orkut helps!

2008-12-04T16:54:00.002+05:30

Orkut has become tediously boring for me these days. It’s been months since I have actually used it to connect to my pals worldwide. I do get a scrap or two every month but that’s it. I do not find the idea of adding new applications and playing games on Orkut appealing at all. For the same reason, I de-activated my Facebook profile not so long ago. It was extremely complex to follow. All those invitations, the requests, the strange games everything was too much for me to handle. I like everything to be rather simple. Complex things scare the wits out of me. My idea of joining Orkut was to simply stay in touch with friends and folks. That’s about it. But now that Orkut has had to start aping Facebook / MySpace, it’s also becoming too cluttered day by day.

Anyway, if you are really interested, I have ‘another’ profile on Orkut. :-) You can call this the “gay”er profile. I am calling it that way because even my regular profile has traces of my inherent gayness! If you read between the lines, you will find copious pointers towards that. And moreover, more than half of the people on my friend list are gay too! :-) The only reason I created this new profile was so that I could feel carefree enough to add obviously gay profiles to my friend list (which have atrocious / too obvious names and / or have snaps of nude / semi-nude men as their profile picture). The intent was pure fun. I added quite a few such profiles, joined gay communities from Pune, Mumbai, Kothrud and even Sus Road. :-) But, as unbelievable as it may sound, even after creating the profile way back in July / August, my scrap count has still not even exceeded 100. :-P

The profile however is very witty and cool (methinks). It’ll tell you a lot about me if you have the patience to read through it. It’s not so long that you’ll doze up halfway through it. But still it hasn’t grabbed too many eyeballs! Sad face!

I have also posted some of my own photos. Thankfully, Orkut now allows the users to restrict who can view their album. I used that feature so that all the added “friends” could see my snaps. Alas! That too evoked lukewarm response. So much for getting laid! :-)

The only good thing that this profile allowed me to do is to set up a community for queer colleagues at my work place. Well, there were a few such communities already and they boasted of 100’s of members. But honestly, I didn’t think that all of those 100’s would be working for the same firm as I am. That’s just too much to even think of. I realized on closer investigation of these communities, that all of these communities were not moderated allowing anyone to join at will – just anyone. So, of course I was right when I thought that most of the community members were ‘fake’ colleagues.

That’s where I stepped in. I created a new community and labeled it to be the genuine one. I became the moderator and allowed only those folks to join as members who answered certain specific questions about the company. It has been good so far. The member count stands at a healthy 20 now and there are still some requests in pipeline. The community has been a little silent though lately, no discussions, nothing happening on that front. But I sure do feel glad that at least it will allow the members to individually connect to others if they wished to. God bless my community! God bless Orkut! :-)

I won. Thank you!

2008-12-04T01:49:00.001+05:30

I talked yesterday about a funny incident the night before “Bou bhaat”. Here goes…

There we were all the cousins (boys and girls) including the bride and the groom, atop the roof very late at night. A few of us were drinking and all of us were generally talking about everything under the sun. The topic of discussion veered from one subject to another before it ultimately came to our childhood and adolescence. Yes, the good old happy-go-lucky times! The groom embarrassed me to bits when he declared that it was ‘yours truly’ who had introduced him and his younger bro to the big bad world of porn! (Albeit straight, but porn nevertheless! :-)) Well, I have no regrets about that. It’s all a part of growing up. We yapped and yapped. About this and about that.

The topic of discussion was still related to our growing up years. The groom suddenly asked an open question to all – “So, what’s the maximum no. of times you have beaten off in a day?” Without realizing what I was getting myself into, I declared, seven. Winks. Well, to be true, I really don’t remember. It’s not something that is worth the effort of remembering. So, as far as I am concerned, it was just another random number. It would also be safe to say that since I was the eldest among the lot I was kinda hoping that the younger flock would certainly go much beyond seven. But to my utter horror and embarrassment, I found that I have won the epithet of “Shag-guru” hands down!!! A younger cousin who is 17 said thrice, some other said twice, some other said four times, someone said five. But that’s it. My cheeks turned crimson when they started doing the elaborate “bowing down with their hands help up” ritual for me and all this happened in the presence of the girls who were giggling away to glory. :-) :-)

After all this happened, even the gal pal of my cousin (who had flown down from Mangalore for the wedding) remarked that we were really cool to have actually discussed all that without even a trace of awkwardness (or so she thought!) :-) So, I guess it was OK. It all happened in good spirit and everyone enjoyed it. Though, I fear that the next time, I go to Kolkata and I meet those cousins, they may start doing the bowing down ritual all over again! I hope they have forgotten all about it by now. LOL.

The Big Fat Bong Wedding

2008-12-04T01:37:00.006+05:30

I spent the latter half of April in sultry, sweaty and oh-so-terribly-hot-that-I-hated-it Kolkata. Now if you have read my previous posts, you must know already that I have spent a good part of my childhood and adolescence in good ol’ City of Joy. Though I would say that Kolkata in those days was quite different from what it has become now. Or maybe, it was all the same, I was not aware of it. Anyway, whatever the case may be, Kolkata is awful in summers. Period.

The occasion I was in Kolkata for, was my cousin’s wedding. He is a convent school educated bloke who’s so utterly cool that I love him for that. Everything that he says, he does, exudes a special warmth which makes him so very adorable. He married the love of his life after a few years’ (or so I know) of courtship. The bride is a sweetheart. She is one of the most down to earth and effervescent Bong girl that I have met in a long time.

Now, just to digress a little, I tend to find Bong girls a bit too whiny and pretentious not to mention their tendency to become obese! Before you know, the school girl has metamorphosed into the “bhodro mohila”. Eww. There were quite a handful of them in my class in school and I was friends with a quite a few. In fact if you go through my “slam book” from school, you will more entries by Bong girls than anybody else. But even after all that, my outlook towards them remained all the same. They were just too “makey”. I know some of you may differ, some will say that all girls are like that, some will actually bay for my blood after reading this but anyway, as far as I am concerned, I have rarely come across a level headed Bong girl who can even begin to equal Sushmita (The Sen). J Yes, that’s my benchmark as far as Bong girls are concerned. :-)

So, there we were in Kolkata for the wedding. My aunt gave me a lovely “tusser” kurta, the color was a variation of blue, the fabric soft and silky. This was the first time, I was actually supposed to wear an Indian ensemble, complete with “dhoti” and “mojris” and believe me, God knows, I squirm even at the thought of wearing anything ethnic. Anyway, somehow, I convinced myself to wear that. So far so good. But the moment I stepped outside the house, I was sweating like a dog. The heat was unbearable and so was the humidity. It was a recipe for disaster. The wedding was solemnized in an air-conditioned venue, so the discomfort was alleviated a bit. But through the night, I couldn’t close my eyelids even for a minute (after returning from the venue to the bride’s place) because the fabric didn’t let any breeze pass through it and all the gang stayed wide awake “maaroing adda” to the hilt at the top of their voices. By the time morning dawned and we were ready for the “bidaai” I had almost gone crazy with the heat! I swore that I would stay clear of ethnic even if the world was coming to an end. And I would try to avoid visiting Kolkata in the summers as much as the plague.

The “Bou bhaat” (at Midnapore) was a nice affair. Even though the heat was unbearable again, the open air garden attached to the venue provided the much needed relief amidst welcoming the guests and keeping a tab on the received gifts et al. A special thing that I would like to mention is about the “Santhal” dancers who had come all the way from Jhargram to entertain the guests with their tribal dance that has been made so famous worldwide. Thanks to Satyajit Ray’s Agantuk. Their music, the drumbeats, the cymbals, their songs, their synchronized steps, their red-bordered cotton sarees, the flowers in their hair and the traditional tribal ornaments were oh-so-fabulous. Many of the ladies of the household including the bride joined hands with the dancers much akin to Mamata Shankar in Agantuk. It was such a splendid Kodak moment. :-)

The second "more Western" reception was in Kolkata. The venue was awesome. It was at the army territorial headquarters in Kolkata. It was air-conditioned. It had a huge garden which was deliciously decorated. And to everyone’s relief, there was a pleasant southerly breeze which was blowing. This was by far the best reception that I have ever attended.

So ended, the wedding trip to Kolkata. Amidst all the heat and discomfort, I had a deliciously fabulous time over the ten days. The wedding itself was divine and it’s memory is going to stay fresh for a long time to come. I was back in Mumbai before my folks returned because I was supposed to join office at Pune. Even as I was returning to Pune, I was going through the photos that I had clicked. The photos covered every single ceremony that happens in a Bengali wedding. I proudly shared the link to the Picasa album with my office folks. Most of them were seeing photos of a traditional Bengali wedding for the first time. I think what amused (or in some cases shocked) them the most was the sheer enormity of the fish head (“machher muro”) that is served to the bride on the day of the “Bou bhaat” over lunch. Many of my colleagues giggled when they saw the snap and asked me, “how on earth is she supposed to eat something as big as that?” I told them that it is just a custom and the bride just takes a few bites of it. Hopefully that convinced them. J I also hoped that the photos cleared many of the misconceptions that non-Bongs have about Bengali culture / weddings especially after seeing “that mockery of Bong culture” otherwise known as SLB’s Devdas.

I remember one particularly funny incident that happened the night before “Bou bhaat”. I will talk about that in my next post. :-)

Has she died or something? :-)

2008-12-04T01:32:00.010+05:30

Yeah, people! I know I haven’t updated my blog since forever and I am not going to make up some cock and bull (no pun intended) story to justify that. It’s been pure and sheer laziness. I know that at least a few of you must have wondered like Miranda Priestly (from “The Devil Wears Prada”) – “Has (s)he died or something?” :-) But no, thanks to the Big Girl above, I have been good. Okay, I am not going to jinx that. I would rephrase that – I have been doing pretty ok. :-)

Even as I write this, I am wondering if any of the folks who have followed my blog earlier, will return to read it after such a long hiatus. Not that, I ever had a fan following or anything even remotely resembling that but I certainly hope that they have kept peeping into my blog every now and then to check whether I have updated it. Oh Lord, maybe they have stopped doing that, maybe they have given up on me. :-( There goes – I am my drama queen self again. J Anyways, let me hope that those readers will return and keep on reading my blog as also the new readers who will have read it for the first time. I promise that I will never do the “Houdini” trick again. :-)

Okay, so, now that I have kinda apologized for my long absence from the blogosphere, where do I start? It’s been seven long months since I last posted. So much has happened, so many things I want to write about, so many things that I want to let the world know. Mmmm, so, where to start?

Okay, decided.

Let me talk about life as it has been in general. Lots of things happening simultaneously – on the work front, on the dating front, on the sex front. Some good and some bad. Some satisfying, some disappointing. I know I am saying nothing “new”. That’s how life’s supposed to be. For me, for you, for everyone. Nevertheless, it’s been one tumultuous ride after all. So here goes…

Leave us alone!

2008-04-02T20:56:00.004+05:30

Following are the excerpts from an article I found on the net. It's titled - "When Homosexuality Hits Home" as if it is some kind of a disease / misfortune / bane that has struck the family. It really pains me to think that a staggering majority of individuals like us are treated by 'our' own families like this. Where is the end to all this? Can the straight and the gay paths ever co-exist in harmony?

In this article - a mother talks about how devastated she is after finding out the truth about her son's sexual orientation and how she and her husband are trying to bring back the misled boys back to the path of righteousness and to Jesus!!!

The article starts with an incident which describes the nature of hate that most straight people bear in their hearts for us...

"I first became aware of how much I despised homosexuality when I worked at a savings and loan in 1981. Don [not his real name], referred to as a "queer" in our small town, shoved his savings passbook across the counter for a large cash withdrawal. He glanced over his shoulder and spoke to his companion, a good-looking boy of about eighteen. The boy laughed and his eyes met mine, full of mockery and challenge. I swallowed hard and shuddered, then handed Don the wad of bills, and they walked out arm-in-arm.

At home that night, I described the incident to my family in a voice tinged with disgust. "Thank God there's none of that in our family."

She goes on to say that she had a happy family, two sons, the elder one married, the younger one dating a girl. But things changed for the worse, when she had a bitter divorce from her husband of 30 years.

"The end of our thirty-year marriage created an upheaval in my sons' lives. Rick and his wife divorced about a year later. Tim abandoned college and joined the U.S. Marine Corps, going first to San Diego, then to Saudi Arabia and Kuwait during the Persian Gulf War. I prayed for his safety, not knowing a greater battle in spiritual warfare awaited his return. After his discharge in May, 1991, Tim remained in San Diego.

Then, on January 3, 1992, an emotional earthquake shattered my world. The pages of Tim's letter trembled in my hand as I read: "My sexual orientation has bothered me since I was twelve. Please, Mom, listen to me. I feel a strong attraction for men. I understand how you must feel . …"

Coffee splashed as I slammed my cup on the table and threw down the letter. No, Tim couldn't possibly understand, or he'd never have written this. I lurched up from the sofa, his words scorching my mind.

" … I am who I am, and it's taken me thirteen years to be able to accept this. … "

Thirteen years? No. No, I'd have known. What about his girlfriends in high school and college? How could he be gay? What happened? Where had I failed?

I fell to my knees sobbing. Then pulling myself off the floor, I grabbed my keys, snatched up Tim's letter, and ran to my car, taking off in the winter night.

As the speedometer reached 80 mph, a snow-covered guardrail suddenly rushed toward me. Terrified, I twisted the steering wheel. The car skidded, then held on the graveled shoulder. Peering into the darkness, I searched for familiar landmarks. Finally, I recognized a farmhouse. I'd gone more than fifty miles from home.

I pulled off the deserted highway onto a side road and stopped the car. Punching open the car's moon roof, I tilted the seat back and gulped clean, cold air. After a long while, I sighed. Okay, Lord, I give up. What do you want me to do? Switching on the map light, I picked up Tim's letter. This time I heard his pain: "I feel alone. I'm so afraid of my family rejecting me. … You're still my mom, and I still love you. I always will."

I had to hear Tim's voice, so I drove back to my apartment and dialed his number. When Tim answered, tears flooded my eyes. I told him I loved him, no matter what. But, I said, homosexuality is a sin. "You're not alone, Tim. I'm here and Jesus is too. God loves you. Remember Romans 8:38-39? Nothing can separate you from God's love in Christ Jesus. But you must renounce this lifestyle."

She has several chats with Tim, whereby she discovers that Tim had been involved in sexual indulgences (apparently reluctantly and being forced into it) with other boys since school. She is also shocked to learn that her ex-husband is a closeted gay himself. She almost assumes that her ex-husband must have been responsible for leading Tim on the deviant path. She asks Tim if anything had happened between the father and the son. How sick!!!

"I recalled other business trips when Tim was nine or ten. At the time, I was pleased my husband was spending time with this younger son. Did something happen then? I tried to question Tim, but he refused to talk about it. He didn't remember. He thought he'd had a happy childhood. I let it go."

She then begins to talk about how she plans to bring back Tim from the path of sin.

"I learned about a worldwide Christian ministry dedicated to helping men and women who want to overcome homosexuality and turn to Christ. From Exodus, I received the names of two Christian men in San Diego who had renounced homosexuality and were available to counsel others. Excited, I called Tim with the good news, convinced he would grab this opportunity to be free from bondage. I was wrong. He said he wasn't in bondage. He didn't want to be free from homosexuality. He said he was born this way, and Jesus knew.

How could he be so deceived? From the beginning, I'd taught him about Jesus, whom he had invited into his life at the age of five.

Through the years, I'd had no inkling something was wrong. Did Tim ever hint at trouble? Did I really listen? Were there dark secrets in our household? I don't know.

After Tim's letter in 1992, I regarded my adult son as a victim. "They" had caught and trapped him. "They" were faceless, nameless, evil people. Homosexuals. Enemies."

Just see, the choice of words in the last two lines.

"But God wasn't finished with me yet. That spring, Tim brought a friend home—a homosexual. The enemy had arrived on my doorstep. I was tense but quickly realized Tim's friend was even more nervous. I sensed his fear of rejection. Mothering instincts surged, and my heart reached out to him. He wasn't an enemy—he was a wounded soul.

My quiet times with the Lord changed from selfish pain and anger to genuine grief for Tim and others like him. Satan blinds them to the truth and deceives them.

The change in my attitude toward homosexuals was tested in my workplace where some of my colleagues apparently are gay or bisexual; I no longer avoid them. They're real people, just like me. The Lord's softened my heart, and I've learned to hate the sin while I love, or at least care for, the sinner."

She says that the Lord softened her heart but she still looks down upon all of us as deviants and with apathy.

"How can we reach these hardened hearts? For me, evangelism begins with friendship. I am one small part of God's whole plan—perhaps I can plant one tiny seed, and the next one will plant the garden, and others will nourish it. As I write, Tim seems resigned to being homosexual, but he gives clues that he's not a practicing homosexual. It's a fine line of distinction, perhaps even a rationalization. Only God knows the heart (1 Kings 8:39). Jesus, Tim says, is his best friend. I believe him. But I also know Jesus is more than a friend—he is the Savior and Lord. God heard that five year old's prayer inviting Jesus into his life. Even if Tim has strayed away, God hasn't moved. He'll be there when Tim chooses to resist the devil and listen to the Holy Spirit."

I have just three words for this lady - Leave us alone!

Have you met Geet and Aditya?

2008-03-31T21:37:00.006+05:30

My most favorite movie of last year has gotta be Jab We Met - one of the most loved movies of our times. Who in the world could have imagined that such a movie - devoid of any item numbers, devoid of any sex, devoid of any mindless violence would be such a runaway hit? When I saw the trailers of the movie for the first time, I had my doubts. I was thinking it must be a big bore. I didn't even like the song "Mauja Mauja" sung by Mika - simply because I don't like his nasal voice. Infact any nasal voice including our 'dear' Himess bhai makes my gut sick. Anyways, when the movie released, I didn't even go to see it for the first three weeks, neither did I hear anyone around me going ga ga over it. As of today, I have watched it over a dozen times!!!

It was a boring weekend and I had nothing better to do. I went to the local multiplex and after pondering for a while, I decided to buy tickets for the movie. The next two and half hours were absolutely fabulous. It was like a breath of fresh air, like a unpolluted mountain stream gushing out from some crevice. Everything about the movie was so simple - no magnificent sets, no filthy rich people, no chiffon sarees, no sloppy tears, no Karva Chauths, no Switzerland. Yet, the movie struck a deep chord in me. All the characters were identifiable especially the main protagonists!

I have seen people like Aditya (Shahid), not necessarily guys, who think life is a bane and have forgotten to live it. I have also seen people like Geet (Kareena), again, not necessarily girls, who live every moment as if it's going to be the last moment of their life. People like this have such a positive vibe around themselves that wherever they go they add to the happiness, they spread cheer around and I love that! All the dialogues in the movie are so meaningful. Like, in the scene in which Geet is about to escape with Aditya and she tells him - "I live life as I want it, so that if tomorrow something goes wrong, I would not blame anyone. I would know that I have that life because only I am the one responsible for it." Or like the scene in which she realizes that she was mistaken for a hooker when Aditya tells her about it and then she breaks down into tears blaming herself and her naivete for her miseries. Life comes a full circle for both of them - the transformation of Aditya from a brooding pensive individual to a happy-go-lucky person and on the other hand, the transformation of a bubbly vivacious Geet to being morose and sorrowful. This role reversal echoes in our lives all the time. Most of us have both these aspects within us. There is a constant tug of war going on within us. Our miseries try to make us miserable and our zest for life keeps us going! The key to winning this battle called life is to let the Geet within us take charge and drive us towards our goal.

Personally, I consider myself to be really lucky to be closer to Geet's character. I try to smile, take everything as it comes, I don't plan things, I just do it, I love to make others laugh, I love to make someone happy by a simple act or maybe just a few words, I love doing small things, I like to believe that everyone is essentially good! :-) That's not to say that I do not have shades of Aditya's character in me! I can be really pensive and gloomy at times but thankfully, God has given me strength to shed off that hood of sorrows, spread out my wings and aim for the sky.

What a cute ad!!!

2008-02-27T16:57:00.002+05:30

Wow! What a cute ad!

Hurray!!! I am 'one' already!

2008-02-13T10:32:00.004+05:30

This is funny! Straight men, give it a thought! LOL

Honey, let's get married...

2008-02-07T13:34:00.001+05:30

Recently I have started picking up Mid Day (the tabloid published from Mumbai) on my way to work. It's a really good newspaper with loads of information, news, tips etc.

There's a particular section in it called "Dear Diana" which is basically an 'agony aunt' column though I have my doubts if we can call 'Diana' an aunt. She seems quite a young person.

Anyways, many people write to her with all kinds of problems - marital, love, sex, relationships etc etc etc. I happen to read the column everyday and I must admit that like most other 'normal' human beings, I do enjoy reading about other people's problems and even smiling at times. Some of the letters that are published are outright hilarious, some seem to be cock and bull stories, some make you think about the sorry state of the lives of the people who wrote them, some make you cringe when you try to imagine yourself in that person's shoes. Some people write about all kinds of ultra stupid stuff.

For example, a few days back I read a letter sent by some girl called 'M' from Mumbai. Here's the extract from her letter.

Dear Diana,

I am a 28 year old girl who is being compelled to get married but I have no choice. I am very scared of sex because I've heard that it's very painful. Is the pain bearable? Can we both live together without sex? I don't know what to do.

With due respect to the lady in question, I would tell her, honey, you are God's gift to gay guys like us. Please find more girls like you who are 'scared' of sex and want to get into a marriage but stay away from sex. Believe me dahling, you'll be regarded highly by us. Most gay guys are tormented by their families for getting married. If we can find a girl like you, it'll be great. I am not being insensitive here. You will be our greatest friend, our most favorite house'hag'. We can give you tips on make up, fashion. We won't criticize you for nothing, we wouldn't be cynical like the straight men. So please, ladies, please help us. You'll love us as your husbands.

Isn't this just wonderful, guys? Just think about the life where you can get married to a girl but don't have to have sex with her, mostly because she doesn't want it at all. :-) Wouldn't it be great to settle down finally like the so called 'normal' guys? If you're pestered to beget a child, no worries. Nowadays there are 101 options to get a child without ever having sex with your conjugal partner. Let's all pray that we find one such girl. :-)

The Great Indian 'Dysfuntional' family...

2008-01-25T16:07:00.000+05:30

I have been staying away from my family for the last eight years now. I was brought up in Kolkata and completed my 12th from there. After that, I left them to pursue my graduation elsewhere. During graduation too, I hardly spent much time with them except on holidays. After graduation was over, I had hardly spent a month with them when again I had to pack my bags and join the company in which I am working currently.

I have been through a great deal over the last eight years. The past eight years have enriched my life in more ways than one. They have taught me to take care of myself. They have taught me to take care of my finances, to be able to choose between the right and wrong without any parental guidance, to be able to differentiate good people from the not so good without being told. It's been a learning experience all through. First in the college hostel - getting to interact with people from different regions / backgrounds having a varied range of tastes and likings. Later after my graduation was over, I have loved to stay on my own. I have begun to like the independence that I have been getting over these years.

It would not be an exaggeration to say that if now, I am expected to stay with my parents, I would be thinking twice before deciding to do that. You may be thinking that I am a moron. After all parents are the people who brought us up, who toiled hard to give us everything we wanted. They are the people who continue to shower unconditional love upon us to this day. They are our best friends. BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!

I agree. Nothing could be truer than this. But then in the Indian context, an Indian family not only consists of the parents and the kids but also the chacha, chachi, taau, taai, mama, mami, nana, nani, dada, daadi, bua and dozens of cousins. I experienced good as well as bad times growing up with the latter predominating most of the times...

But then, something changed somewhere. By the time I was 13, I started feeling distinctly different from the rest of my cousins / school mates. That was the 'awakening'. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was scared, I was confused but at the same time really excited about the possibility of exploring new unknown things on my own.

Fourteen years have passed and now I can say that I am happy with the way I have grown. I may not have had the best of fortune but I try not to regret anything that I have experienced over the years.

Most of us are quite happy with what life offers us, but suddenly one day, we hear that our parents are looking for some poor girl for us. Eww!!! This is where it starts to get on my nerves. Yet again! They fail to realize that it's our lives that they are talking about and we should be the ones to decide how we choose to live.

There's the father who thinks that his son is good for nothing and that he is always correct about every goddamn thing in the world. Well, honey, not this one! You say that you can tell a person by just looking at him/her. How come you have not noticed that your own son is "big flaming, feather-wearing, man-kissing, disco-dancing, Vermont-living, Christina Aguilera-loving, Mikanos going 'MO'?"

There's the mother who loves his son dearly but she is a tad confused about what she wants for him. She is torn between the son on the one hand and the husband on the other. If she tries to support her husband, the son walks out on her and vice versa. She is always in a soup. They may not see eye to eye on many things but join the chorus in unison when it comes to deciding their child's future. How unbearably pathetic!!! What they fail to realize that some poor girl's life could be ruined in the process.

And then, there's the extended family - the farty uncles, the bitchy aunts, the old hapless grand parents, the nosy cousins. They just need something to gossip about and they couldn't care less if things don't work out in the marriage that they are so excited about. They will come up with news of some NRI guy who came down, tied the knot and flew back with wifey the very next day. They will talk about some 'convent educated' working girl who is apparently very pretty!!! They will give you tips about how to impress girls. The cousins would pester you with questions like - "Do you have a girl friend? BLAH BLAH BLAH"

You can probably now understand why I don't consider it 'safe' to go back and stay with my parents. I don't want to end up getting married to a girl. I do want to get 'married' nevertheless, but to a guy who would love me and whom I would love! I really don't know what is in store for me. One of my younger cousins is getting married this year and I know for sure that after that I am gonna be pestered by my parents to start seeing girls. My God! Even the thought of it gives me goose pimples. Anyways, I just somehow wish that I am able to convince all of them that I am happy being single. And I just pray that somebody makes a pill that I can give to them so that they just forget about getting me married. Amen!

Unforgettable...

2008-01-07T15:35:00.000+05:30

Unforgettable, thats what you are

Unforgettable though near or far

Like a song of love that clings to me

How the thought of you does things to me

Never before has someone been more

Unforgettable in every way

And forever more, thats how youll stay

Thats why, darling, its incredible

That someone so unforgettable

Thinks that I am unforgettable too...

In the closet...

2007-12-03T09:22:00.000+05:30

I have known Ron for almost 13 years now. I met him when I was in Standard 8th. We used to stay in the same neighborhood in Kolkata; yet we didn't know each other. We didn't even know that we used to study in the same school. Anyways, I met him because my Dad had enrolled me for the school bus service and we used to take the bus from the same stop every morning. At that point in time, I used to be an introvert to the core. I couldn't speak to anyone, leave aside making friends. But, it was a pleasant surprise that I hit it off with Ron quite well. Infact I observed that he was like me in many ways - very gentle, very soft-spoken, very 'gay'.

Those were the growing years for both of us and I had this uncanny feeling about him that he is gay as well. There are several reasons for thinking like that, for example -

1. He walked with a little swish.
2. He was constantly teased by his neighborhood boys as being a sissy but he didn't care.
3. He used to make friends with the most beautiful girls in a jiffy.
4. He loved gossiping.
5. His choice of movie actors was always any gay guy's fantasy.

Even though we studied together over the next several years, we never spoke about this to each other. At times, we used to ogle on Akshay Kumar's bare chested posters from his various movies. At times, we used to swap dirty books with pictures and more often we used to discuss the man's endowment. I cooked up a story about a 'fictitious' cousin of mine who was supposedly gay. The surprising thing is that every time we have met after that, he has always asked me about that cousin.

A few months ago, I was just browsing through Orkut and I came across a profile which was obviously 'gay' and it carried his snap; albeit the name was different. I called him up and informed him that 'someone' (maybe himself) was using his snap on a fake profile. He sounded alarmed and after a few days, I found that the fake profile had been deleted.

It's strange that even though we have literally grown up together, we have never spoken about our sexuality. I have never told him about how life has been, all these years away from Kolkata and the countless men that have come and gone; nor has he told me about his. They say change is permanent. That it keeps you on your toes. If that is true, then I should have been a fuckin' ballerina. I have changed much over the years but Ron is still the same...Whenever I meet him when I am in Kolkata, I always find that he has remained the same chap I had come across aeons ago. He has not changed even a wee bit.

I have sometimes wondered if he has come to know me as I am. For example, the last time, I met him I introduced him to two of my rather flamboyant gay friends from Kolkata but he was really cool towards them. If he were straight, I would have expected him to raise an eyebrow and ask me a couple of questions, but he never did. I also wonder if he is really comfortable with who he is. He has always been this 'homebody' kind of a guy, I doubt whether he would have had the courage to explore his sexuality. This does not mean that he is introvert. He makes friends with both boys are girls in a matter of minutes but I have my doubts whether he has got the opportunity to interact with anyone of 'our' kind. If he hasn't it must be so stifling for him. Whenever I have asked him about marriage, he skirts the issue (like I do) and says that he is still a kid.

He has all the required traits - unrealistic body expectations, choosing fashion over comfort, living beyond means, hates sports, loves fine arts...Mamma Mia - he's got it, but I wonder if he knows it himself.

I really wish and pray that he stays the way he is coz it's rare to find simple people like him these days. I also wish that he gets the strength to come to terms with who he is and find happiness as he wants it! Amen!

Pujo in Kolkata

2007-10-24T19:27:00.000+05:30

The Train...

2007-10-09T18:29:00.000+05:30

This is one of my most favorite scenes of Satyajit Ray's many films. The film is the first part of a trilogy famous as the "Apu Trilogy".

This scene captures the inquisitiveness of two children about a train that crosses the fields. It is one of the most enchanting scenes ever filmed in Indian cinema.

...sealed with a kiss...

2007-09-23T02:02:00.000+05:30

I woke up to the chirping of sparrows on the Deodar tree just outside his window. When I crawled out of the bed, he was still semi-asleep. I picked up my clothes and went to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror. I could see at least a dozen hickeys all over the upper half of my body. My head was feeling light but it was a great feeling. I brushed my teeth and then quickly answered nature's call. I took a shower and when I came out, I found him sitting awake on the bed.

He smiled at me and said "So, sweetheart, how was the night?" I replied..."I never wanted it to end..." He said "It'll never."

We met his mum at the breakfast table after he took a shower. I became very conscious of her presence and was trying my best to hide the obvious signs of our passionate love making. But as they say, God made women cleverer than men! She obviously saw the signs, laughed and said..."Jeet, you don't have to hide anything. I am happy that you have brought laughter back into my son's life after ages." I looked up at her, smiled and said..."Your son has made me the happiest too!"

The next one month went by in a jiffy. We used to meet every single day. We used to go off to nearby places on the weekends. We took a weekend getaway to Goa and made love on a moonlit night on the beach. We attended parties together and clearly everyone noticed us together. People used to hit on him all the time but he'd just say "I am already taken."

Things were going on as a perfect dream. I couldn't be any happier. I had finally found a reason to live, not to just exist.

May 12, 2006. He called me early in the morning and asked me about my plans for the evening. When I told him that I didn't have any plans, he promptly asked me for dinner. I agreed. We met at the same restaurant where we had met for the first time. Over dinner, I noticed that he was not speaking much. I asked him "What's the matter? Is anything wrong?". He smiled and said "Nothings wrong. But I have to tell you something." I asked him "What?" He was looking rather perturbed as he said "Remember, I had told you when we met, that I had applied to the University of Ohio while I was still in London." I said, "Oh, yes, I remember that, what about it?" He smiled and said "Well, they have wrote back to me and have offered me a full scholarship." I said "Wow, that's great! So, what are you planning to do? Are you going to take it?" He said "Well, I am really confused. I don't really know what to do. I can't leave you and go to America." I said "Come on, it's not that you'll be gone for a lifetime. Sooner than later, you're gonna be back, right?" He said "I don't know Jeet. What if I don't get to come back? Ever since Mom has heard about it, she told me that she would want to come along with me too. She wants to stay with my aunt who stays in Glens ville, FL."

Then it hit me. This guy could be gone in weeks. What am I going to do when he's gone? How am I going to live without seeing him everyday? How? Why did God give it to me and just take it away like that? Why? Why? Why?

A surge of emotions overwhelmed me. But, then I thought why should I stop him from pursuing his dreams? Why should I stop him from getting whatever he wants out of his life? So, I said "Hey, come on! I think that's a great idea. You should take aunt with you. She would be so lonely without you here anyway. Come on, cheer up! You must take this offer. This could be once in a lifetime opportunity. You could really reach for the stars. And if you think that I am going to disappear, that ain't happening mister!" I smiled "I am gonna be here waiting for you to come back. Who knows maybe in a year's time, I could end up being there too! So, hey, you're gonna reply back to them and tell them that you're gratefully accepting their scholarship."

The dinner ended but I could feel that he was restless. I tried to calm him. But it was becoming increasingly difficult for me too to stay calm. I was just not prepared for such a turn of events. It was not that we had broken off but the pangs of impending separation was too much to bear. It was late at night, when we started walking hand in hand on the Bandstand. We walked and walked without speaking a word. We sat on one of the benches there and soon both of us were crying. We were in each other's arms as tears trickled down our faces. We tried to console each other but the emotions were too much too control. The night ended thus...

June 2, 2006, Mumbai International Airport. We reached the airport well before time. Aunty was consoling me all the way telling me that she would make sure that he doesn't forget me. He was looking pale and sad. I was sad too that they were leaving. Leaving behind memories that would always remain with me. We whiled away some time in the lounge. Finally around 11 PM, the check in started. We hugged each other one final time. We both had tears in our eyes. He just wouldn't let me go. I finally had to push him off me and say "Go!" Aunty hugged me. She had tears in her eyes too. She blessed me and said..."Son, you'll always be happy."

As they walked down the airport lounge towards the check in counter, the airport music system began to play the old number...

Though, we gotta say goodbye for the summer...
Darlin' I promise you this...
I'll send you all my love, everyday in a letter...
Sealed with a kiss...

It's gonna be a cold lonely summer...
But I'll fill the emptiness...
I'll send you all my love, everyday in a letter...
Sealed with a kiss...

~CONCLUDED~

...the passion...

2007-09-23T01:06:00.000+05:30

From all of my sadness, the tears that I've cried...
I have spent all of my life...
Waiting for tonight, when you'd be here in my arms
Waiting for tonight...

J Lo's melodious voice filled the air as I closed my eyes and started going over the events of the day! It had indeed been a dreamy night! A door clicked open and so did my eyes...and then I saw him...standing at the bathroom door, dripping wet in just a white towel. He had obviously taken a shower and had sprayed a sweet perfume which filled my senses with ecstasy! I watched him as he shook his head vigorously and his long hair sprayed a million droplets of water in all directions. As the water trickled down his head, to his neck, down his chest towards his navel...it evaporated! He was looking searing hot!

He had a mischievous smile on his face. He winked at me and came towards me. He was holding the towel with his hands around his waist! The water glistened on his smooth body! He came to me and shook his head again! The water from his head came down in a shower on me and I curled up in the bed. He fixed the towel in place and sat beside me. I could feel my breaths becoming faster and faster as he came close to me. His face was just inches away from mine. He looked into my eyes and I looked into his...and before I could close my eyes, his lips were locked with mine.

Our tongues entwined with each other and our eyes were closed. Without even opening our eyes, we could feel my clothes coming off, his towel flying away somewhere. I was lying down on my back on the bed and he was by my side. His strong arms clutched me towards him. He grabbed my head with one hand and pulled me by my butt towards him, never letting go of my lips. The kiss lasted for a life time!

When finally, we opened our eyes, we got to see each others' naked bodies for the first time. What I saw left me speechless! He could surely put David of Michaelangelo to shame. Yet, what made him even sexier was that he had a heart full of love! David was sculpted out of stone. This David was real! This one loved me!

He too loved what he saw! We didn't say a word to each other referring to each other's bodies. Our actions did all the talking. His hand glided down my neck to my back. Next, he pinned me down to the bed and came over me. He looked directly into my eyes and I looked up to his. He came down on me started kissing my neck, my shoulders. He started to lick every inch that he could reach. He worked his way down my neck, shoulders, to my chest! He bit into my smooth chest and gave me a hickey. He nibbled on my nipples and my earlobes. He licked every corner of my armpits. I clasped him with my arms and my finger nails went down his back. I played with his hair as he made me see stars with his magic.

It was my time to take charge. I rolled him over and climbed on him. He was smiling and it was clear to me that he was indeed liking every bit of it. I started the same way as he did. I started by licking his neck, poking my tongue into his ears and gently nibbling on them. My tongue glided down his shoulders to his biceps and then to his armpits. My hands tickled him on his waist. I moved back to his neck and gave him a love bite! He grabbed my head towards him as my teeth bit into his neck. When I was over with it, I saw that a huge hickey had appeared on the left side of his neck. I went down to his chest and licked every inch of it. He squealed in delight as my tongue encircled his navel. I nibbled on his love handles and it drove him into the peak of frenzy.

What happened next will go down as the most memorable night of my life! We did everything that was possible for two men to do to each other but what made it special was that it was not out of just lust! It was not 'sex'. It was love making. When we were spent, we lay in each other's arms. He held me close to him and my head was buried in his chest! We kissed once more. The CD had come back to the same song.

Gone are the days, when the sun used to set...
On my empty heart all alone in my bed...
Tossing and turning emotions were strong...
I knew I had to hold on...
Waiting for tonight when you'd be here in my arms...
Waiting for tonight!

To be continued...

...and the night continues...

2007-09-18T18:16:00.000+05:30

Love strikes you when you least expect it to! You seem to have lost your faith in the magic of love when Cupid strikes...and you're blown away by its sheer power!

We came back to our senses only when we realized that some car was driving towards us. We settled down in our seats and smiled at each other and then began to laugh and giggle! He started the car and we started to move again. Then he popped a question "Would you like to stay over at my place?" I was totally bowled over by the suddenness of the proposal and even though wanted to say "Yes" a million times over, I just managed to say "Aren't your folks around?" He smiled and said "Oh yes, they are but they wouldn't mind a guest." I still couldn't make up my mind and really began to wonder if it was really a good idea! But his eyes assured me and said "Don't worry, this night is going to be one magical night that you'll never forget." So, I said "OK". Soon our car stopped in front of a bungalow in Pali Hill. As he honked the car horn, a gate keeper came out and opened the gates for us. The car breezed in. As I looked outside from the car, I saw a beautiful building sitting in the middle of an equally beautiful lawn! I thought to myself, this guy surely has taste and smiled at my own destiny!

He parked the car in the garage and we got off the car. I had thought he would probably sneak me in, but no, he surprised me yet again! I could feel my heart beating faster as he held my hand and dragged me towards the main door. He rang the door bell. A few minutes of wait and a beautiful lady opened the door. It was clear to me that she was his mother. She must be in her fifties, her gray hair gave her an incredible dignity, her face had some wrinkles but she was looking as graceful as ever. What surprised me about her is that she seemed to be expecting us! She smiled at me and welcomed me inside. She was being a mother to me too! She asked me if I wanted to have something, if we had had dinner. Then she turned to him and said "Don't keep mama awake for so long to meet your date!!!" I was shocked!! My cheeks turned crimson. I didn't know where to hide. I just managed a sheepish smile. She obviously noticed my discomfort and re-assured me "Sweetheart, it's ok! I am glad that both of you are together. Anyway, I must head for sleeping now. You boys have a good night!" She waved us bye and headed for her bedroom!

He obviously sensed my amazement at the turn of events. He smiled, put his arms around my neck and asked "Are you surprised?" I said "You shouln't be asking that question! I am more than surprised!! This is like the ideal family to me!" He smiled and said "Well, its not been like this always! My Dad disapproved of my sexuality and even turned me out of the house! But my mom's been a sweetheart! That's why I spent five long years away from home! But last year my Dad died...and my mom was totally heart broken! She loved that man!! I thought it was my duty to come and stay with her after completing my studies! So, I came back! She was more than glad to welcome me!" I could sense that his voice choked as he spoke!

Whatever he said really moved me! I had always thought that rich people are probably the happiest people. But then, here was a guy who was hugely rich but had had his share of grief, sorrow and rejection! So, at some level, whether rich or poor, whether black or white, whether straight or gay, we are all the same!!!

Anyway, I couldn't speak much. I just went close to him and gave him a tight hug and he reciprocated too! We stood like that for some time and then he laughed and said "Are we going to spend the night here like this?" I was so lost in my thoughts that it took me a while to come back to my senses and I just laughed and said ..."You tell me, it's your night after all!" He cut me short and said "No, Jeet, it's OUR night! Come, let me show you my room!"

We climbed to the first floor of the bungalow and came to his room! His room was tastefully done! The room had lavendar walls, beautiful curtains, a soft plush bed, a TV with a Home Theatre system, an attached bath, a huge closet, a dressing table and a huge poster of himself just over the bed! Quite contrary to my expectations, the room was spotlessly clean! There were many scented candles of all shapes and sizes across the room! He had put up a chime next to a window and it produced a lovely sound as a gentle breeze rocked it!

He asked me..."How do you like it?" I said "Wow, your room is beautiful!" I flirted "But no wonder, a beautiful guy like you deserves such a beautiful room!" He giggled and said "Make yourself comfortable. You would need some night clothes, right? Let me get some for you!" He opened his closet and fished out a tee and a pair of shorts! he tossed them on to me and showed me the bathroom! "Go and get fresh. I will play some nice music for you..." I walked into the bathroom and began to get fresh!

When I came out, I found, he had switched off the lights and had lit all the candles and had started playing some fabulosly soft music..music that makes you forget everything and dance to its tunes! I came out of the bathroom in the shorts and the tee but he was still dressed as before. I just froze outside the bathroom door. Nothing could be more romantic than this! He looked at me and said "Like it?" I just blushed and nodded my head. What he did next was unbelievable. He came to me, went down on his knees and said, "Care to dance?" Before, I could even say Yes, he took me by my arms and we started to dance! WOw, this was really turning out to be the night of my dreams!!

The music played and we danced. We danced and danced. I looked at my reflection in his eyes and he looked at his in mine. We went on and on for I don't know how much time but soon we found that our lips had locked yet again...

He lifted me in his arms like a feather and put me down on the bed. He kissed me some more and said "Let me change into something more comfortable..." He stood up and as I saw him walk towards the bathroom, my heart skipped a beat! As the bathroom door closed behind him, I could feel that this night is going to leave me as a new person!

To be continued...

The First Kiss....

2007-09-15T06:31:00.000+05:30

He was looking as gorgeous as ever! He was a 27 year old bloke. He had piercing dark chestnut eyes, a dazzling smile, an alluring smell, strong arms, broad shoulders, a cushy chest. He was tall and everything else that a guy could look for in another. And most importantly he had a priceless heart which was in love...with me!

It was our first date! We had met in the cyber jungle a few months ago but there was something about him that instantly attracted me towards him. Contrary to my expectations, even though he had greek god looks, he replied to my message and we started talking. In the first ten minutes, the ice broke and it melted away.

Over the next several days we kept talking to each other. He was of course far far away from me! He was in Britain and I was here in Amchi Mumbai! He promised that he would return to India soon and he kept his promise. By the time he got his return tickets booked to India, we had graduated from cyber chats to hour long tete-a-tete on ISD. We were hopelessly in love.

26th March 2006. D-day! I couldn't sleep the whole night! His flight was supposed to touch down early in the morning. I kept looking at the clock and time seemed to stand still! I kept fiddling with my mobile phone begging it to spring to life. And so it did! He had just touched down and he called me right there from the airport. I felt a rush of excitement, a sensation that I had never felt before up and down my spine! His voice, his words - everything he said was etched in my memory for keeps!

30th March 2006. Today! We decided to meet today. The last three days had been really exasperating! I knew that he was in the same city but we couldn't meet up! He was too busy catching up with his folks. After all he had returned home after 5 long years! We decided to meet up in the evening at Bandra! As the appointed hour approached, I seemed to grow more and more restless. I simply didn't know what to do to make it perfect! I couldn't find the proper clothes, the right perfume, the right attitude! Everything seemed to be taking a toll on me!! I was trying too hard! But anyway, things cooled down and I reached the place a little before him!

He had driven down from his place on Pali Hill in a Merc E-Class. As soon as he stepped out of his car, several glances turned his way. He looked awesome! He was in a black lycra shirt that hugged his chiselled body like a glove. He wore fitting trousers that completed his 'dressed to kill' look! He had neatly gelled his hair and was wearing a small pendant in his neck! Even though he had dressed so simple, yet he had something about him that made him stand out of the crowd. He smiled and waved at me and started walking towards me!

I could sense my heart rate going up and my pulse racing as he came towards me! Everybody else around us seemed to vanish! It was just me and him! He came upto me and looked down into my eyes. I immediately drowned in those large chestnut eyes! He didn't shake my hand like most of my earlier dates did. What he did just swept me off my feet! He grabbed me by my head and gave me a tight hug and whispered into my ears - Jeet, I love you!

We grabbed dinner at a plush restaurant in Bandra. Throughout the dinner, we kept looking at each other! Even while we talked we craved for our lips to lock in a frenzied kiss! He told me about how the last three days had been and how much he had missed me! As I was eating, I suddenly felt his leg caressing my legs under the table! I nearly blushed to death! The dinner ended perfectly! He asked me whether i would like to go on a drive in his car.

I readily agreed. We drove round and round here and there trying to find the perfect spot for our first kiss! When we finally found the place, it was almost midnight! It was a small road off the Bandra creek! He pressed the brakes and the car screeched to a halt! As he killed the engine and turned off the car lights, the soothing blue light of the full moon drenched both of us! His silhouette was looking awesome in the faint light.

He turned towards me sitting in the driver's seat. He stretched out his arms, grabbed me by my waist and pulled me towards him. Our eyes met! I could see my reflection in his eyes! I began to lose my senses as he moved his fingers through my hair. His nimble fingers glided down my nape and my shoulders. It was pure ecstacy! I didn't need any aphrodisiac to enliven my senses. His touch was enough! He moved his head down and his lips began to tease me! He started to kiss my neck, my cheeks. He poked his tongue into my ears and I began to see stars! My eyes closed automatically as his lips worked their way across every inch of my neck and nape!!

My lips began to quiver in excitement! I could feel his warm breath on my body! His masculine scent turned me on like no one had ever did before. I instantly felt a stiffening in my loins! He was playing a tease! He would brush my lips with his but would not kiss them! He would lick my waiting lips with his tongue but wouldn't lock them into his own!! Time seemed frozen! Suddenly, in a rush, he pressed his lips against mine and they met for the very first time! Our tongue entwined with each other. I felt completely numb as if he was sucking life out of me! We kissed and kissed and kissed some more!!! I don't know how long it lasted...but when it ended I was ready for more!

To be continued....

Sex, Lies and Confessions!

2007-09-10T03:07:00.000+05:30

Every new day brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy...or that he'll like me...that we can change our destiny...or that life will change for better. We persuade ourselves we can live with our shortcomings...or that we can live without him. Yes. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that, come morning, it will all be true.

It's a gay gay life. Gay - the word. If you go to any lexicon, you would find that it literally means "being merry / happy." But have you ever paused to think that how many of us are actually HAPPY? We may label ourselves to be whatever is convenient for us to believe in, but it's the sad truth that we are all running after something - something that nobody knows what it is! :-)

That's why we lie.

We lie - when we meet someone who waltzes his way into our hearts with his moves, trying to convince ourselves that love will happen this time!

We lie - when a crush crushes our hearts and walks away with someone else - that he'll come back.

We lie - when we know that the relationship that we had put our hearts and soul into is going nowhere - trying to believe that it will not end.

We lie - when someone we like, doesn't really think of us in the same way, by telling us that he'll like me someday!

We lie - when we climb into our lonely gay beds every night, telling ourselves that we're happy! :-)

We lie - when we live in a state of self - denial about what we are - that yes, we can change our destiny!

We lie - when we go online and chat up with a random guy about what we really are!!

We lie - when we put up a mask of goodness, of compassion, of care, of simplicity, of being an angel to hide our ugly, rotten and satanic side!!!

We lie - about our pasts, we lie about our present and some of us even lie about their future!!

The only underlying truth in all of this is that we all lie! I don't know how many times we have lied about our so-called sexual conquests just to win some brownie points with the guy that we are desperate to nail down!

So, where are we all going? Are we going to live the way we are living right now 10 years down the line? Are our so-called friends going to stick around with us if something really bad happens to us? Are we ever going to find that special one? Are we ever going to be accepted and respcted by our families? Are we going to be happy when the final hour strikes?

At the expense of sounding pathetically philosophical, what I am trying to say is that I have started asking myself these questions! The answers?? I don't know! The standards that most of us have set for ourselves are way too high! We all need a "6'1", 46 inch chest, 16 inch biceps, 28 inch waist, 160 lbs, 9.5 cut"! A veritable god to be precise! But little do we realize that in our search for that impossibly perfect guy, we are all ending up being more and more lonely day by day!

I have looked around. Had had several crushes, a couple of heart breaks! At times, I have had mindless sex with 'n' number of guys and then when I am done having it, I have paused and thought "Will he stay? Will he go? What am I doing? Why am I doing? How am I doing?"

So, after all these years in gayville, I have come to realize that all of us are as vulnerable and as insecure as can be possible! What we now need is to confess our imperfections to ourselves, to tell us that the veritable god does not exist!! We need to open our eyes to the naked truth that the a wrinkled little time clock is ticking away somewhere!! We need to confess to ourselves that we will not run after a mirage and begin to live in the moment! We will reach our hand out to someone who is waiting for us! Someone who may not be perfect but hey, then you ain't perfect either!

Then, love will find us and life will find a way to give us what we are all looking for - LOVE!!! So, let's stop lying to start with!!! A new morning will come and all that we desire will actually come true!!!

Ichchhadhari...

2007-09-08T14:51:00.000+05:30

When I was a child, I was awed by one movie - Nagina! Sridevi, the demi-goddess of those times, was an absolute treat to watch. She played the role of the 'Ichchhadhari Nagin' so effortlessly, that it seemed that she indeed was. The way she changed her form from a human to a snake and vice versa can give any sorceress a run for her money! Anyway, the point is that I liked the movie so much that I started to believe that such things can happen indeed. Infact, I still do! :-P

Ok, now let's look at what this 'Ichchhadhari' concept is. This concept is very simple. Apparently if you do a penance for a 1000 years, you can get a boon from Lord Shiva whereby you can change your form from whatever you are into whatever you want to be! Now, skeptics may argue that no one can survive for a period that long to see the end of the penance. But honey, then we are not talking of ordinary human beings. We are talking about a selected few who have the god-gifted power to do a time warp that could condense those 1000 years into something more manageable like 10 years probably!

But, whatever, let's not get into the discussion about the technicalities or the feasibility of such a penance. Let's talk about something more interesting. I guess most would agree that we all think that we as fags are special people. God gifted each one of us with some unique characteristic which no straight person can possibly acquire. Now, let's assume that we are born with the 'Ichchhadhari' ability. That would possibly be the most delightful thing that could ever happen to us.

Imagine, you really like this gorgeous guy, toned and cute, with a smile to die for. But alas! He is straight as a reed. :-( You want to 'do' him and yet you know that he cannot be seduced even after the legendary 6 drinks down his throat. What to do? What to do? No problem at all, ladies! Remember, you have got God's greatest gift. You immediately change yourself to a sexy seductress (Honey, I know we are all sexy and we all can seduce but by that I mean, one who has biolgically the female parts). He is sipping some wine sitting alone at the counter. You slither across to him and strike up a conversation. Your 'puppies' draw his attention and before you know, you are dancing in his arms on the floor. Time elapses and before the night draws to a close you find yourself staring at his nakedness in his hotel room. Your heart begins to race. You can feel the blood pumping harder in your heart. He lifts you in his strong sinewy arms and plants a kiss on your lips entwining his tongue with yours. You pull him towards you and your long nails go down his muscular back. He goes down on you teasing every inch of your body with his naughty tongue. You feel his manhood saluting you. His eyes burning with lust and desire. He lifts you up and you cling to him with your legs around his waist and arms around his neck. You continue to kiss him wildly giving him love bites. He takes you to the bed. And that night turns out to be the most amazing night that you ever had.

Ever given it a thought?? Just imagine how would it be!!! Whose form would you like to acquire to nail the straight guy you have eyed for years or even the cute gay hunk who looks down upon you like worm? Let your imagination run wild! :-P Have fun day dreaming! :-)

The Firm!

2007-09-08T12:15:00.000+05:30

No, this is not an excerpt from or even a review of John Grisham's novel. :-) Read on to know more!

When I joined my present company, I had no idea that one day I would find so many 'like minded' friends in here. Much before I joined the company, I came across a group on Yahoo which was a forum for people like us from the company! I joined the group and dropped a message that I would be joining the company's training facility in Mysore. Soon enough, a couple of people messaged me saying that they would like to meet me!

One of them was at an overseas location at that time (he still is) - Sumi. The other was supposed to join the same facility a few days after me! I landed in Mysore on 26th June' 2004. The next two months there were memorable in more ways than one. Ours was a batch of more than 80 people. We were grouped in groups of four. It was work, work and more work all the way. Completing assignments, projects, attending lectures, last minute frenzy all became a part of our lives. But nevertheless it was great fun!

In the midst of all this, I met the guy who joined the facility a few days later. 'Sun' was a tall, dusky bloke. We instantly bonded and began to spread some gay cheer around the campus. Whenever we got an opportunity, we would hang out together! The crowd at the facility was fabulous. Mostly because, there were guys from every corner of the country and hence there was not a moment when we didn't have someone to fancy! :-)

After two months of training, I had to leave Mysore and 'Sun' behind. I was posted to Pune, close to Mumbai, my home! I was thrilled. Life moved along as it should have. I came in touch with a guy 'MB' from Mangalore. 'AB' contacted me on Orkut. He is married alright, but he has his heart in the right place. Both of them soon became good pals. MB soon left for an onsite assignment to the States.

Sometime in early 2006, 'Sun' contacted me from Bangalore. He told me that one of his college juniors SR had been posted to Pune. I met SR a couple of days later. He is from Delhi but is a Bangalorean by heart! Infact, he swears by his Bangalorean identity. He doesn't like Delhi much. Till then, I didn't have any close gay 'friend' in Pune. SR soon became an integral part of my life. I came to know two other fellas from the company through Orkut at about the same time. One was NS from Pune and the other AV from Hyderabad.

Days became months, months ticked into years! SR and I used to hang out sometimes, met often at office. It was fun to be with someone in office who was at ease with what we are! I met NS too in Pune. He is a one of my closest friends and confidantes now. AV was at onsite at that time. I got to meet him only when he returned in Jan 2007. He has grown from being just a friend to become one of biggest inspirations of my life.

In late 2006, I came in touch with 3 more people from the company. One was from Pune - AC and the two others from Bangalore - BR & FM. I met AC in Pune and BR & FM when I went to Bangalore in January 2007. FM introduced me to VV. My circle of gay friends in the firm was indeed growing.

AC and I soon became inseparable! We hang out together even to this day, going for lunch, tea together. We are shameless enough to lech on people right in front of them! :-D Anyways, AC knew a couple of people too in the company. He introduced me to them.

One day, a thought came to my mind and I started a forum online! It was a mailing list. Initially there were about 6-7 people on the same - Me, AC, SR, AV, VV, FM and NS.

Social Networking sites like Orkut, MySpace etc have invaded our lives. This was the first time I actually saw it at work. It was social networking at its best after that! Simply by word of mouth, the mailing list drew more and more people to it. More and more people got introduced to the mailing list one by one! LJ, KOP, MM, RG, SD, SAM, SUM, VM, BR, MB, JF, MK, RJ, SH have joined one by one at different points in time!! It's now a vibrant mailing list of almost 25 people. We have loads of fun on it! :-) We generally swap interesting anecdotes from our lives, coming out stories, travelogues, our photos, discuss anything and everything from our fears to our dreams.

It's really fun to be able to connect to so many people of diverse interests. Some of them are exceptionally talented. Some are good in dancing, some in photography, some in playing the flute, some in writing!!! Everyone has something unique about himself. It's as diverse as the gay pride flag. We have certainly proved that contrary to the stereotypical belief and mindset that we cannot think anything beyond sex, we as people can bond and build relationships too!

This group is now an integral part of my life and I cannot imagine being unable to connect to them even for a single day. I wish that one day, we have legitimate LGBT forums in companies in India as well. Thankfully, our firm in its policies says that no discrimination will be allowed on the basis of sexual orientation. This, I believe is a good sign. At least, the company recognizes that there could be people of alternate sexuality in its work force. However, even though the company thinks that way, since 90% of its workforce is Indian, the stereotypical belief about homosexuality being some form of perversion runs deep. It will take a lot of time and effort to actually convince these people or even the general public at large that most of us are like them! We have the same dreams to be happy, to have a few extra rupees in our pockets, to have our own home, to find a soulmate, to be successful, to be loved and to love someone!

I am glad that the times are gradually changing. Of late I have come out to quite some people and none of them have reacted adversely. The winds of change are blowing. I am really glad that our small mailing list is playing some part in breaking the myths and painting the town with a riot of gay colors!!! Long live The Forum! :-)

The Bong Konnection!

2007-09-03T18:35:00.000+05:30

My experience with the Bengali male has been a tad disappointing! Even though I spent a good part of my growing up years in Kolkata, I never really fancied any Bengali guy! There was one exception though! His name was Adhiraj and he was undoubtedly the hunkiest Bengali guy in the school. He was my first serious crush! Even though we became good friends, I could never tell him how I exactly felt about him! Sigh...!!!

Somehow, over the years I have grown to believe that due to some divine intervention Bengalis do not exactly fit the bill of the stereotypical gay! Come on, after all 'we' hail from the land of men like Tagore and it doesn't really befit 'us' to act like normal 'gays' who lust and crave for flesh! :-) 'We' simply have a superiority complex. And that applies to every Bengali, whether gay or straight, whether man or woman!! That's why you would find fellow Bengalis sticking to each other in even the remotest corners of the planet!

During my days in Kolkata, I used to closely observe the Bengali boys! While most other boys (read non-Bengali boys) used to freak out and have loads of fun, our Bengali boy would religiously oil his hair everyday. Then he would comb it until his hair was so glued to his head that even a hurricane couldn't ruffle it. He would then have a sumptuous lunch of 'Maachh Bhaat' and then trudge to school. His mother would arrive in the evening to pick him up from school and drop him to tuition classes and at the end of the day the son, the father and the mother would all sleep happily ever after...This image was so common that it remains etched in my memory to this day. Mothers running after their sons and daughters 24x7, feeding them while the son/ daughter diligently revises his/ her lessons before the 'porikkha', dropping off the kid at the exam centre with the complete entourage of Baba, Ma, Bhaai, Bon, Pishi, Mashi, Mesho, Mama, Kaka, Kakima, Dadu, Dida and even the family pet! Thankfully, the author of this blog was a notable exception! :-)

Therefore it used to be a pleasant surprise to see a Bengali boy who was none of this!! But then their numbers remain dismally low even to this day. Kolkata is therefore definitely not the best place to find guys! During my last few years in Kolkata, I got introduced to a few guys here and there! Through them I came to know that Minto Park and Nandan in Central Kolkata were the gay hang outs! I visited this place a few times either alone or with them but I am sorry to say that no one really appealed to me! It was a hangout for a bunch of fairies who would squeal in orgasmic delight at every passing cute guy! The only people I ever connected to well, while in Kolkata were visitors either from Delhi or Mumbai.

Even when the modelling and movie industries are abuzz with a bevy of so-called Bengali bombshells like Sushmita, Rani, Bipasha, Konkona or the lesser known Koena or Tanushree, the Bong men have never quite commanded a second look from anyone! Bengali men have always been known as the intellectual or communist kinds who couldn't care any less about the way they look or dress! They would rather yell at the top of their voices under the scorching sun about the injustices of the 'kendriyo shorkaar' but never care to do the human race a favor by wearing a deoderant! To expect such men to be even remotely gay would be a nightmare that would last till Doomsday!

Even though Kolkata prides itself on being able to organize gay pride marches every year, it desperately needs a crash course in what it means to be gay! Being gay is not merely about walking down the streets in drag and yelling for gay rights! Darlings, you guys are just reinforcing the stereotypes!!! It's a lot more than that! Guys from Delhi, Mumbai, Bengalooru or even Pune can definitely teach these guys a thing or two.

Everytime I have been to Kolkata in the past few years, I have met people. But strangely none of them originally belong to Kolkata! Like, last time I met this guy Charles who was indeed born and brought up in Kolkata but had Malayali roots! I guess that made him more desirable to me! I met another fella called Bobby who was a Bengali but then he had never been in Kolkata for more than a month at a stretch! He had been brought up in the States! I haven't really come across too many desirable Bengali chaps in Kolkata! Of course, exceptions do exist like Debjyoti or Swapnoneel who can undoubtedly be regarded as the best that Bongs can ever be!

I have met Bengalis in Mumbai and in Pune. But strangely, they have never really lingered beyond a few meetings or ..... A notable exception has been one guy who although born and brought up in Bengal has UP roots! However he himself feels like a Bong! :-) He has been a great friend for quite some time! I really cherish the time we have spent together. If somebody asks me whom would I consider to be desirable, I would reply guys from Delhi / Mumbai / Bengalooru top the list! Punjabis, Gujjus, Catholics, Mallus and now Maharashtrians have always done me in a way that no 'real' Bengali ever has or ever will!

But hopefully, things will change for the better now. With a host of IT and BPO companies setting up their centres in Kolkata and a large population of migrants from different corners of India, the gay scene in Kolkata can be expected to receive a much needed overhaul. Even though Bengalis still form a major chunk of the population in Kolkata, the Bengali gay population is still by and large unpalatable! :-) That's why it's no surprise to find cute looking hunks from Bombay or Delhi who stay in Salt Lake or Camac Street searching fervently and desperately for some 'do'able men on Manjam or Guys4Men. I happened to chat with one such guy called Rohit a few days back! After a brief chat with him, I realized that the IT and Call Centre boom in Kolkata has thankfully aided its gay fauna - we now have cute men from Delhi, Gurgaon, Bombay, Hyderabad and Bangalore in the City of Joy, all trying their very best to spread some gay cheer.

Keep up the good work guys! Kolkata desperately needs you. :-)

Memories from yore...

2007-09-03T15:22:00.000+05:30

My life in Kolkata has always evoked mixed feelings. Even though I was brought up in Kolkata and stayed there for a good fifteen years (1984 to 1999), yet I remained relatively unaffected by the stereotypical Bong culture. This was primarily because, I was brought up in a cosmopolitan environment. Since my Dad had a job which could send him off to far flung places, my parents thought it wise to have me study Hindi instead of Bangla.

My school is one of the biggest schools in Kolkata - South Point. At one point in time, it had a student strength of about 13000. My class consisted of a veriety of students from all corners of India. This was the only class which was cosmopolitan. All the other classes had only Bengali students. Ours was the only class in which Hindi was taught as a second language in addition to English. In all the rest, Bengali was the secondary language next to English. We had the most spoilt kids - Marwari brats who had pocket money running into hundreds even in those days, a few Tamils, a few Gujaratis, a few Mallus and us - a handful of Hindi learning Bengalis.

Anyway, the point is that because of such an environment, I never had any Bengali friends except an occassional one or two who were also in my class. So, I never got to interact with any one who actually was bred in Bengali culture. For a good part of my life, I couldn't read or write Bengali. I tried painstakingly to learn the language by trying to read the billboards, the movie posters, Anandabazar Patrika - the leading Bong daily etc and asking my parents for clarifications. After years of effort I finally managed to scroll my first letter in Bengali to my granny. She was more than happy to get it even though it may have been 99.99% wrong in spellings.

Some of my best friends in school were non-Bengalis. There was S. Ramdas - a typical Tamil guy, Kalaimani Kartick - another Tamil, Abhishek Dhingra - the Punjabi 'bong' :-), Nitin Jain - the frail looking sweet Marwari boy, Prakash Parakh - the little girly Gujarati lad, Rashi Agarwal - the ever studious Marwari girl, Rachna Saha, Bijal Kamdar, Arati Bhartia and my only Bengali friend of those times - Priyadarshi Sarkar - the topper of the class. These are the people whom I grew up with. They went out of their way to help me in times of need and I reciprocated in equal measure. Among all of them, Kartick, Ramdas, Nitin and Priyadarshi deserve special mention.

As part of the curriculum, we are supposed to learn Sanskrit for two years in Standards VII and VIII. We, as Hindi students had no option but to choose Sanskrit. But Bengali students had the option to either choose Hindi or Sanskrit. So, we suddenly found a set of new classmates who had joined our class for Sanskrit lessons. Most of them were Bengalis. During the Bengali lectures, they used to leave our classroom and go to some place else to attend their Bengali periods. Even though, we had new classmates, I never was too close to any of the Bongs around. Neither did I feel the need to bond with them.

Around this time, my cousin came down to study in Kolkata. She became one of my best pals around at home. We could discuss anything, we could laugh about anything! It was she who introduced me to the world of English fiction. It was she who inspired me to be confident of myself. She spent a good 3 years with us till her graduation was over. It was her presence at home that made my home life more colorful and cheerful than ever before.

I remember a very funny incident from Std. VIIIth. It was a Physical Training period and the boys were supposed to attend the same in shorts. So most boys used to wear shorts inside their trousers and get them off during the period. I hated the idea of undressing in front of all these guys and girls and so mostly, I used to wear only shorts on PT days. So, anyway, on that day, all the girls had left the classroom as usual and the boys were in various states of undress. Soon, most of the boys also left and only 5 including me remained. I was putting things in place and arranging my school bag. Even I was about to leave. There was this rowdy group of 3-4 Bong guys who had joined recently and they were the ones who used to discuss birds and the bees quite openly in the class. These guys were fooling around and suddenly, their discussion turned to the 'size'. I felt my ears turning crimson in embarassment. These guys huddled in one corner of the classroom and were flashing their 'stuff' to each other. I dashed outside when I suddenly saw a girl running wildly towards the classroom. I signalled to her not to go inside but she didn't really understand what I meant. I waited outside the classroom to see her reaction. She went inside, stood for a second and did an about-turn. When she came out she was visibly shocked. I smiled at her and we started laughing our hearts out. For the remaining time during the PT class, we were constantly giggling. A good ten minutes later when the 4 guys joined us in the PT class, their faces were flushed red. It was a hilarious sight.

Durga Pooja - the primary Bengali festival was spent amidst a lot of fun! We used to run off to our granny's place on most occassions. It was great fun there! We didn't see too many Pujas in Kolkata. We spent most of the Pujas in Midnapore which was about 120 kms from Kolkata - a small idyllic town akin to Malgudi of R.K. Narayan! :-) We were pampered a lot there! Infact, most of our long holidays like the month long summer and Puja vacations were spent in Midnapore.

It seems funny that although I spent a good fifteen years, I seldom went to places of interest in Bengal. We neither went to Darjeeling nor to Shantiniketan, nor to the Bengalis' favorite get away - Digha. Plans were made on numerous occassions but they fell flat on their face! It's also queer that I seldom roamed around Kolkata on my own. Infact, the only time I went to the much hyped Kolkata Book Fair was in 1996 when a huge fire razed it to ashes!! I had just gone there to take a look at the trail of destruction! I never went inside Victoria Memorial. The only time I saw the Indian Museum or the Botanical Gardens at Shibpur was because the school took all of us on educational trips. I visited Dakshineswar, Belur Math a couple of times, Kalighat probably 3 to 4 times!!! And that was all. I still don't know more than 75% of the places in Kolkata. :-P At one point in time, I used to squirm at the thought of going to places like Garia or Behala or Tollygunge! My Kolkata began from Ravindra Sarovar and ended in New Market! :-D

Anyway, back to school days! Things changed in Standard IXth. In Standard IX, all students are divided according to the additonal subjects they choose. Most of my non-Bengali friends settled in for Economics. I selected Biology. So, suddenly I found myself in a completely new environment. We were just 3 or 4 Hindi students in the class of 60. The rest all were Bengali students. For months on end, I felt completely disconnected. We, the Hindi students used to stick together and we hardly made any new friends in the new class. The only guy whom I knew among the Bengali students was Ranjan. I had known Ranjan since Standard VIIIth, because we took the school bus from the same bus stop. We had started talking since then and instantly became good friends. Over the next 4 years, Ranjan became one of my closest buddies. Infact he was probably the only Bengali friend whom I could open my heart out to. We used to go to tuitions together, catch movies together, explore about the birds and the bees together and go for evening walks together and engage in constant 'PNPC' that Bongs excel in. (PNPC = Poro Ninda Poro Chorcha - in layman's terms, it's a polished word for Bitching ;-))

I remember another anecdote vividly. This was in Standard IXth. There was this Bengali guy in our class called Adhiraj Ghosh. He was extremely cute and it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that he was my first serious crush at school. I secretly admired him and wanted to be friends with him, but I didn't really know how to approach him because that would have looked rather silly. Anyway, the opportunity presented itself in form of Friendship day. I decided to give greeting cards to a few selected people whom I wanted to be friends with. This was just a conner. I had to hide my obvious interest in Adhiraj and that's why I deliberately made it look like that I was interested in making friends with some other guys too!!! After mustering enough courage, I finally walked upto him and gave him the card. He accepted it. And soon enough we became good friends as well. I could never tell him what I actually felt for him but just the fact that he was around me made me happy. Since I was one of the brainy chaps in class, he used to come to me for notes etc. I was soon a regular at his place. I got introduced to his mom, his dad and his elder sis who incidentally shares her name with my sis as well. :-) It's sad that we couldn't keep in touch though! He moved to Bangalore right after 10th. Later I heard from one of his cousins that he had gone off to the UK. Ever since that, I have tried to find out about him but to no avail.

Standard XIth and XIIth were a roller coaster ride, quite literally. After scoring moderately well in the Xth boards, the science subjects of Standard XIth were too much to comprehend. So, much so that the 'never happened' actually happened. I flunked in Physics in one exam, Chemistry in the next and Mathematics in another!! But then, I was not the only one. That was the plight of a majority of the students. We were all promoted to XIIth with warnings to improve our performance. A flurry of new tuitions one for each subject kept all of us on our tenterhooks for the next two years. I particularly dreaded Mathematics. It never made any sense to me especially the solid geometry and calculus parts! Ranjan was equally apprehensive of the subject. Both of us had the same Mathematics tuitions. It's a miracle really, how we managed to clear all the subjects with good grades in the XIIth boards! :-)

1999 was a turning point in my life. I finally bade farewell to Kolkata leaving behind a past and looking forward to a future. My days in Kolkata taught me a lot. The trying circumstances at home taught me how to be hopeful in even the most adverse situations and how to make the most of it. It taught me that life is too valuable to be spent brooding over the past. We must live every moment and learn to live every moment like that moment is gonna be the last moment of our mundane lives! If we succeed in doing so, then when we grow old and look back we would not have any regrets! :-)

People say that Kolkata is a dying city! A city full of contrasts - the city of filth, a city where the poorest of the poor live! Yet, it has given us some of the best luminaries of all times like Tagore and Ray to name a few. It is a city where an octogenarian toiled till the very last days of her life to serve mankind. Even though I never had any special feeling for the city while I was there, it is only now that I feel a sense of belonging to the place. I want to go back to my roots over and over again!!! Never have I felt so much connected to the place. It leaves me with a sense of pride to belong to a place which once was the jewel in the crown of the British Empire!!!

The truths of life...

2007-08-31T10:58:00.000+05:30

"Solitude vivifies; Loneliness kills."

Loneliness is a sad affair. I refuse to be lonely anymore. I need someone who will walk beside me, with fingers entwined, who will make me feel complete; Someone who believes that there is much more to life than raw animal passion; Someone who believes that “Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything.”

"Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love."

I realize that friendship is the first and most important step. You cannot love someone unless you are his best friend. Friendship begins when two hearts begin to beat as one. And that is when; a small sapling of love grows on the soil of friendship. All you need to do then is to water it with truth, belief, trust, passion, companionship and a lot of hope. Love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. It knows our negatives yet accepts us as we are. It warns us against impending misfortune. It rings the bells of happiness even before we realize it. And that’s why friendship is a precursor to true love. Indeed someone has rightly said “Never refuse any advance of friendship, for if nine out of ten bring you nothing, one alone may repay you.”

"Nunc scio quit sit amor – Now I know what love is."

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A good looking guy walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity. Perfect love is rare indeed and finding it is even rarer - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar, the forgiveness of an ascetic and the fortitude of the certain. If to your delight you find that the sapling that grew on the soil of friendship, has taken firm roots, then you’d know that you’re a step closer to finding perfect love. It is very important that you realize that "You can't love anyone until you understand that you can't love everyone."

"Your happiness is in inside you."

Sulking over the past never leads anyone anywhere. I am determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. The problem with most of us is “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

"Confidence is the sexiest thing that you can have. It’s much sexier than any body part."

Before loving anyone, you need to love yourself. You need to confident about yourself, about your looks, about what you wear, about what you want, about what you’re looking for in others. Not every one of us resembles Adonis. But we can always become Narcissists. The confidence will instill in you a fire that will keep your soul alive which will not die out in the face of adversity. Make this confidence your sex-appeal. I am sure you’ll do yourself proud. Love is not just the coming together of bodies; it’s a state where two souls become one. Never make love when you really don't feel it; there's probably nothing worse you can do to yourself than that. Remember, not every one is worth your body and more importantly your soul.

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

God has given us this life not to waste it lamenting over the past or worry about the future. He wants us to reach out to him and the best way to do that is to do something worthwhile. People claim that we are mere puppets in God’s hands and everything happens because he desires it. But no, I refuse to agree. God has created man in His own image which is a reason enough for all of us to realize that God has grand plans for each of us! But we humans choose to waste life doing worthless things. Don’t let God have the last laugh. Don’t let your life go waste. If God is a comedian and our life is a comedy, then enjoy every bit of it and laugh out aloud.

Love thy neighbor! :-)

2007-08-27T11:11:00.002+05:30

I have been staying at this cute little place for almost a year now. It's a row house and I occupy one of the three rooms on the first floor. It's got an attached bath, a balcony, and I have tried to make it feel like home. I have put up blue curtains, got a TV with cable, my PC with broadband, a closet full of my clothes, a soft cushy bed, lots of movie DVD's etc. So much so, that on weekends, I am virtually confined to my room unless it is utmost necessary to go out.

The two other rooms have also been let out too and they are occupied by one guy each. Recently, one of the rooms got vacant and a guy from Delhi called Naveen has moved in. Naveen is a 25 year old chap, cute looking albeit quite stocky. Though I must say that if he shed those extra pounds he could become quite desirable to the already starving Pune gay community.

We spoke a couple of times earlier but were never really 'into' each other! Anyways on Friday evening, this guy knocked on my door and we started talking. I invited him to sit inside. He told me about his job, how he came to Pune, about his family etc. The guy is so damn frustrated that he can actually be a perfect case for study. Much of the frustration is because of his work place. He works for Tech Mahindra and was a Test Lead there. Some manager apparently lured him to Pune promising him an onsite opportunity but that never came. Some other guy was packed off to the UK in his place and as it turned out that he became the most junior resource in his current team. Now, that's a recipe for disaster. That's where it all started. He has lost sleep over this situation. He in fact barely sleeps over 4 hours a day. He doesn't eat much, though I must say that not eating will do him more good. :-) He is technically sound and is quite a nerd so to say, or so I thought until Saturday evening.

He bought a new computer on Friday evening and borrowed a couple of movie DVD's from me. On Saturday morning, as I was about to go for lunch, I knocked on his door and we went out together. Over lunch too, he kept on telling me about his job and all that. I consciously tried to look interested but it wasn't interesting at all. I had to fake interest all the way. I changed the subject and asked him about his personal life, like if he was single / committed. As it turned out he said that he couldn't afford to be committed at the moment because apparently he was too busy concentrating on his career. Talk about lame excuses. But anyway, then he asked me THE question of the day. "Are you a virgin?" I was a little perturbed by the suddenness of that question though I was thoroughly enjoying the direction in which the conversation was moving. I replied "No" thinking to myself "Sweetheart, do you know whom you are talking to?" Anyway after lunch, we went back home and slept through the rest of the afternoon. In the evening around 7 he again came knocking at my door and asked me if I wanted to catch a movie with him. I replied in the affirmative. We went to the closest multiplex but as it turned out the tickets were sold out.

I suggested that we go to have dinner together at this resort "Up & Above", not far from our place. We reached the place and ordered drinks and food. I had two pegs of vodka but this guy wouldn't stop. He kept on drinking and blabbering more about his office politics and his frustration. The conversation quickly moved to his rather flamboyant life in Delhi where he confessed that he had apparently made out thirty five times with all kinds of females - Indian, Israeli, Spanish, American etc etc etc. He boasted about his so called 'contacts' and how the girls were mind blowing. He also told me that during one of his previous trips to Pune, he had slept with some hooker here too. And then, he suggested the most bizarre thing! He told me "Dude, if you ever want to (visualize a hand gesture here), let me know. Let's go together and have some good time..." I simply nodded and smiled. I mean, what am I supposed to do with a female hooker. Play hide and seek? I can't surely be a lesbian. :-(

After dinner, we returned home. He then asked me if we could watch a movie together. We watched RDB together lying on his bed side by side and throughout the movie he was saying that he was willing to pay upto 6K for a night with the firang actress in the movie. Oh. My. God. He was high on spirits. He kept on boasting about how he had nailed a girl in Delhi. He told me that he preferred oral sex because it was good fun. He told me about his trips to some female in Delhi who gave him 'fantastic' blow jobs for 150 rupees. I was smirking and thinking to myself "Honey, what girls can do, I can do better!!" After the movie was over, he put on some porn and insisted that I gave him company through it. I was genuinely uncomfortable with him next to me. And I had to squirm, twist and turn to hide the obvious. Anyway, finally when the movie ended, he had something even more interesting to say...He said "Dude, let's go and bang a chick together tomorrow." I just smiled and dashed for the exit.

The incident was really funny. For the rest of the night I kept thinking that whether he could be told. But then I decided that it was best to keep quiet. On Sunday evening, I was watching Will & Grace. He came and watched it too. It was indeed a good weekend spent. I got to study another specimen of the species up, close and personal. :-)

I am gay because...

2007-08-27T11:07:00.001+05:30

Let's talk about something interesting, shall we?

What makes me gay? Let's make this as funny and interesting as possible.

1. I can call anyone "honey" including pets.

2. I understand the immense importance of good lighting especially in photographs!

3. I can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot the hottest guy.

4. I can tell a woman that I love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.

5. I can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

6. I really have "been there, done that."

7. My women friends tell me everything I want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

8. I am the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."

9. I have naked pictures of men I don't know in my home.

10. I can have naked men I don't know in my home.

11. I understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

12. I know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.

13. I can smile to let someone know I can't stand them.

14. I am good pals with women other people can't stand.

15. I know how to dress strategically.

16. I am the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than I did in high school.

17. You know that sex complicates things. So?

18. I choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

19. I know how to program my DVD player.

20. I've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

21. I've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.

22. I know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

23. My favorite dinner accessory is often my dinner companion.

24. I've shaved something other than my face.

25. Unlike most straight women, I have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.

Helplessly lonely!

2007-08-24T12:16:00.000+05:30

Yesterday night, I saw an amazing movie. The movie's name is The Trip.

The story spans a period of 11 years from 1973 to 1984. It is about this 24 year old guy called Alan who is in denial about himself. He is after all a Republican. He is gay but does not accept the fact because of the stereotypes. He starts to write a 'hate' book about Homosexuality out of his self - denial mode. All that changes when he meets 19 year old gay activist Tommy. He is cute and there's immediate chemistry between the two. Through certain very funny circumstances, they realize that they are made for each other. The book that Alan wrote is not published. Even though they find themselves on the opposite sides of the political coin and despite their many differences, they form a loving long-term relationship of four years.

During the Gay Rights movement of 1977 in USA, at the behest of one of Alan's age-wise old friends (who secretly fancies him and wanted his relationship with Tommy destroyed), the publisher publishes the 'hate' book - The Straight Truth. Even though the book does not carry Alan's name on it, things take a turn for the worse when the same friend of Alan out of jealousy drops Alan's name to the media as the writer of the controversial book. The book destroys Tommy's credibility as a well-known activist, resulting in Tommy and Alan's break-up.

Alan is heart broken because he realizes what a terrible thing has happened. To seek comfort he goes to his 'jealous' old friend who is more than glad to accept him. They start living together. Tommy is gone, for good.

Over the next seven years, Alan begins to realize that his relationship with his 'old' friend is going nowhere. He begins to feel stifled when during one argument, he comes to know the truth behind the publication of the book which destroyed his relationship with Tommy.

He rushes to Mexico where he finds Tommy who is not keeping too well. They are not allowed to board a flight to Texas because of Tommy's illness. So they decide to travel by road. They realize that they still love each other. But before they can reach the border, Tommy dies.

A year later Alan publishes a book called 'The Trip' which tells his own story.

As I watched the movie, I was overwhelmed. We all need love. The only problem is that we are barking up the wrong tree most of the time. Most of us have set such high standards for our better halves that we forget that after all, we are all humans and no human being can be perfect. We may have serious differences in our points of view about religion, politics etc but as long as we respect the other person for what he is and most importantly love each other, that's all that matters.

Sometimes, I begin to think that life is indeed hollow. Because, most of us are looking for a quick fuck. The ones who are not seldom find anyone and end up hooking up with someone or the other out of desperation. It's quite a paradox that even though people know that they aren't growing any younger, they all believe from the bottom of their hearts that they will remain the same as they are now. We are so obsessed with cute faces and toned bodies that we overlook the genuine people (who may not be conventionally drop dead gorgeous) who may come and go. I know, there have been a thousand discussions on this issue but I do really feel that getting love is difficult and more so in the gay world.

I know a few couples here and there. But even though they seem to have a loving relationship, they can't really come out into the open as a couple. They can't take each other as dates to the company's annual extravaganza or even introduce each other to be lovers to their own families. When you come to think of it, we are all leading dual lives. We may look down upon bisexuals or married gay men with scornful disdain but the fact remains that none of us are really 'living' our lives as we want to. We are straight for colleagues, for most friends, for family. As if what we 'really' are is a cause of shame.

They say Love finds a way. Two individuals having completely different points of view may come together and share a lifetime of love together. But for most of us - the hapless souls, the search continues for the perfect body, the cutest face and so on....

Most of this may seem balderdash but anyway, I needed to speak out my mind...:-)

Hope it makes you think as well...

Alpviraam!

2007-07-12T15:47:00.000+05:30

After a long long time on Saturday afternoon, I reluctantly went online from a cyber cafe. Over the last few months, I don't know why, I neither feel the urge nor the necessity to go online for the usual reasons of chatting or finding new guys. The reason probably is that I don't find that exciting any more. Also maybe since these days I am online from office perpetually, I don't have much to do online when I come back home. I just keep the PC on which goes on downloading the Will & Grace series.

If you have seen my profile on guys4men.com, you'd have probably noticed that it's rather long. It speaks about my distinct identity and my childhood. It speaks about what I look for in the 'perfect' guy, it speaks about what I think of love and togetherness! I get many 'hits' on my profile and most people drop a message appreciating my clarity of thoughts and the way I have spoken out their hearts as well. But strangely, it ends there! Very few actually go a step further and converse. Even fewer want to meet. Quite paradoxically, profiles with just two words "Let's fuck" and some snaps of the guy concerned (mug shots as well as the 'assets') draw much more people towards them. And this is where, all my beliefs are shattered.

I begin to think why is it so necessary for a guy to draw attention towards himself by posting his nude snaps or openly asking for sexual favors and promising a ride to heaven! Why can't we see beyond the shallow physical attributes and look for the person within? It seems strange to me that even though I may feel that way, most of the times even I get attracted to a gorgeous face/body more than an intellectually arousing individual. Is this a gay stereotype?

I have been there, done that! Even I have experimented with my profile, making it sound completely slutty and posting some revealing snaps as well! And the results have always amazed me! Guys who probably wouldn't even see my profile ordinarily, message me to get my number, to get into my sack! It's simply amazing. Like someone correctly said...

"The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every 28 seconds. Of course, that's straight men. Gay men it's every nine. You could be at the supermarket, or the laundromat or buying a fabulous shirt when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy. Hotter than the one you saw last weekend or went home with the night before, which explains why we're all at this night club at one in the morning instead of at home, in bed. But who wants to be at home, in bed? Especially alone, when you can be here, knowing that at any moment, you might see him. The most beautiful man who ever lived. That is, until tomorrow night."

In this flimsy cyber world, everyone is..."6'1", 46 inch chest, 16 inch biceps, 28 inch waist, 160 lbs, 9.5 cut. A veritable god". I wish. All right, so everyone exaggerates. But, like, who's told the truth since they invented cyber-sex?

"It's all about sex. Except when you're having it. And then it's all about 'Will he stay?', 'Will he go?', 'How am I doing?', 'What am I doing?' 'Why am I doing?'"

When I look around, I can hardly see happy gay people. Most people are just not bothered to find love. They are too busy having sex with countless faceless people, people they can't even remember beyond their first time! Majority of the rest are so disillusioned that they stop looking altogether. A vast majority gets married and yet doesn't stop sleeping around. The minuscule remainder never stop dreaming. So where do you stand in this spectrum? Are you having second thoughts as well? I have heard people say that they would be happier if they were straight! Are you planning to get married? Are you happy with your gay identity? Will you be able to stop yourself from sleeping with a guy after marriage? I guess most people would answer these questions very ambiguously. It's a harsh truth that we have to accept.

Anyways, when I opened my mail box, I saw a dozen messages waiting for me! I read all of them and save one (from a guy I already know), all of them were the appreciative kinds. I guess sometimes, we are so stoned that we go after whatever we get! So, there I was online on the site! Bingo! In three minutes, I got this message from a guy called Peter! He was from Bangalore and had come down to Pune for some work, was staying in some hotel. He wanted to meet me! I agreed since, I had nothing more important to do! So I went to the place where he called me! We met, we had some food together and then we went back to his room in the hotel. Strangely, even though the guy was stereotypically HOT, I didn't feel a thing! He was tall, dark, slightly hairy, intense dark brooding eyes. He made a move! Still, I didn't feel a thing! When he hugged me in his muscular arms, I didn't feel anything! Why?

I really don't know the answer to that why! Maybe because, after a certain point in your life, you start to feel that you've seen so much and had so much that only the superficial things don't appeal to you anymore. Maybe this change is for the good. Maybe it will enable me to find what I am really looking for. Maybe an 'alpviraam' (a comma) is necessary! It helps you to introspect, to think. It helps you to find a new direction! A direction that will probably lead to a place called 'Happyville' and not necessarily 'Gayville'.

Much ado about nothing...

2007-07-02T10:08:00.000+05:30

"SMS us on XXXX and tell us why you think the snake is after the little boy."

"SMS us on XXXX and tell us what you feel about the marriage of Abhishek and Aishwarya."

"Call us on 011-XXXXXXXX and tell us what you feel about the Bipasha - John split."

"Call us on 022-XXXXXXXX and tell us how should the government react to the Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty kissing episode."

Many a times, I am bewildered by these kinds of announcements on the news channels, especially the Hindi news channels. Star News, Zee News, Aaj Tak, IBN 7, Janmat, India TV all these news channels deserve to be in the Guinness book for dishing out nonsense in the name of news. Every news is supposed to be 'exclusive' and every news is supposed to be 'sansanikhez' too. Crap! The most hilarious thing is that viewers actually call back and text their 'valuable' views and comments on all such ridiculous topics and questions.

Some news anchors are not only irritating but they also have the habit of repeating things over and over again until it almost sounds like they are memorizing something before an exam. There's this fella on Aaj Tak viz Deepak Chaurasia. He is like the self proclaimed messiah of the masses. He has taken the responsibility of bringing such 'sansanikhez' news items from nowhere to shock the masses. I feel like slapping that guy whenever I see him. I remember that just after the Abhi-Ash engagement was announced, this lunatic was hosting a special show on Aishwarya Rai's future. Javed Akhtar was called up and quite appropriately Mr. Akhtar was furious at the ludicrous nature of the question. He refused to comment and banged the phone down. On some other channels astrologers were called in to speculate and predict on their future married life. Why? All in the name of publicity? Why in heaven's name should we care? Why should we know about how or when Ms. Rai will quit films or will have babies?

And then there are these crime related programmes! 'Sansani', 'Crime Reporter' and the like. Their anchors are straight out of asylums. They have a typical style of presenting the programmes. They speak in a very weird way. "Chain se sona hai toh abb jaag jao". It's funny like hell. More often than being scared by the criminals they show on their shows, you are actually scared by the anchors themselves. I remember the ace comedian Raju Shrivastav mocking them in one of his shows. It was hilarious.

Anyway, the bottom line is that much of the news shown on television is like the Shakespearean classic "Much ado about nothing." They invent news to gain TRP's. They blow small incidents out of proportion like the incident about Richard Gere kissing Shilpa Shetty. All the channels continued to show the incident over and over again until it snowballed into a controversy. Then they started showing people (VHP, Bajrang Dal types) burning effigies of Richard Gere. And then when they realized that the situation had gone out of control, they showed Shilpa making a statement over the issue. Shilpa was visibly miffed by all the hullabaloo. She accused the media of blowing such trivial issues out or proportion. And I guess she was right.

Indian media needs to grow up. Enough of monkeying around in the name of freedom of expression. We don't need such atrocious news. Show us something good, something which is useful to the society, something that brings forth issues of geo-political importance. See BBC. See CNN. Closer home, see the English news channels like NDTV or CNN-IBN. These channels are much more mature in their content and their presentation. I hate to have to say it but I very genuinely feel that Hindi news channels are still in their infancy. They ought to grow up soon enough.

The Bluebird and me!

2007-06-28T15:03:00.000+05:30

Judy Garland sings in The Wizard of Oz -

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

As a child, I was fed on a staple diet of Ladybird books - Cinderella, Snow White and the seven dwarfs, Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty and the likes. No wonder, I grew to become a 'lady' myself. I used to read these fairy tales and secretly wish that I had a fairy godmother who would be my guardian angel. I wished that I had a glass slipper, I wished I had a talking mirror, I wished I had long auburn hair, I wished I was woken after a long slumber and strangely all my wishes were somehow associated with a prince. Someone who would frantically search for me with the glass slipper in his hands, someone who would save me from dying after I had eaten an apple laced with poison, someone who would climb a tower to meet me at nights, someone who would gently kiss my forehead and bring me to life.

Yet, life is never a fairy tale. There is no fairy godmother. There is no prince. There is no princess. I am like a poor man's 'daughter' who likes to dream big, who dreams that one day a knight in shining armor will whisk her away to a magical land full of love and happiness. But alas! That's not happening! As we grow older our dreams undergo a transformation. The harsh realities make us realize that certain dreams are always going to remain dreams. And most often the dreams that remain dreams are the ones that are the most precious to you. Those are the dreams that you would want to give up everything for.

These dreams hardly ever die. Infact, even though you realize that these dreams would never become true, these dreams become more and more vivid. Earlier if the face of the prince was hidden behind a sheet of fog, now you can actually make out who the prince is. It could be your best friend (who is straight), your colleague (who is homophobic) or some other guy (who is either married or gay, but simply not interested). Again, it could be someone who loves you like a nut but you are blind enough not to see him stretching his arms out for you from behind the clouds. You are so obsessed with the man of your dreams that you don't realize that the man of your life (who may not be as perfect as you want him to be) is waiting for you. Yet, you don't stop being a fool.

You want to become like the mythical blue bird who can supposedly fly to a land where all its dreams become true. All the troubles and the barriers just disappear and you find what you've always wanted. To fly you need wings. But wings are not the only thing that you require for flying. You need courage in your heart, you need inner strength , you need to stretch out your wings! Most importantly you need to open your eyes and look around. Who knows, you may catch a glimpse of a string held by the man of your life for you. He just wants you to hold that string with your beak and he'll pull you towards him. Who knows, maybe you'll find an arm stretching down from the heavens to the earth and you just need to walk into the palm and the arm will take you to that magical land. Even if you don't know who the guy is, maybe you'll find another blue bird who wants to fly too. And both of you can piggy back each other by turns until you reach Dreamsville. You need to look up to that magical land beyond the sky and say to yourself that you will reach there! The journey will be long, it'll be tiring. But you'll make it.

I will make it. I will learn to stretch my wings, I will learn to fly. I will open my eyes. I can already see a string, I can already see an arm, I have already found a blue bird. Now, let's see how exciting this journey is!

Trip to Kolkata!

2007-06-12T10:23:00.000+05:30

Going back home always stirs up a million emotions within us, especially if home is hundreds of miles away. I left Kolkata way back in 2000 after spending a good 15 years in the City of Joy(?)! My schooling was completed there and thereafter we moved to the City of Dreamz - Mumbai. I was never too attached to Kolkata. The weather is horrible there, grimy and sweaty all the while and the peoples' tempers are always above permissible levels. The 15 years that I spent there was 90% misery and 10% fun mainly because of circumstances at home. Yet, strangely, despite the fact that the city has not offered too much to me except a nightmarish 15 years, I can't deny or run away from the fact that it is where I belong to - Kolkata is home!

Ever since I have moved out of Kolkata, I have tried to visit it at least once a year mostly during the festive season. This time around I decided to visit it in the summer mainly because my granny had not been keeping too well. Anyways, my granny's place is around 120 kms from Kolkata. It's a place called Medinipur. It can be called the twin city of Kharagpur (of IIT fame). It was gruelling hot there, so much so that I couldn't sleep altogether for 3 days. The days are unbearable. The evenings are a tad better but the continuous load shedding makes it worse. My granny was doing relatively better when I reached. However, she needs to be taken care of and the heat only makes her miserable. Anyways, I used to go out almost every evening with my cousin (who is around 14 y.o. and 6'1") to eat chaat and pani poories (Bengali ishtyle)!! I gorged like crazy! I also took my other two smaller cousins (3 and 1.5 yrs old) for ice cream, cakes etc. My aunts and uncles took me out for dinner to two newly opened restaurants in the town and to my surprise they are quite nice!

1. The Karnagahr Temple
2. Maa Mahamaya

I also went to Karnagahr, a 15th century temple around 20-25 kms from Medinipur dedicated to the Mother Goddess. There are three temples in the complex, a larger one dedicated to Lord Khageshwar (Shiva), the smaller one dedicated to Maa Mahamaya (the Mother Goddess). My aunts and my cousins accompanied me. I went to the temple a good 5-6 years later. The temple authorities have renovated the temple, gave it a fresh coat of plaster and paint. There is a Hanuman temple there. One of my uncles has had it constructed. Earlier the Hanuman shila was lying below a peepal tree. But now there stands a nice temple on the same spot. My uncle and aunt gave me a nice shirt and tee. :-)

I went to Kolkata on Wednesday afternoon. I had an interview scheduled with Wipro the same afternoon at around 3 PM but they cancelled at the last moment. Kolkata surprises me every time I visit it. Everytime I find something new about it. It's a kaleidoscope of colors of a variety of shades and hues. This time was no different. I put up at my uncle's place in Ballygunge. Most of Wednesday was spent at home catching up on sleep. On Thursday, I went out in the morning after breakfast. I visited my Buaji's place first. Spent almost an hour with them and then went shopping. And man! Did I shop or what? I shopped and shopped and shopped and when I stopped I found that my wallet was lighter by 7K. I bought tees, shorts, jeans, kurtas, H/S shirts and unmentionables as well :-)

I met a guy called Bobby in the evening. I knew him from a couple of months and it was nice to meet him finally. We went for a drive in his car and had some ice cream. He then dropped me home. Later in the evening, I went to meet an old school friend - Ronjon! We went to a local CCD and spent some time there. We had a Hilsa festival at home that night. The fish was delicious. Later that night, I chatted with an old acquaintance called Charles. I had met Charles two years ago on one of my trips to Kolkata. He is my friend's friend. Anyways, thankfully, he remembered me and so we decided to meet on Saturday afternoon.

On Friday morning, I again went back to my Buaji's place and got the keys of our flat. The flat has never been used and I wanted to go and visit it once to clean it up! I met this guy called Sarnab the same morning and the meeting left much to be desired. Anyway, my cousin, aunt and me went shopping for a laptop in the afternoon. We finally zeroed on a HP one. My cousin bought it. After that, we went shopping again. My aunt bought me a very nice block printed Kurta from a boutique called Kanishka. Thereafter, I rushed to Salt Lake to the City Centre mall. I went to City Centre for the first time and I was really pleased to see it. Nice crowd, nice shops and nice ambience. I met a college friend over there - Anirban. Spent around half an hour with him and came back home.

On Saturday morning, I went to our flat. It was very dirty nevertheless; has not been visited for more than a year. I cleaned up the place as much as I could. After that, I met Charles nearby. We spent a nice time together having lunch at a restaurant near Gariahat. After that I met Debjyoti, one of my friends in Kolkata. We spent around half and hour together while I shopped again for mishti and an umbrella. I returned home after that. My cousin, aunt and me again went out a little later for some more shopping this time for my cousin. He is a brilliant guy. He has just completed his M.Sc exams and is now going to National Brain Research Institute in Gurgaon for a summer project. Anyway, he had to buy some shirt pieces. So we went shopping for that. While we were shopping one of my other cousins called up. She wanted to meet me before I left. So we hurried back home. We picked her up on the way and reached home. My train was on 2215 at night from Howrah. I had my dinner around 8 PM and thereafter they all accompanied me to the station to see me off. :-)

As I said bye bye to them, I somehow felt a little sad; sad because I was leaving all the fun behind, all my folks behind. But when you come to think of it, it's probably because I visit Kolkata once a year that I like it so much and my folks also make my visits memorable. Had I been there for good then probably life would have made it very difficult for us to even meet up.

I am looking forward to visiting Kolkata once again this year, hopefully during the Pujas. Let's see what's in store in the future! :-)

I don't have anything to wear! :-)

2007-05-28T13:44:00.000+05:30

When was the last time you stood in front of your cupboard and discovered to your utter horror that you've nothing nice or suitable to wear for the evening. I guess this is perhaps the single most common horrifying incident that presents itself to us after a zit decides to magically appear on your 'glowing' face on the day you are supposed to go out on that long awaited date or an absolutely delicious cyber mate turns out to be an over 40 something balding moustached uncle dying to get into your sack!

You may have an absolutely gorgeous ensemble of top of the line shirts, tees, trousers, cargoes and jeans but then it's just never enough for that date in which you decide to tell him about your love for him. You start off by trying out one tee after another, something in sky blue or baby pink thinking to yourself that blue would make you look cool and pink would make you look cute! And then to your disbelief you discover that there's a bright red tee staring at you from the shelf which has HOT written all over it! You're left utterly confused.

Suddenly by divine intervention, it dawns upon you that sporting a casual look would probably send signals to your date that you're casual (read careless) about everything. So, you start finding the perfect formal shirt that would go with the evening. White is always in and so is black but unfortunately, you wore them before in your first two meetings and you don't want to seem repetitive with clothes. You skim through your cupboard with a frantic pace and then you suddenly realize that you're running late already!

And then you see yourself in the mirror. Oh my god! I haven't shaved. I haven't had my bath yet. Where's the CK that I bought? Where's is the goddamned sexy Jockey that he likes? Where are my lenses? Where in the world is my deo? So without wasting a single moment you decide to rush into the shower. After a hurried shave and shower, you come out and spray copious amounts of deo on your body. You then stand in front of the mirror in probably a towel (sometimes nothing) and begin to think, oh fuck, age is showing on my love handles, and if by any chance you spot a gray hair, you're finished! But then you think, I can always have those annoying gray hairs colored. Oh why didn't I get them colored. Damnit! Since you are still undecided about what to wear you do a 'Eeny Meeny Miney Moe' and pick up a shirt from the cupboard, wear it and then decide 'Nah! this one is not good enough'. You fling it on the bed which already has a mountain of clothes piled up on it. Then you pick another one and then another before settling for a final one which is a wrinkle free light blue shirt with faint dark blue stripes and think to yourself, Yeah, this one looks good! I hope he likes it as well. And then wryly smile, the clothes are anyways not going to stay on long enough! ;-)

You take the tube of gel and apply it on your wet hair for that wet look. You wash your lenses and then inevitably drop them. You desperately search for them and find them in one unreachable corner of the loo. You wash them again and by the time you finish wearing them your cell phone starts howling! Uff! Who in the world is it? You rush out and see that it's your date calling.

Your date: "Where are you? I am on my way."
You (trying to cover up the delay): "Oh, I am on my way too. Will be there on time."
Your date: "Ok, see ya there."

As you finish, you realize that there's no way that you can reach on time unless they invent time travel. So you decide - Ok, let's move it before it's too late. You take the car keys, lock the door and rush downstairs in the lift. Rush to the car, start it and navigate your way through one smalls lane after another to avoid traffic snarls and then finally you reach the plush restaurant. As you park your car off the kerb, you seen your date standing there looking as gorgeous as ever and smiling at you. You kill the engine and get out of the car and walk towards him. You suddenly see his face turning crimson and as you go nearer to him, you feel that he is certainly uncomfortable with something in you. You start thinking - Hmmm....everything seems Ok to me! Why is he staring at me like that?

You finally reach him and are about to give him a hug when he pushes you away and says - "Where are your pants?" :-)

Hindi movies and homosexuality

2007-05-18T22:49:00.000+05:30

I have always been a tad disappointed with the way in which homosexuals are portrayed in our films. Even though the modelling and the film industry apparently abounds with gays, the way gays are shown on celluloid leaves much to be desired. Even openly known gay film directors like Karan Johar or Onir shy from showing love between two men as it could be!

One of the earliest scenes that I remember which has a gay undertone is from the film Silsila. This is a scene in which Shashi Kapoor and Amitabh Bachchan are taking a shower together (apparently nude) and Shashi Kapoor deliberately drops the soap and asks AB to bend over and pick it up! AB being clever laughs and refuses to do so. They both remember their childhood 'mischiefs' and break into peels of laughter.

Later, I have seen in a number of films in which they mock the gay people quite shamelessly. Gay people are always shown to be effeminate (in other words drag queens). I remember quite a few films which have mocked the gay way of life in the most humiliating manner. In fact gay characters in films have always provided comic relief to a dead pan script. I find it especially painful when I see 'sensible' and 'saleable' film directors like KJ not doing enough to spread the message that homosexuals are no different from straight people and they too can have loving relationships. Instead, he chooses to show SRK and Saif Khan in certain tasteless comedy scenes in KHNH. What a sheer waste!!!

And then there are other directors like Onir who send out a very wrong message to the public at large with films like My Brother Nikhil. I appreciate the story of the film but Sanjay Suri's homosexual relationship with Purab Kohli is not treated well. I feel that 99% of the junta here in India is blissfully unaware of the gay way of life and thinks that gays exist only to fuck everything that moves!!! To add to this situation, when you associate HIV even remotely with a guy who has a gay relationship (even though the HIV may not be as a result of the relationship), then the effects can be catastrophic. People tend to believe that all gay men are HIV+ve and that in no way reflects the reality.

Recently, there have been films like Page 3 or Metro which portray gays to be utterly manipulative. This again sends wrong signals to the 'aam' junta! They start to believe that gays are indeed bad people who don't really care about anyone else's feelings! But that's hardly the truth. I found the film 'Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd' to be quite interesting! At least they tried to address the problem of a gay getting married in a mature and sensible manner. They also tried to touch upon the bisexual guys who also form a part of our society!

I have seen English movies with gay themes like 'Touch of Pink', 'TransAmerica'. 'Chicken Tikka Masala' and they have been much better both in terms of content and the message they tried to spread.

I certainly hope that with time more saleable directors and actors would not hesitate to portray homosexuals maturely, not as HIV infected or sex hungry maniacs or manipulative bitches but as individuals who just choose to love a person of their own gender and have a right to live a life with dignity and as happily as everyone else while contributing in their own way to the society.

Underwear ads!

2007-05-17T08:43:00.000+05:30

I am appalled and amused by certain ads that are shown on television. The worst and sometimes even the most alluring are the male undergarment ads. Some of them are not only distasteful and obscene but also raise questions about the efficiency of the censor board which 'pass'es such atrocious ads to be telecast on prime time television! Others are a treat to watch!

:-P

One particularly 'disgusting' ad is the one in which a female is washing a male undergarment on the bank of a pond or whatever and other females are staring at her! Her face exudes orgasmic bliss while she rubs the underwear with her hands and then beats the shit out of it! She stretches its elastic possibly showing the other females that it can accomodate huge sizes inside! And then to top it all, a sleazy female voice declares - "Amul 'whatever' - Crafted for fantasies"!!!

Total crap!

There's another ad, but I guess that's still a tad better than the one mentioned above! Possibly because the ad has a hunk in it!! ;-) This ad would possibly appeal to females as well as males (including gays) alike! In this one, this cute semi nude hunk wrapped in just a towel opens the door expecting the dhobi, only to be shocked when he finds this rather voluptous female in skimpy clothes standing outside! Out of nervousness, he drops the towel and there he is wearing the brand of underwear. He frantically asks the female "Dhobi, kahaan hai?" (Where is the washer man?) to which she replies in a slutty voice "Aajse main hi kapde lene aaoongi, Nikaliye naa...kapde" (From today onwards, I will come to take clothes! Give me your clothes, please!!) The hunk smiles and then they show their clothes strewn all over the place! A guy's voice is heard - "Blah blah blah brand - Seriously X-rated"!

This is undoubtedly one of the raunchiest ads on Television these days! I am sure the ad-makers as well as the models do realize that such ads are not only intended for the straight male population but the gay junta as well! And probably that's why the male models in these ads are any gay's fantasy come true! ;-)

But whatever! Sex sells! And that's a known fact! So, we can just wait and expect to see more such ads on the tube in the future!

Quotable quotes from Page 3

2007-05-16T20:53:00.000+05:30

When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys.
Andrew G. Dehel

There's this illusion that homosexuals have sex and heterosexuals fall in love. That's completely untrue. Everybody wants to be loved.
Boy George

No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.
Rita Mae Brown

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
Ernest Gaines

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
Elton John

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
John Stewart

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."
Shelly Roberts

When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.
Epitaph of Leonard P. Matlovich

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain.
Francis Maude

Let my lusts be my ruin, then, since all else is a fake and a mockery.
Hart Crane

In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation.
Simone de Beauvoir

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

People sometimes think I'm gay because I once played a gay in a movie. It's funny. Audiences don't think you're a murderer if you play a murderer, but they do think you're gay if you play a gay.
Perry King

Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.
Martina Navratilova

My mom blames California for me being a lesbian. "Everything was fine until you moved out there." "That's right, Mom, we have mandatory lesbianism in West Hollywood. The Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business days to add a significant amount of flannel to my wardrobe.
Coley Sohn

The next time someone asks you, "Hey, howdja get to be a homosexual anyway?" tell them, "Homosexuals are chosen first on talent, then interview... then the swimsuit and evening gown competition pretty much gets rid of the rest of them."
Karen Williams

If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered.
Robin Tyler

The Lord is my Shepherd and he knows I'm gay.
Rev. Troy Perry

If adjustment is necessary, it should be made primarily with regard to the position the homosexual occupies in present-day society, and society should more often be treated than the homosexual.
Dr. Harry Benjamin

If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens.
Bert R. Sugar

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavner

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.
Rita Mae Brown

Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.
Sam Austin

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.
Charles Pierce

That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure.
Denise McCanles

Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore pants.
Lynn Lavner

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.
Amanda Bearse

Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one.
Kate Clinton

The world is not divided into sheeps and goats. Not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning sexual behaviour the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.
Alfred Kinsey

As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being gay is anti-social.
Joseph Francis

Laugh your lungs out from W&G!

2007-05-16T17:58:00.000+05:30

Jack: So, I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.
Will: Forward?

Will: So now you're skipping work all together?!
Grace: No, I called in sick.
Will: Called who? You're the boss.
Grace: I know it was a strange conversation. If I do it again, I'm going to fire me.

Grace: Just FYI - The first 3 letters in assistant spell ass, so please, get off yours.

Karen: You know CPR?
Jack: Oh, yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay... Only I think it just confused him even more.

Will: In this house, a queen beats a straight every time.

Jack: I'd like to sing a duet, with a man who's been such a huge inspiration to me... (picture of himself appears)

Jack: There are no straight men, only men who haven't met Jack.

Jack (after seeing Karen's closet): Oh, my God. If my closet were like this, I never would have come out of it!

Jack: It's time to put the sex back in homosexual.

Grace: Oh, how can I explain this? Guilt is an emotion...Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself...An emotion is...
Karen: Honey I know what guilt is! It's one of those touchy-feely words that doesn't really mean anything, like "maternal".... or "addiction".

Karen: I have a right mind to throw this drink in your face! (then proceeds to finish the drink)

Jack: Do you remember the name of my ex-boyfriend? You know, the blond one with the tattoos?
Karen: Oh, come on, honey, that's like trying to find a needle in a gaystack.

Karen: They're trying to make gay people straight? Good lord, don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?

Karen: You're comin' in loud and queer!

Grace: Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "fourgy" does not qualify as group therapy.

Grace: Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "fourgy" does not qualify as group therapy.

Jack: Sex is a drug. I should know; I'm a licensed dealer.

Karen: Oh, honey, everything I say about you behind your back is true.

(about Karen's driver)
Grace: Fire him.
Karen: He is old and sweet and helpless. I can't just fire him because he's a raging incompetent. I mean, maybe you could, but not me.
Grace: Karen, if that were true, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Jack: (to Will) You know, anger doesn't really go with what you're wearing. But then again, not much does.

Jack: Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? "Running late" is gay for "I'm blowing you off".
Will: Really? What's gay for "Get out"?
Jack: That would be "Good morning".
Will & Jack : Good morning Jack.

Mom: What if they want to come back for a little touchie-nookie-nicky?
Grace: Mom, can I take you to my therapist? Because he thinks I'm making you up.

Rosario: Lady, I used to teach children in my country.
Karen: Well, in this country, you wash my bra!

Grace to Karen (about the Hydra bra): Karen, I just want you to know that I really loved it that you stood besides me and showed me the way!
Karen (raising a toast): Darlin' welcome to my world!

The Trains...

2007-05-16T13:51:00.000+05:30

I have heard so many times from so many of my friends that Mumbai local trains are supposedly one of the most happening places when people can quite audaciously engage in carnal pleasures. I was reading P. Raj Rao's Boyfriend a few weeks ago. He starts his rather 'sad' story by describing the scene in the gent's loo at the Churchgate station. I don't really know whether any of it is true because fortunately I have never had the urgency to visit it even once. Nevertheless, the entire description seemed to me like one of his fantasies and totally unreal!

But, apparently the things that happen on the Mumbai locals are not unreal! Supposedly they are happening even as you read this! Fortunately or unfortunately, I have never encountered any such activity on my countless travels on the Mumbai locals. Or maybe it was because, I was not interesting enough! I have seen many good looking guys on the trains and have had day-dreams about them, wishing that they just stood beside me and our sweaty bodies brushed against each other and his eyes went all over me...but alas! that has never happened.

Friends tell me that guys not only hook up but also give each other a hand-job and few more atrociously adventurous ones even manage a BJ in that maddening crowd inside the compartments. I am sure these people can do India proud in gymnastics and would put Nadia Comaneci to shame with their bodies' flexibility. All the stories seem completely rubbish to me, probably because it is too unreal for me to believe. But that doesn't make much of a difference anyways! People will do what they want to do! I have heard from one particular friend how, one day he cruised this hot 'bhaiya' from his Andheri bound train to his bed in his home in Santa Cruz. The entire encounter seemed like a complete fantasy to me.

Sometimes, I am left dumbstruck when I come to know of such exploits. Kudos to the people who can do all that! They surely have balls! :-) I am sure that I wouldn't be able to muster any courage to indulge in any such activity!

Me and my name...

2007-05-15T18:00:00.003+05:30

I was never too comfortable with my name. Mostly because it is pronounced entirely differently in Bengali and Hindi (Orijeet and Arijeet respectively). I would have preferred some uncommon name to this one! No Abhisheks, no Abhijits puhleez. I find the name Adhiraj quite suave and sexy, more so because Adhiraj was my first genuine crush at school. So much so, that I proposed to him on friendship day by giving him a friendship day card, raising quite a few eyebrows and finding out later that people have raised questions about my sexuality.

But nevertheless, Adhiraj was a sweet guy who looked like a gazillion bucks! I think most of the female junta was ga-ga over him! And so was I. He accepted my proposal and we became good friends. Even his presence next to me was enough to light me up like a 1000 W bulb. I don't really know if he understood my vibes for him but then that didn't matter at that stage. He came back to me with all his study issues and I was more than glad to help him out! One day he came to my place like always and looked particularly unmindful. I prodded him to tell me what he was thinking about. He told me that there was this gal whom he liked. It made my heart churn out one of those melodramatic numbers "Dil aisa kisine mera todaa..." or the likes...But whatever! I put up a brave face and just fished out a name and asked him - "Is it Debolina?" And he was zapped, dumbstruck! Completely awed, because he hadn't even told me the girl's name. He nodded with a sheepish smile and a twinkle in his eye. He told me that undoubtedly I was one of his inner circle friends who could read his pulse! Even that statement was good enough to make me happy...

Ok, I think this is what is called digression!

Another name I would probably love to have is Ambar! Now this guy was a Jatt and cute as hell! He was smooth and had an absolutely to-die-for physique, piercing eyes and yeah, a gleaming smile. The day I saw him in 1st year of college, I was like 'Oh-my-god, am I dreaming, or what?' The day I saw him cleaning his room in his unmentionables, I almost collapsed with a gasp! He was so so so sexy! And then whenever he used to come to my room for notes or drawing sheets or well whatever, I was more than ready to help him out!!!

But the last year has kinda changed my perception. I have come across four AriJeet's in the last one year and they are all either gay/bi. I think it's something with the name. Suddenly, Ari Jeet seems to be quite hep to me! :-P

So, AriJeet, hip hip hurray!

The next cubicle...and the work place...

2007-05-15T17:18:00.000+05:30

Me and one of my mates at work seem to have quite a similar taste in men! Our types! Tall, brutish, with a V-body, with a rugged I-will-show-you-heaven look; some with cute faces and cuter asses, some straight out of Danielle Steel's novels...yes they all are our types! We are continuously rating people who cross our paths with words like 'Good', 'Delicious', 'Doable' or well whatever! He is smitten with a PYT in one of his neighboring cubicles and I kinda find two PYT's in my next cubicle exceedingly cute. So much so, that whenever I get an opportunity, I steal a glance at the two of them and wish silently if at least one of them were....

My friend's PYT probably has Greek blood in his veins, coz everytime we see him, we go weak in our knees! The other day we were just rambling back to our respective work stations from the food court and there he was, walking towards us! And we just gasped in delight in unison! I hope he noticed!

Sizes...Small, Medium and Large!

2007-05-15T16:45:00.000+05:30

Ever since the Hutch ads have started coming on television, I can't help but smile with an impish grin every time I see 'em. Even though the ads are quite funny, I try to interpret or probably see them in a totally different context. :-)

So, here's my version of one such ad...though I don't know how Prahlad Kakkad will react to this one...

Scene: Gay bar with lots of gorgeous looking guys dancing, some disco number playing in the background.

Cut to a 18 y.o. cutie who is a first timer, looking quite nervous hoping that his virginity will be a thing of the past beyond tonight! So as he takes nervous glances at everyone around him and while everyone around feast their eyes on the newbie, he sees these three real hunks standing next to the bar with drinks in their hands looking at him. While they exchange glances with the newbie...

...cut to the crotches of these three hunks one by one! :-) And then the caption comes choose your size S-M-L! :-D

and then a sleazy male voice declares "To get the size sms SIZE to blah-blah-blah-blah!"

Too corny?? Or plain balderdash! I don't know but I am sure such ads are light years away! He he

Gay Wipro!

2007-05-15T15:30:00.000+05:30

Today morning, while I was coming to work I crossed the Wipro campus and suddenly a thought struck my mind.

The Wipro logo (a rainbow colored sunflower) is undoubtedly the most gay friendly logo around. And then I pondered and found to my amazement that over the past two years in Pune, I have come across at least half a dozen individuals working in Wipro who are gay. Though I may not have met them personally but it seems to me that Wipro definitely enjoys the rank of the most-preferred work destination of many gays in this city!

So here's to Wipro! :-)

Questions of Love

2006-06-06T22:57:00.000+05:30

Strange is thy love with thy words so pure,
You say you love me, I ask are you sure?
In they heart of hearts I know, though you maybe true,
Yet I don’t want to be insincere to you.
I love you so much, even I don’t know it’s depth,
But I do know the nights for you I wept.
Darling, I know I have suffered in your love, maybe so have you,
But let not this suffering continue, grow and worsen too.
Let’s reach some conclusion, you know we can’t hang like this for eternity,
Our love should stand for practicality, for freedom and responsibility.
Dear, we think we love each other, true, but then what next?
I mean, does it mean we’re ready to vow our lives for each other by the text?
If not, then why do we play with each other this game?
We both know, without each other our life wont be the same.
Then why do we hesitate to take this step, this oath of faith, this pledge,
Why do we feel in spite of our love, we’re on a precipice, on an edge?
We say we’ve committed our life for each other in holy dedication,
But still we irk at the thought of losing our individuality in this devotion!
Let’s not feign, not pretend we don’t value our peace of mind,
We both know love is accompanied with hassles of every kind.
When we say we’re in love, are we ready to share in the pain as well as joy?
Or is it we’re just looking for a sense of belonging, irrespective from a human or a toy?
Do we respect each other to an extent of compromise and utter sacrifice of self?
Or is it each of us expect the other to be flexible to the needs of the other self?
Tell me one thing, if love’s so complicated, are we game to take that challenge?
Or do we back off when we see obstacle, or on betrayal we turn to revenge?
These are questions we both have to answer, for ourselves if not for each other,
That are we so in love to be able to lose oneself, souls merge into one another?

He'll come

2006-06-06T22:54:00.000+05:30

He will come one day, may that day be soon,
He will take me there, to the stars, by the moon……

He will come my way, we will smile first sight,
He will ask my name, in the summer twilight…….

He shall slowly learn, who I am, what I do,
He will gradually realize I’m nice, I’m true……..

He will then reveal, he’ll tell me about him,
He will open up his heart, his truths, his whim…….

He will show he’s honest, and simple, and good,
He will teach me few things too, make sure I understood……

He will show me the value of friendship and care,
He will shower his admiration, he will love me, he’ll dare……..

He will ask me out some nights, movies or dinner,
He will wisely talk me into it, my hero, he’s a winner…….

He will make sure I’m comfortable, on our every date,
He will even drop me home, before it gets too late……..

He will take me on long drives, we’ll laugh and sing songs,
He wont force me into anything, he’ll know what’s right, and the wrongs……

He will prove his love is pure, when I’m away I’ll be missed,
He will tell me so with feeling, the night I’ll first be kissed…….

He will one day bring up settling, going steady forever,
He will take care of the obstacles, but leave me?, no never…….

He will call me every night, we’ll plan our future bright,
He will help confront my folks about it, we’ll do it all just right…….

He will convince me he’s worthy, he will firmly take resolve,
He will mean it when he tells me, around me his world does revolve…….

He will make me feel so special, his offer how can I deny,
He will gift me a ring that blessed day, I’ll be first to cry……

He will make me part of his heart, home and soul,
He and me will together strive to attain our goal…….

He will make love to me, as no one else could,
He will be so adoring, just as protective as he should……

He will be my guardian, lover, partner, and best friend,
He will be my soul-mate, we wont depart till the end……..

He is there somewhere, in this world, just for me,
He too is dreaming, searching, and hoping like me……..

He too is wondering, and waiting for some clue,
He, like me, is praying for this miracle, happening just to few…….

He will make it, so will I, till that day we wont calmly rest,
He will tackle every test, he’ll be victorious, he’ll be the best……

He will come whistling sweetly, my very favorite tune,
He will walk into my existence, and my life will be a boon……

He will come one day, may that day be soon,
He will take me there, to the stars, by the moon……

2006-06-06T22:47:00.000+05:30

Oh innocent heart of mine,
Rivers of blood, tears of wine,
What do you know what is desire?,
When a spark ignites a raging fire…….

Tell me oh heart, whom do you love?,
I so feel…restless, like a caged dove,
Whom do I wait for?, what do I long?,
For whom do I sing this bittersweet song?…….

Oh heart….the pain, the lonely sighs,
The never ending doubts, the what’s and why’s,
If only the joys would last for good,
If just you’d know, tell you if I could……

Who stalks my dreams, none other but you,
One mind we share, be our bodies two,
If just you’d know how special you are,
How special I feel, when you’re near, or far……..

But I know you’ll never see the love in my eyes,
You’ll never see through those silences, and lies,
We will never meet, our lives never share,
Now we laugh together, tomorrow will we be there?……

Oh heart……in your spaces vast,
Who is it whose shadow is cast?,
Who lurks in there?, whose breath is your wind?,
Tell me……if I take your name, have I sinned??…….

The earth stops to spin, the air is still,
With soothing calm my heart does fill,
When your smile emerges in my mind so clear,
Please don’t fade away, and leave behind a tear…….

You will never be mine, but I’m forever yours,
Let the heavens mourn, as the dark sky pours,
Let the ground split wide open, and swallow this tale,
Our incomplete love story…….is buried…..with this wail……

Oh heart, you’re so innocent, why do you beat?,
When your sun has set……then how this heat?,
For now, it’s just twilight, a dusk of gloom,
It’ll be worse, an agonizing night soon…….

Maybe someday one star shining far away,
Will rise on my horizon, a new sun, a new day,
Till then oh heart, I’ll look after you,
I’ll nurse you together, I’ll heal you new……

But heart of mine, don’t take it so hard,
Take it easy, and be on your guard,
See the sun has set, but countless stars glow in the night,
Oh my heart, fly up there…..high…..in that bright light……..

Dear dear heart, how foolish can you be?.
Why ask for the moon, when you have me?,
You innocent gem, in this dream don’t dwell,
This may not be your paradise, but don’t make it a hell!……

Oh heart, it’s alright, spring shall return,
In fact, spring doesn’t have to go, if you just churn,
Don’t wait for the weather, let your garden bloom,
Let it flower, and blossom……hum a little tune……

Hum the tune of harmony, contentment in each form,
Joy in the fragrance of flowers, in the prick of each thorn,
Just water your soil fertile, with the seed of love within,
One day it’ll germinate…….that day you’ll win!!……..

For the sun rises and sets with each day,
But let not this garden wither, I devotedly pray,
Keep away the weeds of ignorance and hate,
I’m sure this garden will prosper into something great!……

Oh heart, trust me, I’ll help you recover,
We’ll slowly succeed, you’ll finally discover,
A sun does nourish a garden with care,
But without a seed, and the soil, we’d be nowhere!……

Oh heart, so innocent, keep tending your soil,
Keep watering your seed, slow but steady in your toil,
So when the sun does rise, you can bask in it’s ray,
And believe it or not, your paradise will be here to stay!……

So, oh innocent heart of mine,
No more rivers of blood, or tears of wine,
You may or may not know what is desire,
But just aspire for the best…..grow, never tire!…….

Guiding Star

2006-06-06T22:43:00.000+05:30

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

Whenever alone I get that pang,
Emptiness through the night,
I recall the songs for you I sang,
And the darkness fades into light.

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

Fears creep and tears flow,
My heart just wails, I just weep,
But there’s a hope that dwells,
I know,And a faith that grows so deep.

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

Silent nights gnawing at the door,
Not a breeze, it’s eerie still,
A floating whisper reaches my core,
And my being with calm does fill.

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

Life is strange, a vicious round,
In the center, a void so huge,
Serenity within my depths I found,
As I unfold in your refuge.

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

Tender desires trickle through,
Ripples thoughts, the pond my mind,
A love I treasure, pure and true,
Comforting me, so gentle and kind.

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

Dreamy eyes rise heavenwards,
Sleep stalks me, steady and sure,
Soon I’ll soar, higher than the birds,
And I’ll glow, so bright, evermore.

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

I know quite soon, a matter of hours,
I’ll be up there, watching from above,
I too shall be one of those billion stars,
And a pair of eyes will look at me, for love.

Somewhere in that glittering sky,
There’s a star that shines for me,
Don’t know when it’ll come shooting by,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me……

Oh yes, up there, it’s plain to see,
Sparkling star, as grand as can be,
But still it’s there, it’s guiding me.

Greatest Lesson

2006-06-06T22:32:00.000+05:30

(Preface- During the discovery phase of one’s sexual orientation, ‘denial’ is an observed phenomenon, in some cases of homosexuality. Sometimes, guys, on realizing their gay tendencies, tend to go into a relative phase of self-denial, thereby regressing from their sexual identity. There can be many reasons for this, doubt, fear of family and friends, and stringent infrastructure of values in the society. During this period of denial, guys try to immerse themselves wholly in their work, or on the other hand, withdraw from activity and socializing. They lose faith in the emotion called love, and refuse to acknowledge it’s importance. They take loneliness for granted and continue depriving themselves, leaving them dissatisfied. This not only affects one’s social behavior outside home, but also the relationships within the family. This story is about such a youth, who denies himself love, and how he learns the greatest lesson and truth life has to offer. That truth being……Love, and self-acceptance.)

‘Live like you’ll die tomorrow,Learn like you’ll live forever!’
That was his motto. His existence centered on his learning, his education. He was a research analyst at Pharma Labs., a chemical laboratory which was a pioneer in the field of research in modern day medicine. His name, Siddharth meant ‘the successful one’……and his achievements in the 24 years of his life spelled nothing but success & security. He was an intelligent intellectual with an infectious smile. Though he wasn’t self-conscious about looks, he claimed the poise and profile of a good-looking individual. With a little polishing he could have stormed the ramp & modeling circuits. However, in spite of insistent remarks and compliments from friends and colleagues, he wasn’t interested to venture into that. He was much too absorbed in his work, to spare a thought to his attire……or even his moods. Siddharth, better known at home as Sid, and by close buddies as ‘Sid the Sloth!’, was an ambitious, amiable……and outwardly pleasing personality. He had no qualms in life……no regrets…..perhaps even no desires…..or dreams. Maybe that was coz he’d never given a thought to it before……or probably, avoided thinking about it……
‘Siddharth, dinner’s ready, you can come out of your den now!’, his mom bellowed…..Sid slided into his favorite seat at the table, armed with his pen, papers, and perfectionist attitude…..‘ Sid, you’re not to bring your research stuff here, haven’t we warned you before’, his mom voiced indignantly……evidently irritated……‘ Oh mamma, I’ve to submit this file next week, gimme a break, I’m working over-time, please bear with me’‘ Sid, listen to your mom for once, you don’t have to work while eating, eat in peace & let us eat in peace too’, his dad announced, a note of finalty in his voice.‘ Dad, you know how it is……I thought at-least you’d understand!’‘ Sid…’, his mom began again, but was cut-short by the ringing of the phone…..‘ I’ll get it’, Sid jumped up n rushed to the hall….‘ Hello…..Oh hi Parth, yeah about that article, maybe we should just conceptualize on the side effects of…….Oh, hold on a sec’…….placing his hand over the receiver…..’Mamma, you both can begin, don’t wait for me, I’ll join you when I’m done’……returning to the phone…..’Yeah Parth, as I was saying…’, Sid’s speech droned into silence as he entered his bedroom and shut the door……
Shaking her head in exasperation, Sid’s mom sank into her chair & complained aloud…..‘ I don’t recall the last time the 3 of us have dined together peacefully since this boy’s begun this job of his……it’s been like this since his college…..either it’s the phone, or his paper-work, I wonder if he even realizes what’s entering his mouth these days! Suno ji, I’m getting worried about our Sid, he’s too consumed in his work, he doesn’t care about us anymore…..and after we wedded Shilpa off, well I’m beginning to feel a bit lonely at home, it’s as if we didn’t have Sid at all, we have to do something, that job of his is ruling his life!’Sid’s dad replied calmly,’ Sudha, don’t get tensed up at dinner-time, you know Sid’s working hard to settle down well in life……I admit he’s not able to give us quality-time, but that’s accounted for, obviously he’ll want to earn, and settle down firm before he begins on his own. Don’t raise the topic of marriage again, he’ll scoff it off as usual. Be easy on him Sudha, as parents we should understand his limitations, and respect his privacy, don’t worry so much about him. Infact, his perseverance amazes me at times….I’m proud of our boy’……‘ I miss Shilpa…..I miss our Sid, the one we knew earlier…..the one who used to watch TV with us, dine with us, do my grocery shopping for me, make us laugh…..you remember the time we got so mad at Shilpa for staying out late one date, how Sid patched it all up……he was always the good lil brother, the obedient loving son, Shilpa was the stubborn one……I miss those days…..I miss that Sid’…..‘ Sudha, stop it, we’ll discuss this after dinner, I don’t want to miss the news at 9, I’ll talk to Sid ok, relax’‘ If you don’t, I will, we have to say something now, I want my Sid back!’‘ Mamma, I’m here…where did I go?! Why haven’t you guys begun, I’d told you I’d join you…..what were you talking about me?’‘ Not now, dinner first & Sid beta, no more calls till we’ve finished ok’‘ Aye aye captain’Sid’s mom grinned as she served the plates. Dinner-talk was a matter of insignificant ‘muhallah’ gossip, bills, repairing jobs at home, Shilpa’s news…..and Sid’s work. Once the table was cleared & the bulletin at 9 over, before Sid had a chance to clam up in his oyster, his mom n dad had a serious talk with him. Mom’s will remain mom’s, Sid’s mom laid her case, underlining she wanted some changes at home…and in Sid. Dad was the more composed judge presiding over the hearing, however he had his say too…..‘ Sid dekho, we know how important this job is for you, but at the rate your going, you’ll go mad, or we’ll go mad looking at you! We’re not saying it’s bad, but at office there are certain priorities, at home there are certain priorities……and in your personal life you may have some priorities. Priorities change with surroundings……Your mom gets worked up about you working too hard, you should be a hard worker, but not 24 hours a day, not every day of the week…..why don’t you join a club or gym or something……you so rarely socialize with friends. Don’t immerse yourself in work to the extent you forget to live ok?’Sid eyed his parents worrisome faces, and listened on…..his mom spoke next….‘ Beta, we love you, you know that, you’ve already achieved much more than what we’d dreamt for you……when you were younger, you pursued sports, drama…and drawing too. You were so social then, of-course you have a right to pursue what you want, or don’t want…..but….but how is joining a hobby class distracting you from your work?’
It was a grueling discussion, at the end of which, Sid’s folks were much relieved……and Sid was okay too. He’d let his parents talk him into taking up a hobby class, or a health club, so his routine would provide more variety, and he’d get some time off from his study too. Not that a hobby class was necessary, but then having a productive, purposeful excuse was better than just an excuse……and maybe after all, a hobby had the relaxing atmosphere to lure Sid away from his academic world. Anyway, Sid agreed, not too enthusiastically, but readily enough to take up his previous talent with charcoal and colors……a sketching & painting course, at a renowned institute in the city. Yes, the gym was equally attractive an alternative……but Sid was a little shy about the idea of body-exposure there……and well, he had ample physical exercise in his daily morning jogging, & at office too, he was almost always on his toes. Moreover, drawing would allow Sid’s creative juices, which had momentarily frozen in the fast-paced race for career accomplishments, to flow freely again……and who knows, maybe having friends outside your field of expertise may help……For the first time since he’d been offered his research post a year back, Sid began contemplating and entertaining new & fresh ideas. A new window opened……
‘Hi! Prashant here, are you new?’‘ Yes, I’m Siddharth, just enrolled today, I heard it’s a popular course for amateur artists’‘ It is. Mr. Singhal is a marvelous teacher & it’s more than just a hobby class. Presently a workshop is being conducted here for an international crowd…….acclaimed artists, grooming talent, different themes and reviews, it’s all here, a thorough learning experience. So, are you good with the brush n palette Siddharth?’‘ Better with charcoal, though I’ve lost touch. I’m working you know, don’t usually get time for such pleasures.’‘ That’s okay. I’m a Fine Arts student myself. But I have to admit I’ve picked up more tips here than from my professors at college. Mr. Singhal is the best, the teaching here is state-of-the art…..literally!’‘ You’re from Delhi itself?’‘ Originally yes, but doing my bachelor in Fine Arts at a University in UK now. Though an Indian by birth, I’ve lived in London since I was 10.’‘ Oh, so you shifted to UK when you were young?’‘ Yes…..yes……I did……had to.’‘ Coz your folks shifted base?’‘ No….not that…hey what about you, tell me about yourself too Siddharth?’‘ Call me Sid……everyone does!’
And Sid talked…….about his family, his sister, now married and settled in Canada, his childhood, schools, college, his distinction in chemical engineering, his current occupation…….and his interest in sketching, unfortunately for which he’d no time in his hectic schedule………but how his folks coaxed him into pursuing his talent in this forte. Prashant was much impressed by the cascading tirade of acquirements in Sid’s life. Moreover, he found Sid to be a warm, energetic, and friendly guy……..and being an ‘outsider’ in the city for a limited duration, making new friends was not on the ‘to-do’ list for him. In Sid’s case however , this was an exception…….
That first day Sid was unable to collect much information about Prashant, except that he was 19 years of age, from UK, in town for one of Singhal’s international art workshops, and currently staying with his aunt in Delhi. It was soon known that Prashant was quite a genius at human figure portraits. Art was Prashant’s whole n soul passion. It was what he lived for, it was what he’d die doing……
As days passed by, their friendship strengthened amidst the strokes and shades, contours and curves, theory and practical sessions, interactive lectures and recesses. Sid slowly got apprised of Prashant’s past…..the tragic loss of his parents in an automobile collision when he was just 9, how his aunt looked after him for a year before his admission to a prestigious boarding school in England, for which he had to leave his homeland…….How he wasn’t so scholarly when it came to algebra and sciences, but how he discovered he was gifted with the pastels n canvas…….and hence, how he’d decided to focus on art as his goal, his dream.…..and his destiny……
In Prashant, Sid found a friend totally unlike his other friends. He didn’t categorize under those brainy, extrovert, humorous characters who formed Sid’s limited friend-circle. Prashant was more reserved, mature for his young age, a cheerful disposition and a fresh unassuming nature. He had that untouched innocence that is rare to find. His eagerness to learn, and his elation at gaining knowledge were his likeable traits. He wasn’t one of those know-it-all bloated egos that stalked the world of professionalism. Prashant was different, an altruistic shade, a spiritual countenance, and yet, a unique sense of style. He was very perceptive, and positively pure at heart. To Sid’s mind, Prashant resembled a blooming bud waiting patiently to flower into fragrant beauty. To have him as a friend was very rewarding, for not only did Prashant guide Sid during drawing classes, but also regarding general aspects of life…….Sid was able to learn a lot about life, through Prashant’s masterpiece sketches, and his few but wise words……Prashant was truly gifted. He saw people, he drew people, he could connect with other hearts through his eyes, he perceived emotions, understood feelings. His compositions spoke about life & expression in the mould of the human form. A brilliant artist, and a beautiful person. And for Sid, a very special friend……One day, after class dispersed,
‘Prashant, you told me you stayed with your aunt here, so how do you travel to n fro?’‘ Bus, of-course.’‘ Not today, I’m dropping you home, that is if you don’t mind my company during the drive, though, I’m sure my car will ensure a more comfortable ride…….as compared to those tin-box buses on the roads! Come along, we’re travelling in style today!’Saying so Sid caught hold of Prashant’s arm, to lead him towards the car-parking area…….however, he was met by resistance….‘ What’s the matter, forgotten something inside?’‘ No.’‘ Then come on, you don’t want me to drop you?’‘ Well, I’m sorry, but yes, I’m turning down the kind invitation.’‘ Why? You don’t like me do you?’Prashant laughed politely.‘ Nothing like that Sid.’‘ Then what pray may I ask is the reason for your reluctance?’ Sid asked, a tinge of humor in his tone.‘ For that, you’ll have to travel with me by bus one day.’‘ Fine, let’s go now.’‘ You’re ready?’‘ Sure, why not?…..You forget, I belong here, still I’m unsure as to what the novelty of a mere bus ride is, in front of a posh Ford vehicle, that too, considering you hail from UK. Let’s check out what’s so good about the bus.’‘ Haven’t you ever traveled by bus here?’‘ Not for a while….why?’‘ Okay, come then…..you’ll see why.’Once aboard, crammed into seats in the congested bus, their conversation resumed….‘ You chose this to my car?! Prashant, you gotto be kidding!’‘ Don’t you see Sid, I’m used to journeying in luxury everyday, so this discomfort is a welcome experience to me, and enjoyable too! But on a more important note, it’s here you get to observe people, their life unfolding, you blend into their laughter, their chit-chatter, their tears……You learn about life through these people, you learn about yourself through them. You become one of them, you are one of them! You’re inspired for a new artwork here. It’s true, life teaches us it’s lessons in the most unusual places, undoubtedly one of them is the bus. Nothing so special about an air-conditioned car, but sitting with different people everyday in a rickety, rusty bus teaches you things about life you’ll otherwise fail to notice. We cant learn about life unless we open up to it, just like we cant see unless we look around, keeping one’s eyes open isn’t enough! Life’s like a puzzle and the puzzle’s incomplete without those missing pieces…….n those missing links are hidden in the most inconspicuous places, one of them being……the…..?’Sid was dumb-struck, in no condition to promptly fill in that blank……he couldn’t find his voice, it was lost somewhere in his sudden enlightenment……‘ Hello, where are you?’ Prashant whispered to the unblinking face before him…..‘ Uh, I’m here……I was only…. thinking…….sorry, what were you saying?’‘ Never mind!’‘ Yes, you were telling me about the benefits of a bus-ride……I must confess, I never saw it from this point of view.’‘ Everything in life can have more than one angle to it. We usually relate the situation to the perspective that suits our thinking the most. However, each of those perspectives has something good and bad about it, they aren’t completely ‘good’ or ‘bad’ by themselves.’‘ Wow! You’re quite a philosopher, and this is all from observation?’‘ Yes, that and the willingness to let life within you, the willingness to open up to life’s secrets…..’‘ What you said about angles…..and the good n bad of each, do they apply to everything?’‘ As in?’‘ As in relationships or so?’‘ Sure they do, every relationship can have more than one angle to it, each with it’s own plus n minus points.’‘ How so?’‘ Sid, consider a friendship, one angle to that is the ‘friendly, benevolent’ component, another angle is the ‘loving, passionate’ component, yet another angle could be the ‘envy, evil, hatred’ factor. All are different shades of a single relation, all extremely varied, yet they can’t be separated from it. And they each have positive and negative points to their credit. Friends can be lovers, friends can be just friends, and friends can be enemies too, each a different color in the same palette and each color gives a definite depth and value to the painting, same way each angle of a relationship gives the relation a new meaning.’‘ So you say a relationship can have many angles?’‘ Yes, and we choose the one which suits our mentality best, like we do color combinations at art class.’‘ So what about us?’‘ Well, what about us?’‘ We’re friends?’‘ Don’t you think so?’‘ Are we?’‘ Of course.’‘ But as you said, that’s just one angle of it.’‘ Are there more angles to it?’‘ Sure- I can hate you for being a better artist than me, that makes us enemies……I can love you for the person you are, that would make us…….something more than friends…….’‘ Like what?’‘ Like….lovers!’Prashant looked into Sid’s black eyes, eyes that were gazing right back at his own….eyes fired with a new spirit……‘ So what are you saying- do you love me or hate me?!’‘ If I say I love you, what would your reaction be?’‘ I’d laugh!’‘ You’d laugh at love?’‘ I’d laugh at your love!’‘ Why?’‘ It’s preposterous!’‘ Coz we’re both guys?’‘ Initially, yes!’‘ But you can reason it out yourself cant you?’‘ About what?’‘ About two guys who may say they love each other!’‘ Please explain, I’m still at sea.’‘ As you said, each situation or relation can have more than one angle to it, we can apply the same rule to sexuality…..’‘ Are you saying…..?’‘ Yes, I’m saying……homosexuality is one angle, hetrosexuality is one, bisexuality is another, each chooses one which suits his mentality the most……and each have their plus and minus points!’‘ So……you’re….?’‘ If I say I’m one of those angles, and that I love you, can you put two n two together?’‘ Sid, this is inconceivable!’‘ Nothing in life is impossible!’‘ So what do you want from me?’‘ Nothing.’‘ Oh!…?’‘ Prashant, I’ve just given you something to think about, applying your principles to it, that’s all.’‘ Is that the end of it?!’‘ You could give me an answer…..’‘ Meaning you want me to tell you I love you back?!’‘ No, I didn’t say that….’‘ But that’s what you want to hear isn’t it?’‘ Maybe.’‘ You’re not sure?’‘ About?’‘ About what you want to hear….?’‘ Doesn’t that depend on what you feel Prashant?’‘ No, Sid…..It depends on what you feel….and how much you feel…..and how much you give…..’‘ I don’t get you….’‘ Our stop…..let’s get down’, they alighted at the bus-stop……‘ Sid, come over, the house is a 10 minute walk from here, come meet my aunt, have tea with us, she’ll like you……’‘ I will…..on one condition.’‘ Which is?’‘ Which is that tomorrow after class, you will come with me to my place, and meet my folks, okay?’‘ Done! And we’ll go by your car too okay?’‘ Not okay!’‘ Oh, why?’‘ Coz tomorrow onwards, I’m coming n going from class……by bus!’Prashant’s face lit up with an engaging smile. Prashant was 2 inches shorter to Sid’s 5’11” frame. While Sid was athletic & toned, Prashant was slim, with the gait of a wood-nymph. Sid was dark-haired and dark-eyed with a fair complexion, Prashant was lightly tanned with gray eyes, eyes that spoke volumes of wisdom……and truth…..for the truth was plainly visible to Sid, Prashant too, like him, was gay….and loved him too!……Sid didn’t need the words to confirm this, Prashant’s heart was an open book…….They walked in silence…….
Prashant’s aunt was a motherly character. Widowed recently, she lived alone, and though she’d not borne any kids of her own, Prashant was like her own child. She’d wanted the best for him, so had somehow beaten the odds to arrange for his schooling in Britain. She accepted his decision to specialize in Art, since she was aware he was more inclined to being artistic from the time he was a kid. Tea was a homely affair, they chatted like family…….Two hours later, suddenly realizing how late it had become, as Sid was taking his leave, he courteously requested Prashant’s aunt to grant him the weekend’s stay at Sid’s home. Prashant’s aunt was only too happy to agree. Prashant was ecstatic……..
Next evening Prashant was introduced to Sid’s folks. They warmed up to him instantly. Later, Prashant even offered to help out in the kitchen, claiming that cooking was another one of his interests. After dinner, for the first time in ages, the TV remained off, and surprisingly, Sid didn’t retire to his den, they all shared a few rounds of card games, intercepted by many a jokes and funny narratives. The living room came alive with loud laughter this night……..In between, Sid’s mom glanced once or twice in her husband’s direction, with incredulous eyes. She was full of astonishment, what she couldn’t do in a year, Prashant had done in one night!……..
Over the weekend, Prashant really mixed n mingled with the household in a way, he became everyone’s favorite. And Sid paid heed to the beckoning pleas of his juvenile heart, he made a startling discovery……it dawned on him, he was in love with Prashant…… but as he’d already confessed of his this feeling to him, now if anyone had to make a move, it had to be Prashant……..
Monday morning arrived and everyone wanted Prashant to stay longer, but he refused out of genuine concern for his aunt, who was home alone. Sid offered to drop him back, while Sid’s folks invited Prashant to come over again soon, as this home was his own now……During the drive,‘ Prashant, I’ve to talk to you…..’‘ Sid, you have the best parents in the world! Wow! That weekend was awesome fun, thanks so much, I’ve some wonderful memories to carry back with me now……’‘ What…?!’‘ What happened?’‘ You……you’re….leaving?!’‘ In another week……yes…..why are you so flabbergasted, I thought you knew I’m studying abroad?’‘ I did……but…..you’re here for a course right?’‘ Yes……for a workshop spanning 4 weeks, it’ll get over next week, then I’ll have to return. I’d been chosen by my batch to represent my University at the workshop, I’ve done that…..and I had a chance to meet my aunt….that’s all I wanted….’, Prashant diverted his gaze to the scene outside the car window, as he furiously tried to blink back tears…….‘ Stop it, Prashant…..you’ll hurt yourself.’‘ What…?!’‘ I know you love me!’‘ I…….no……I don’t…….whatever gave you that idea?!’‘ You didn’t tell me……..I just realized I already knew!’‘ Sid……I …….No…..’‘ Prashant, listen, I know you’ve to go back, I know you’ll return, and I can and shall wait for you, till you do……’‘ No……..Sid………you cant.’‘ Why not?’‘ Because my duty is over….’‘ Duty?! What are you talking about?’‘ Do you remember when we first met?’‘ Yes…..I do…..Why?’‘ You recall you told me about yourself?’‘ Uh-huh…..what’s this leading to?’‘ Sid, you told me your motto- ‘to Live like you’ll die tomorrow, to Learn like you’ll live forever’, however you’d concentrated solely on learning, so much that you didn’t much savor living anymore, I could see that. I just wanted to show you there’s a lot to learn about life beyond your technical books and that the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love someone and to be loved back in return…..’Sid took a moment to let these insightful words sink in……..then still reflective, he said,‘ Prashant……..but I love you.’‘ Sid, I’ll not be back for another 2 years……’‘ I can wait…..for you….’‘ No, I will not permit that, I…..I forbid it.’‘ Why, don’t you love me too?’‘ We’re…..we’re here…..wont you come upstairs Sid?’‘ Prashant, answer me…….’‘ Sid……I……well……love isn’t about what you expect to get, it’s what you’re expected to give- and that is everything……Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away……’‘ True……but you haven’t answered the question yet…..?’‘ I………..’‘ Do you love me or no Prashant?’‘ I…………….’‘ Prashant, please be truthful to yourself, if not for me….’‘ Oh God!….Siddharth, I Do Love You!….but I didn’t want you to love me for that, I just wanted to show you….what love means, how it can change a life……’‘ You already have….dear.’‘ Would you like to come up?’‘ No, I’m rushing for work, I’ll meet you at class in the afternoon…..’‘ I’ll be there….’‘ See you soon….love’, he bent over to kiss Prashant’s cheeks. Prashant gently caressed Sid’s face with a tender touch of his soft palms……..smiling serenely, he bid farewell……..
As Sid was driving towards his work-place, slithering through Monday morn traffic, inwardly he was rejoicing, about how he’d been blessed with love, how it had changed his life, how love had taught him to live….once again!……It’s a fact, the small things in life, which Sid took for granted and never really bothered about, he gradually learnt what a difference they can make to a human being, how these priceless pleasure giving moments make our each struggle worthwhile, make our each breath treasured. Like, for instance, the wrinkles depicting age-old wisdom in an elderly’s face, a glint of mischievous excitement in the eyes of a kid, a bundle of joy to cradle a baby to sleep in your arms, dew-drops on a rose, the moist aroma of the earth when the first rains quench it’s thirst, the silence of the slumbering city in the darkest hours of dawn, and the first signs of stirring as the world welcomes a rising sun……..to feel the boundless love and protection of falling asleep in your mother’s lap, the unshakeable trust in your father’s sound advice……the companionship of friends, the power of music and movement, and the devotion of a beloved…….the simple ticking of a clock, the sweetness of ripe fruits, the steady steep rise to success, the voice of a dear friend when he calls after ages, the pitter-patter of raindrops on the window-sill, and the sheer enjoyment of flying a kite, or dancing n getting drenched in a downpour……..such things……small surprises nature bestows on us, the little things in life we tend never to give a second thought to……but all the same, which make us feel special and warm within, these lay forgotten in the mundane, monotonous existence of Sid’s workaholic life. But the love of a special soul had changed all that……..Churning on these thoughts, the lyrics of a soulful Celine Dion song, drifting from the radio, caught Sid’s ear……he listened with rapt attention……The words went…….
‘There was a boy,A very strange enchanted boy,They say he wandered very far, very far,Over land and sea.A little shy & sad of eye,But very wise was he.
And then one day,One magic day he passed my way,And while we spoke of many things,Fools and Kings,This he said to me,The greatest thing you’ll ever learn,Is just to love and to be loved in return.’
‘Yes, I’ve learnt this lesson…….and I found such a boy….Prashant……& he loves me too! I shall wait for him to return, and we’ll be happy ever after, he and me!…..’, Sid exultantly anticipated. Yes, convincing his folks still remained a hindrance, but Sid was confident his folks would understand, and this hurdle they could together overcome. After all, his parents knew him now, and liked him too!……’And maybe I can go settle in UK, so that we can be together, Oh yes, things are going to work out for us’ he thought……Sid was jubilant, he’d found true happiness……he’d found love!……
In front of love, Sid’s accomplishments, success, education and office, all of it appeared so small, so trivial, as if whatever he’d earned in his life till now, none of it was as special, and as valuable, as what he’d earned now…..love!…..Funny, he was driving to the office, but his office never felt less important to him than now!……Sid was in the seventh heaven………
CRASH….BANG, Bang!!……..
‘SID, you’re getting late for office, wake up!’, his mom screeched……Sid stumbled out of bed in a daze and unlocked the bedroom door……his mom entered,‘ Sid beta, what’s wrong, aren’t you well?’‘ Kuch nahi Mamma, I’m okay, what day is it today?’‘ It’s……it’s a Friday….Why?’‘ Oh……oh nothing…….I thought it was Monday…..that’s all………….’‘ Sid, are you feeling alright?’‘ Yes….Why Ma?’‘ Oh nothing…..just that last night, when we discussed about you taking up some hobby, I wondered if your dad and me weren’t too hard on you…..we’re sorry beta, it’s just that…….well anyway, we’ve decided you don’t have to do it for us, do only what pleases you, okay dear?’‘ Mamma…….I…….’‘ Hey, get up, or you’ll get late for your office, you’ve never been late before!’‘ Mamma wait, let me say this……I am going to pursue that drawing course you suggested, because I do feel like it, what’s more, I don’t care if I’m a little late for office today, but I’m having breakfast with you and dad before I leave…….I…….I really love you!’‘ Oh…….Sid……..’, but the rest of the words were lost as mother and son embraced…….
Sid was never a bathroom singer, today though the bathroom walls witnessed a new spectacle, Sid humming a melodious tune in the shower!……the tune of a Celine Dion number……..
‘There was a boy,A very strange enchanted boy……
And this he said to me,The greatest thing you’ll ever learn,Is just to love & to be loved in return.’
Sid had learnt his lesson. He’d learnt that self-acceptance and love for the self are the keys to a happy n love-filled life, that we must be grateful for all that we’re blessed with, and be humble enough to respect what we’ve got, and noble enough to share it with others, that we must open up to life, and live life to the fullest, only then will love flow back to us!…….Last but not least, Sid learnt to never lose hope, to keep up the faith, keep believing in your dreams, and in yourself first. And never to stop believing that you are special, and that the world is a more special place coz you’re in it!…….Sid’s motto still centers around life and learning, but it includes ‘love’ now…….Now Sid’s motto is,

‘Love thy self, love thy life,

Love to learn, and learn to love!’

Crush Rush

2006-06-06T22:30:00.000+05:30

February 14th, Valentine’s Day!!……’Oh boy, what joy, when will anyone love moi?!’, Neil grumbled, propping himself up on his bed, yawning precariously……’Well, might as well go to college, no point brooding in here all day.….who knows, my crush just might smile back, or maybe even gift me a card or something?!!!’, he perked up. ‘Oh, it’s no use, I know it’ll never turn out the way I want it to, first of all, Henry hasn’t an inkling that I adore him, secondly, he doesn’t even know I’m gay, and I have grave doubts he’s one either, last but not the least, why the hell will he wish me when he has all those gals swooning over him?!’, conflicting thoughts fleeting through his mind, Neil forced himself out of bed and went over to the mirror…….he didn’t quite relish what he saw, a reflection of tousled hair, groggy eyes still heavy with slumber, a few slight scars from early adolescent acne, but a still evenly featured, and cute face…….’Neil O’Brian, you don’t look bad, especially when you’re groomed, just don’t be such a sadist, perceive a winning image for yourself, and the world will perceive you in that image, so buck up, get ready, and go show Henry what you are!.….if the worst comes to worst, the only drawback is that the whole campus will run amok with the sensation that their star choir vocalist is a gay!!….but who cares?!!……I don’t, at-least, not much!…..I just want Henry to know I care for him like hell, I cant bottle it up any more, it’s getting me unnerved!!’, Neil recalled how he’d gone all wobbly when he’d seen Henry’s handsome face looking straight into him during music rehearsals the past week……at-least they shared one common interest, music….while Neil was a good singer, Henry Kluger, 2 years his senior at college, was an aspiring guitarist……Neil couldn’t forget the first time he’d seen Henry at music class, a 6’ athletic muscular frame, his toned muscles clearly outlined through his black turtleneck, his body hugging faded denims, and Nike sneakers…….a jaw and mouth that could have been carved by a sculptor, steely blue eyes, and an aquiline nose, a tanned flawless skin, his almost perfect face framed by his dark wavy hair……and his smile, warm, genuine, a perfect set of white teeth, and the rest was history…….Neil, wondered what this hunk of a guy was doing in a music class?…..he would have been the stage-idol had he pursued theatre, or even more popular as a football star!……but what luck!, he was a guitarist, and Neil could steal glances at his ‘crush’ almost everyday…….and he realized, he seemed to want Henry more with each day!!…….But, Neil was also quick to note, Henry Kluger held an irresistible charm not just for him, but many of the other guys, and all the girls at their university!…...as to whom Henry liked, that was an unsolved mystery, although he was seen to date some of the lasses, he wasn’t rumored to be in a steady relationship with anyone…….’God, even if he is a gay, he would never come to like me, forget losing his marbles for me!!’…….Neil once again glanced at his reflection…….5’10”, lean and average built, fair and fit, large hazel eyes, a cute, impish face topped with hay-blonde close-cropped hair…….’Not bad, not bad at all, now all I need is a hot shower, shave, some stunning outfit and a red rose, and I’d be ready for him!’, Neil giggled self-amused………as he headed for the bathroom he sighed…….’If only, my thoughts could reach him now, and he notices me…….sigh……oh well, lets see what the girls surprise him with, bet he’ll get a million roses today!…….hope he accepts mine?!!’………
Neil was right, Henry was floundered with flowers……cards, little gifts-‘tokens of love for our gorgeous-greek-god-guitarist’ the girls had chorused!……Seeing Henry smile sublimely as he received end number of such delights, not to mention chocolates, Neil tried to gear up and approach the guy who had intimidated him for the past 10 months……..in the beginning, Neil was drawn towards Henry’s drop-dead looks, then it was his talent at music, and lately, Henry’s inner charm, absolutely oozing with bonhomie. Today, Henry looked particularly attractive in black slacks, leather boots, a red v-neck sweater, which being a size smaller, accentuated his V-shaped torso, and shapely biceps……freshly shaved, he was fragrant with musk cologne, while his damp hair freshly smelled of shampoo…….’He’s too sexy, he’s looking divine today!’, were the whispers that were ushered, not just by the students, but even the professors and teachers at campus!!…….Neil had considered…….the only time he would be able to disclose his heart’s feelings to Henry would be right after music period, he thought, for it was too risky to do it after school timings, when everyone would be practically buzzing around the charismatic youth. Neil hoped his brown suede trousers, and cream polo-necked sweater, complete with designer shoes, and the new after shave lotion he’d tried that day was appealing, he didn’t want to look too bad at the act……..he had cancelled the idea of a rose, ’It’d seem too preposterous to do that on such impulse’, Neil pondered…….’I’ll just wish him…….a smile will do, if he gets any vibes, then all and good, otherwise, whatevva?!!’…….

The bell went off, and the students at music class dispersed slowly, filing out of the hall……it was a particularly spontaneous session today, their professor had asked some of the students to perform their favorite love tunes for all to share……Henry’s rendition of ‘Edlewiess’ and ‘Something Good’, from ‘Sound of Music’ was enthusiastically cheered…….When it was Neil’s turn, he had racked his brain hard, finally singing a Whitney Huston number, ‘The Greatest Love of All’……he remembered stealing a glance at Henry while singing…..Henry was seated casually on the corner stool, his arms embracing the guitar, as he played the chords in exact pitch to Neil’s melodious tones…….the class erupted into applause, though Neil wondered if it was Henry who ought to get credit, he’d stand no chance singing in stark silence, especially with Henry around!!...…his voice would have failed him in that case!!, but Henry had rushed to the rescue, and complimented the song with his guitar skills……Now that the class was over, Neil braced himself, he was about to do what he’d never dreamt of doing before……to tell his ‘crush’ Henry, that he was a fantastic performer, a wonderful guy…….and that he, Neil O’Brian, was madly in love with him!!……

‘Err, excuse me…..Henry…..Hii!…..I just wanted to tell you, that was a mighty good performance you gave in there, and thanks a lot for backing me up…..I was kinda jittery, but it seemed ok in aide of the music don’t you think?’, Neil inquired, trying to move Henry a bit to the side of the corridor they were passing, but in vain, for Henry was already swamped with his ‘music-fans’……still, Henry detached from the chattering crowd……and slowed down to meet Neil’s eyes……..

As Henry’s eyes penetrated into his own, Neil again felt that familiar sensation of ‘rubber-knees’……yet he held firm…..and boldly repeated, ‘So Henry, what did you think, did I do alright in there?’……Neil’s eyes searching into the blue depths of Henry’s for some sign…..
‘You were beautiful O’Brian……and you chose a good number too, though Neil, try concentrating on the higher pitches, you’re voice wavered a bit there, but otherwise, a most splendid performance, I wanted to personally compliment you for it, thanks for giving me that chance…..Neil’, Neil felt as if he was losing himself in that deep voice……he quickly regained…..
‘It’s Valentine’s today isn’t it?…..I saw you were being showered with every possible gift and card, you’re seat has become a local shrine today…..it’s flooded!’, Neil managed to mumble, as Henry’s look sent those shivers down to his core……Henry smiled, and most humbly replied, ‘Well, I’m flattered by their love, all I can do is perhaps give them my heart felt thanks, and best wishes, that’s all I have’…….Neil at once grasped the words…..Henry said warm wishes, he didn’t say he ‘loved’ all his admirers!…..that means, Henry is particular about who he ‘loves’, even if that is behind a mask of superficiality……Henry does love someone……..

‘Well, I just wanted to wish you all the best on this day Henry’, Neil voiced, smiling warmly at his ‘dream-guy’…….and in his mind he was praying, ‘Oh Lord, just let him know I care for him, and love him truly, I don’t want him, I can love him from a distance, but just let him know’……
Henry once again stared into Neil’s light hazel eyes…….eyes that twinkled with some sparkling serenity……as Henry looked into that cute face, a striking resemblance struck him……when he was younger, Henry had tried to visualize what a love-cupid would have looked like!…..now as he saw the smiling angelic face before him……Henry thought……’If there were really cupids out there, I’d title Neil as one, he looks lovable!’…….

Neil didn’t notice the hand Henry had struck out, gesturing a hand shake, Neil’s trance was broken only when he felt Henry’s firm but gentle hand on his shoulder……suddenly he was back…….mustering one last smile at ‘his love’, Neil abruptly turned and walked away……A somewhat surprised Henry was rooted to the spot…….the magic of that sweet smile hadn’t worn off him yet….and he didn’t realize, Neil’s sudden departure was just coz Neil had wanted to hide that lone tear that trickled down his cheek as he retreated…….Neil had decided…….he had tried to convey his love through his thoughts……if they didn’t work, then his words would be useless……..

Neil didn’t know……..his thoughts….had reached Henry……..The final bell was announced, the day at college was over…….Neil was the last student to amble out of his classroom……the corridors were deserted……the head-peon was busy barricading the administrative offices with security locks……while the sweeper was doing his last rounds on the grounds…….the campus appeared strangely lifeless……or was it that Neil felt like that??…….as he passed the music hall, the doors now locked, he recollected the scene that occurred on that spot earlier that day……Henry’s hand on his shoulder…..and the sudden rush of emotion he’d felt welling up within, and his hasty return, just an excuse to shield his single tear……..He envisioned Henry…….the answer to every women’s dream……and if he was gay, or even a bisexual, he’d be the answer to every other gay man’s fantasies!…….he pictured all those 10 months of seeing him during the day, and thinking about him during the night……..he’d dreamt of sharing, with Henry, wild passionate nights, romantic evenings, endless conversations, silent walks on the beaches, trekking expeditions, star gazing, scooba-diving, ice-skating, live-duet-performances…….and so many more special moments…….but now they all seemed distant……and hazy…….Neil remembered, that morning, when he’d awoken, he’d crossed his fingers and hoped that Henry was a gay, that all those smiles and dates he was putting on for the girls was all just to play along……..Neil had dreamt last night……that Henry would present him with a red rose that Valentine’s, as a token, to represent the respect, the admiration, the appreciation, and the affection and awe they treasured for each other……’Ha Ha!, yeah right, why would he ever give me a red rose?!….what am I to him in front of those always jabbering, giggling, gossiping, flirting, chirping birdies hovering around him?!…..somehow till now, I felt….well……that they weren’t his type……that he’d be different…..but what does that matter now?…..I guess I was wrong, maybe I did have a crush on a straight guy?…..it’s alright, we all are allowed mistakes once in a lifetime……but he seemed so……..well…..good, any ways, maybe in our next lifetime eh Henry?!’, Neil was talking to himself…….as he neared the gates of the campus……after strolling over the empty grounds……he was met with a totally unexpected sight…..Henry……dear Henry…..same red sweater, black pants, black shoes, same smart, sexy guy……but with a somewhat different smile….and a somehow different twinkle to his alluring blue eyes…….a flash at those perfect set of teeth as Henry opened his mouth to slowly say, ‘Hello Neil, what kept you?, I’ve been waiting here!…….I had something to tell you too……but first……’Henry’s right hand came abreast from behind him…….he held it up……in his hand was nestled…….a lovely red rose…….which he wanted to gift to his ‘crush’ since the last 10 months…….Neil!!……. And so their search ends here….and a journey begins…….’And boy, what a journey!……Oh boy! What joy! I have you to love moi!!’……..

Christmas Gift

2006-06-06T22:28:00.000+05:30

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air,
With one enormous chair, Aww, wouldn’t it be lovely!
Lots of chocolates for me to eat,
Lots of cow’s milk and lots of treat,
Warm face, warm hands, warm feet, Aww, wouldn’t it be lovely!……’

Andrew hummed the tune to himself, a light hop in his walk, as he strolled the golden woods that autumn afternoon. The setting sun bathed the woods amber. Winter was fast approaching, and very soon the mellow foliage would be replaced with the silvery white coats of snow. Andrew would be able to witness as Mother Nature discards her gold attire, to attain her pure, delicate white adornment for the cold season. Andrew would soon be able to marvel this transition, for his daily walk back home from work, cut across a section of the lovely dark woods. He enjoyed these walks the most, for not only was he able to observe the bounty of nature, but also reflect on the beauty of his thoughts, his dreams, his aspirations. Andrew, also popularly called Andy by his colleagues at the fast-food outlet where he worked as a waiter, was a humble lad, mostly reserved, and much too mature for his 22 years. As Andy trotted on that familiar path that lazy October afternoon, he contemplated how satisfied he was with his small-time job, and tiny existence on the planet!…….if only there was something he longed for, something he wouldn’t mind being blessed with sooner or later…….was……love……
Andy lived alone in his mini-flat, which comprised of a modest sitting cum kitchenette cum dining room, and a study cum bedroom, and the compact bathing vestibule, which he considered quite too small to be called a ‘bathroom’!…….Living independently had it’s charm, it’s responsibility, and it’s headaches too, but Andy had pulled through, and managed to establish a comfortable routine. Being orphaned while still a baby, Andy’s tender nourishment was undertaken by his foster parents in Ottawa, Canada. At 18, his guardians gave his decision to stay separately, and work his way through college approval. Since then, Andy pursued his higher education through the correspondence courses, while being employed to earn his daily bread……It was fun though, for Andy was able to mingle with the teeny-boppers who thronged the fast-food diner where he worked. In a small but sure way, he was leading a rewarding life…….As he wandered in the warmth of the receding sun, a chill wind whipped his bare face, and he zipped up his jacket close to his neck, then rubbed the palms of his hands together……he was nearing the road crossing, the dense trees reduced to a scarce scattering of wild shrubs, as he sang to himself……
‘Aaahh, lovely it be if I could just only sleep,
I would never budge till spring, crept out of the window-sill,
Someone’s head resting on my knee,
Warm and tender as he can be,
Who takes good care of me, Aww, wouldn’t it be lovely……
……..lovely……..lovely…..lovely……wouldn’t it be…..lovely!……’
He smiled self- contended, as he began humming the song once again……’If only, something special like this does happen to me’, he thought, ‘ then, it would be paradise for me……’, too immersed in such thoughts to be aware of what’s around him, without the cautionary ‘look-before-you-cross’ practice, Andy carelessly headed to the opposite end of the two-lane……...He didn’t notice the speeding car, till it screeched to a sudden screaming halt just inches before him…….The driver was furious!…..
‘Hey, you blind?!, didn’t your mom ever teach you to look before you cross?!…..Listen kid, if you wanna get yourself killed, don’t dare assume I’d wanna help ya!…..now move it, slow-coach!!’…..
Andy sprinted off in the direction of his street…….He’d seen the contorted face of that young driver…..’Boy, I must’av made him mad!….funny, I thot I’d seen him somewhere before?!…..anyways, if I see him again, I better apologize, he looked like in a hurry……’, Andy considered, ‘ though, he wasn’t old, maybe early thirties, but that’s I face I wont forget…..I just hope I don’t see him again under the same circumstances…..he spared me once…next time he’ll flatten me!!’……..
Winter descended, and a fine layer of snow covered the landscape……’Like an icing on a cake!’, Andy watched mesmerized during his walk through the woods. He had arrived early at the restaurant that morning, and by mid-day was on his toes feverishly attending to the cheery christmasy customers that floated in and out of the place in dozens. It was then he encountered the driver again……although this time, in a much pleasant setting……
‘Hey, it’s you again!….well well, the slow coach works here eh?!…..though I must say, your practically buzzing like a steam machine here!!…...you remember me don’t you, young lad?…...had my reflexes been sluggish that day, you’d have been in a hospital now!!…….what’s your name lil one?’…..
‘Andrew, sir’
‘Hi, Andrew!…..I’m Chris!…..bit surprised to see you here!…..I reckoned you must be a college kid…..what’s this, a part-time thing??’, Chris inquired……
‘Yes, sir, it is…..I’m covering my higher ed externally, and working here, I earn my own living, sir’
‘Hey, Andrew, call me Chris…..I’m impressed, quite enterprising aren’t you?!…..good good…..’
‘Sure sir, if you wanna me to call you Chris, it’s ok…..but please, I’m better known as Andy’
‘Merry Christmas Andy, God bless ya, kid!’
‘Chris, if I may, I don’t intend to be shoved around being called a kid!, and you aren’t ancient yourself are you?!!’
‘Hehehe!….the lil one has a sense of humor too eh?!…..kid, I’m elder to you any ways, what are you, 21-22??, well I’m 29 so there, you still are a young one to me!’
‘Alright, sir if you insist, may I take down your order sir, I have to attend to the others too sir, the menu, sir…….why don’t you try our holiday-special sir?’
‘HEY, kid, I thot I told you to call me Chris!……Quit that sir stuff Andy…..it annoys me!’
‘Here’s the deal, you drop that ‘lil kid’ thing, and I’ll quit the ‘sir’ stuff….how about it?!’
‘Ok, deal…….my my, Andy has a wise bone too!…..wanna be friends Andy?…..
‘Sure Chris, I’d love to……but first, your order please sir…uhh, I mean Chris!!’, Andy giggled…..
And Chris chuckled as he placed his order……By the time Chris left, Andy knew sufficiently more about his ‘new’ friend, that he was an IT guy, worked at the IBM branch in town, stayed on the same street as he did, lived alone, was unmarried as of now, was very sports-minded, especially when it came to ice-hockey!……loved eating out, live-music shows, the movies, long drives….and of-course, his dog Tyson. All and all, Chris was a smart, well-to-do, working and settled, independent guy, with an amiable air about him……Andy was attracted to Chris’s friendly demeanor, and his sharp rugged features. Chris was of athletic frame, quite unlike the picture that arises when a person is attached to a desk-job!…..’That’s probably coz of his gym workouts and interest in sports’, Andy concluded. ‘ Hmm, tall and trim, healthy and handsome, dark-eyed, brown haired, strong featured charming person’, Andy judged during a rare moment of peace at the counter, ‘ wonder why he’s still single?….bet he’s dating a looker!…..I wonder if……’, his train of thought coming to an abrupt halt as a fresh wave of customers arrived…….
The next day again, Chris made an appearance at the fast-food outlet……in-fact, he came in almost every alternate day, invariably for ‘lunch’, and slowly Chris too was able to learn of Andy’s past, and present. When Chris learnt that Andy too shared in some of his pastimes, he offered to take Andy out for a drive that weekend, and maybe they could catch up with a movie some day later. Andy readily agreed, and so that Sunday saw them cruising down the scenic highway, Tyson in tow at the back-seat, western folk tunes rocking the vehicle, and 2 boisterous young ‘men’ talking animatedly about themselves, and the ‘leisure’s-of-a-lone-life’!!…….It didn’t come as a surprise to Andy when Chris invited him to his home, for dinner one night……by now, Andy had the strangest intuition that Chris too, like himself……was…..gay!…..He decided, on Friday night, during dinner at Chris’s spacious, modern and trendy house, Andy would put the question point blank at his host…..’Let’s see his reaction’, Andy analyzed, ‘if he is what I suppose he is, then by golly, this would be what I’m looking for, and he’s on the same street as me too!!’……
Friday night…….Andy punctually knocked at Chris’s door at 7 pm……He was received by an eagerly excited Tyson, and a warmly welcoming Chris. Andy, after many ‘yes-and-no’ arguments in front of his mirror, had picked out, to wear, a pale blue silk shirt, gray trousers, a charcoal-gray sweater, and matching boots. He felt the combination would highlight his toned body, his gray eyes, and his fair, almost translucent skin. He was right in his choice. As Chris helped Andy out of his over-coat, Andy could feel admiring eyes sweeping over him, and when Chris complimented what he saw, Andy smiled back graciously. Chris himself looked suave……and to Andy’s eyes, even sexy……in his checked slacks, maroon jersey, and the white collared shirt below it……Andy couldn’t help noticing, the subtle fragrance of after-shave, the soft-silky shine to Chris’s brown groomed hair, the shapely thighs…….very appealing!……After a round of light drinks, and crackers, a sumptuous meal of corn soup, steak with roasted potatoes in sauce, and apple pie with fresh cream and maple syrup was served. Andy was all praises for Chris’s culinary skills, the food was really scrumptious!……Over coffee on the couch, Andy was bold enough to approach the topic…….
‘It’s really odd, you so good looking and intelligent, how come your not taken yet?….I mean, well I just guessed…..what about it?…..you have a girl somewhere in the closet?!’, Andy joked……
Lowering his voice to a whisper, Chris leaned forward and said, ‘Sshhhhh!, no, she’s in the freezer, she’d gotten too hot on the bed last time, I had to cool her abit!!’, saying so, both burst out in guffaws……
‘No, seriously Chris, why aren’t you dating someone?…..I can tell, many will fall for your looks, wit and charm, haven’t tried seducing anyone yet?’……
‘Well, frankly, I am on a date now!……and boy, I’m trying my best, it’s you who isn’t succumbing to my fatale efforts at seduction!…I’m wondering when the drug in the coffee will take toll!!’, and again, they both erupted into howls…..
Andy aimed a friendly punch at Chris, who ducked sideways, and pinned Andy’s arm behind him in a lock-twist…..Chris started muzzling Andy’s neck with his nose…….Andy instinctively felt uncomfortable and tried to pull away……when he succeeded, it was Chris who broke the spell…..
‘Andy……I’ve been noticing you, ever since we met…..at the diner the first day…..you don’t hang around with girls much do you?……Tell me one thing, you ever heard about gays?!’…..
A stunned silence followed, broken by Chris again, ‘Of-course, it’s none of my business, but since I have started the topic, I want to let you know……I am a gay!!’……
Again a hush of quiet……their eyes were interlocked, searching for answers within their depths……Chris whispered again, ‘Andy, go on, tell me, have you ever considered about your sexual orientation?…..if you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s alright, some other time…..how about a walk down the street?’…..
Walking in the magnificent snow coated backdrop, with a clear, still moonlit sky, amongst the white clad trees, at the corner of those dense woods that were so special to Andy, Chris’s silent stares and slight smiles conveyed to Andy, an understanding, and a trust in kind……’He knows, he understands, he respects me…..he may like me too’, Andy churned…….there and then, he confessed about himself, and was relieved to see Chris’s beaming smile, and when Chris embraced him in a bear-hug, Andy felt warm and wonderful deep within……He felt, finally, his prayers were heard…….The Lord above had gifted him with the best Christmas gift he’d ever got……..on Christmas Eve, Andy had been blessed with the power….and gift…..of true love!……
The night that followed had been the happiest one for Andy……though initially apprehensive about sleeping with someone for the first time…..but Chris had been most reassuring, most gentle, and above all, most genuine…….On Christmas morning, Andy awoke to find himself staring into Chris’s most handsome face, brushing against his own…….Chris’s eyes slowly fluttered open, and his face broke into a benevolent smile…….As Chris came nearer and licked Andy’s ear, he murmured, ‘My wish came true this Christmas, I found you Andy, will you be my love, and let me be yours, and together we will stay happily ever after?’………uttering the words, Chris came nearer, Andy could feel his warm, moist breath on his own cheeks……As they culminated in a long, lingering passionate kiss, and made love all over again…….Andy realized, his dream had become reality…….that something special had happened…….It was love!…..and now his life was……..paradise!!!…….
‘Aaahh, lovely it be if I could just only sleep,
I would never budge till spring, crept out of the window sill,
Someone’s head resting on my knee,
Warm and tender as he can be,
Who takes good care of me, Aww, wouldn’t it be lovely……
………lovely….lovely…..lovely…….wouldn’t it be lovely!……’

Broken Dream

2006-06-06T22:23:00.000+05:30

‘ What if I had never let you go?

Would you be the man I used to know?

If I stayed,

If you tried,

If we could only pass this tide,

But I guess we’ll never know,

But I guess…..we’ll never know……'

Every cracked mirror was once a work of art and genius, or so I’ve heard. But then I’ve also heard that mirrors are made to break……some day. I wonder, are hearts made to break in love too……..some day?……It’s a frightening thought, but a harsh reality……at-least, in my case it’s proved true…….People say falling in love is easy, and maintaining that love, and enabling it to bloom n grow is hard……yet, it’s nothing compared to the sheer dilemma, and devastation……of having to let go, of a beloved……..someone who you thought meant the world to you, leaves you……betrayed……alone…….sad, and even guilty for your love. It’s ironically relevant that love in today’s age is like the tossing of a coin, so unpredictable, unstable……and unreliable…….fluctuating…..and conditional. I thought love changed lives, to be honest, it does, but whether in a positive or negative way, only time….n fate can tell…….My love-story was pre-destined to end abruptly…….incomplete and exhausted, yet…….I can relate every phase, and detail of it, with utmost precision……..for me, it’s like it just happened yesterday…….that we ‘accidentally’ crossed each others paths……. Giri was the new sensation of FM. A radio-jockey, and a gifted one at that, he was nothing less of a prodigy when it came to hosting a celebrity talk show on-air. It was one of those shows, wherein the RJ interacts with the public through phone calls, that I first spoke to him. He was funny, witty, exuberant, exciting, naughty, nice, debonair, debating, respectful, reasoning, sexy and sensible all at the same time!…..And that was quite like pulling the rabbit out of the magician’s hat!……His voice was his best attribute, rich, warm, flowing, intoxicating, sensual, purring, deep, resonating……shy, timid, and sweet!……It was his golden voice that first caught my ears……I admit, he was so natural, I think I had a secret crush on him ever since I heard him on the 3 pm afternoon show. I turned a regular listener, and admirer of his obvious talent. Then I was a regular caller…….finally I struck gold, I won a gift-hamper on his show, for a very creative-freaky message to my best friend…..(he didn’t realize that message was meant for him only!)……It’s when I went to the branch office to collect my win, did I stray into his midst…….I was bewitched, he turned out to be a spectacular looker too!……I began to wonder if God hadn’t been a wee-bit too partial while in the process of his creation……coz Giri not just claimed the looks, he also graced the charm and magnetism which a few are truly blessed with……Initially this was quite a blow, for it was a sudden enlightening, I in no aspect matched his aura…..thus I should have given up dreaming about him….and us that very first day……but, you know how senseless the heart is……give it a dream and it’ll cling to it with the fervor of a prisoner longing for liberty…….Love is just the opposite, the heart clings for imprisonment……since it’s in adept to remain independent forever……To be honest, he had me trapped…….and well, I never wanted to escape……..and finally, neither could he!……

I guess we were simultaneous in our assessing each other, and rather spontaneous the way we revealed it to each other too. I suppose that is the first and last time I saw him tongue-tied, n lost for words on the defense……but he was, and is, always very diplomatic, always knew which trump to play when and in a way it pleases the opposite person……We came out to each other, and sitting back now, I reflect on the causes for his self-revelation………Was it that he really loved me, or was it he was desperate enough to need someone to want him?…….There’s a lot of difference in actually being in love, and wanting to be in it…….As for me, I tried being not so easy-to-get……….but then I was, for I loved him intensely……to the extent I’d do anything for him……and everything……

I recall our 4th night together, within a fortnight of our 3rd…….after an exotic sea-food dinner at a popular restaurant, on our drive back to his posh apartment, we were listening to the theme of ‘Titanic’…...I was immersed in the feeling of that moment……I couldn’t help avoiding the fact that I loved the guy who was driving the car, and with whom I’d spent nights before too…..meaning we were in a relationship, if you could call it that…….but my this love for him…..was in dire need of an ultimatum, if nothing else, at-least to give me a sense of security, that yes he knows I love him, n I’m assured he loves me back……I needed that……well, there was nothing else to it, I proposed to him there n then……..His reaction was that of mixed emotions……surprise, satisfaction, a slow smile lingering in his lips……and just for a split second, apprehension in those deep brown eyes……..overall he was pleased I guess, but……I suppose all the trouble began there…….for later I was to discover, his love for me was…….just for fun…….no possessiveness involved, no strings attached…….That night when I offered him my heart, he realized things were getting a bit too serious……..and he wasn’t game to take up that risk……coz for him, love was the biggest gamble……..and commitment, an impossible bet…….

We met many times after that too, but he was careful never to invite me to his house after that night…..instead, he’d make awkward and uncomfortable advances on me in his car, during the drives back from dinner or so…….Well, I now was confused……if he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t make me those passes, but then he didn’t want to admit he loved me enough to commit…….for that matter even I didn’t want him to commit to this relationship, but at-least I would have liked to hear that he loved me, n that my love made a difference to him…….no such words were ever uttered……..In spite of being ‘in-love’, I felt incomplete……as if I was hanging in air without any support and I could see the ground way below me, and I know I’m gonna fall soon, n get badly hurt at that…….For a while, I felt he was using me, just for the sake that I was his friend, someone who would be always available to him……but I didn’t want to bother him with my fears and doubts, and especially, I didn’t want to question him about our ‘relationship’ again……that one night where my proposal was greeted with a cold silence was proof enough for me that he didn’t care to analyze and autopsy ‘our’ feelings for each other……and that was okay with me, I didn’t wanna push myself down his throat……I too was happy at at-least being able to spend time with him, n he was thoughtful enough to take out time for me, from his over flowing work schedule…….Anyway, I’d heard somewhere about this…..a quote which went, ‘Love is like quicksilver in your hand, leave your hand open and it’ll stay, try to close it, n the quicksilver will dart away from your grip’……..Fine, I agreed with that……I gave him all the freedom he wanted, let him have as much fun with me that he’d desire……but…..then what?……Simple, he got tired of me, n very conveniently got attracted to someone else…..this time a girl…….and then on, was very formal in his ‘friendship’ towards me……

Our last private conversation is vividly fresh in my mind…..and memories…….
We were in his car…….He’d offered to drop me back home from my college, which was stone’s throw from the studio where he worked…….He was in a hurry, as he had a date with Smita already planned for that evening…….Smita is a girl from my college, n was his present romantic interest……He was brief and devoid of sentimentality in his speech…..
‘Vivek……coll’s fine isn’t it?’
‘Uh-huh’
‘How are your folks doing?’
‘Fine’
‘Why aren’t u talking much?…..Usually your quite talkative, what’s up?……feeling okay?’
‘I’m okay……’
‘No, your not…….what is it, get it out, we’re supposed to be friends remember?’
‘Giri……I…..’
‘Vivek, is something upsetting you?’
‘I……Well……No……I don’t think so…….’
‘Open up yaar, you aren’t the Vivek I knew……before, kya baat hai…..Viv?’
‘Oh…..so you still remember the name you kept for me…….at one time……’
‘Meaning what?’
‘Don’t you think Giri……I’m not the one who has changed……you have……’
‘Are you trying to imply something here?’
‘You’ve changed haven’t you Giri?’
‘Don’t we all change sometime or the other, doesn’t the world run on change?’
‘If people kept changing colors, how would we know whom to trust, and whom to not, n who are dependable?’
‘Are you saying you don’t trust me anymore?’
‘I didn’t say that….’
‘Oh- then what are you saying?’
‘Just this…….I thought we were more than just….friends?’
‘Wait a minute, look I admit I do like you a lot……maybe I even love you……but then, hey we live in a society n we have to follow the norms……I don’t think I can commit to such a relationship…..Yes, we did have some swell times together, but that was pure fun…..n admit it you enjoyed it as much as I did……but that doesn’t mean I love you enough to be yours…..I never did indicate that did I?’
Silence…….a tense silence……I was gazing intently at him……on the guy I believed was worthy of my love……
He continued,
‘Viv, we’re pals…….n we can share everything, just like we have so far……n that wont change….not ever……see, I love you as a friend……but as a lover, I’m not sure…..besides, I don’t wanna risk falling in love now…...not when I’m making it big in the radio industry…..Life’s tough, but you have to choose wisely, I cant afford to make the wrong moves from my position…..Gimme a break, n see it from my point of view……Can you do that?’
‘Giri……love isn’t pre-planned……’
‘Viv, I’m not in the mood to be ethical n philosophically sound now……I’m a practical guy, I think rationally’
‘Always?……Humans are bound to make mistakes, right?’
‘Well……yes……but in this case, I’ve not erred……I never did commit……n I don’t want love as of now’
‘Giri…..you can save your breath…..I know about Smita….’
This time the silence was electrifyingly tense……..Giri was on checkmate…….but he was a shrewd player at this game……Love for him was nothing more than……a sport…..
‘Smita….?’
‘Yes, Smita is in the same coll I am, I thought you’d know that by now……n I also know you like her, n she’s probably already in love with you……so if you’re so against falling in love, why the courtship with a pretty girl?……from what I know of her, she’s not just pretty, she’s smart too…’
‘Okay, since your aware of everything……let me tell you, Yes, I do like her…..n we’ve been on a couple of dates together…….but…..that’s all……’
‘And I suppose this too is your idea of fun?’
‘Maybe……Hey, why are we discussing about a matter irrelevant here, this is about us…..as far as I’m concerned, I’ve always in the past considered you a great friend……..I’ll continue to do so in the future too…..’
‘Giri……for once, be honest to yourself……you cant escape love, it just happens……you cant pretend you don’t need it, coz you do……stop playing heart games…..or mind games…..or whatever…..I’m not saying love me……but be honest to those you do love……otherwise you’re just hurting others…..and yourself too….’
‘I’m not hurt’
‘But……I am….’
‘So you want me to apologize eh…..okay, I’m sorry Viv…..there, does that make you feel any better?’……His tone was sarcastic, he was annoyed…..
‘I don’t want you to apologize to me….’
‘Then what in heavens name do you want yaar…..why all this accusation then?’
‘Nothing…….I just don’t want someone else hurt……by you, and Giri, don’t run away from love, it’ll just keep chasing you then…….at-least be grateful to the love you’re getting…….not everyone is blessed with it…..’
‘Viv……chill…….we’re not in love……not that kind of love I mean…..’
‘Giri, I know just one kind of love, I’m a fool, I don’t know the diversification and classifications involved……Love to me is just love, pure, true……and good’
‘And we’re back to square one, you’re proposing to me again aren’t you Viv?’
‘No…….I’m not’
‘Then all this is about the weather is it?!’……now his tone was mocking……n I felt…….like I was beating against a dead wall……
‘Giri……I admit I loved you……I still do…..but if I’m capable of love, I ought to be capable of sacrifice too, if that is gonna make you happy…….as for my happiness……..well…’
‘Hey, now you’re talking like a saint…..’Sacrifice!’……by the way, whoever told you to love me, I didn’t!’
‘No, you didn’t…….my heart did…..’
‘So now your blaming me for what your heart did…….that’s dumb!’
‘I’m not blaming you……..I’m…..I…….I just don’t want you to repeat what you’ve done to me…to someone else…….it’s not ……a nice…….experience’
‘Viv……I have to say this…..Shut- Up!……Stop advising me about my affairs, I can handle them myself…..’
‘Yes…….you can…..I’m sure’
‘Good……Well then, pleasure having this fun chat on us, now if you don’t mind, we’re here, so kindly move your ass, I’ve to rush home myself…….’
‘What…….oh…..yeah……we’re home…..anyways, thanks for the lift Giri……see ya sometime……’
‘Sure dude…..I’ll call you up okay…..take care, n be good’…….chuckling, he winked in my direction……
‘You too…….bye’
‘Bye…….Viv darling’
I froze galvanized to the spot……..He laughed lightly, then was quick to add….
‘Just kidding stupid……don’t mind, your sweet……n surely a darling right’
‘Bye Giri’…….
He drove away……..I rushed upstairs……I couldn’t face mom then…..I went to the building terrace…….to cry to my heart’s content…..and I did just that……
About 3 weeks later, I heard Giri n Smita were a hot couple at the Gizmos……the very same restaurant I had accompanied him to, on many a dates……I crossed paths with Smita daily……we were ‘hi-bye’ friends……but somehow it reached her ears, that I and Giri were close friends……hence she opened up to me, more so I guess, as she wanted to know more about ‘her guy’……
One evening, after coll, it was pelting cats n dogs, and both of us had missed our buses, we decided to share an auto home……she’d continue after I’d get off, as my stop came first…….It was the first…..and last time, we were in close quarters n engrossed in a private talk……before we were always amongst common friends…….however, being alone…..her manner became confidential, that of a close friend…..
‘Since you know Giri very well, or so I’ve heard…..I have to confess I was absolutely bawled over by him…..I suppose I really do love him, what’s more, he reciprocates back, so guess he likes me too, do u think he’ll love me too?’
‘Smita, how can I say that, I’m his friend, not his mind’
‘Vivek, Love’s got to do with the heart, who cares about his mind……I was talking about his heart…’
‘Well…….even that I cant say……but yes, he does like you, don’t know how far that’ll take you both though…..’
‘Hmmm……but his liking can turn to love in the future right?’
‘Anything is possible Smita…..life doesn’t come with guarantees, otherwise it wouldn’t be called Life…..love is a part of life, so it’s just as tricky…..’
‘Are you saying something…….what do you mean?’
‘Just this, if we care to love, we ought to be able to survive the battles within it too……love isn’t easy, n it does take time……so be steady, careful, patient…..and have faith, rest is up to Him, for only He judges over every love-story, n gives it it’s verdict……’
Smita was surveying me awe-struck……..her gaze penetrating, her mind calculating……Thoughtfully she replied,
‘Yes, love is not a game, and the heart isn’t a play-thing, guilty are all those who think so, and also those who allow others to play with their hearts……I’m not stupid, I can take care of my heart, I’ve been doing it for so long, and this responsibility will be mine always…..giving my heart to someone doesn’t mean that person will get the reins over me…..but personally, that was a good insight Vivek…….you’ve given me something to think about…..’
And she had opened my eyes……..Unknowingly she’d pointed to why I’d failed in love…….I was weak-hearted n allowed him to rule my heart…..n body too……but love isn’t about ruling and being ruled……it’s about being responsible and respecting one another, and our own self first……that’s where I’d lost…….I never respected my feelings, I was never responsible for myself……By not saying anything, I was just running away from reality……n I kept running……till he lost sight of me……..I was guilty……coz I played by him, but was I guilty of loving him?……..
We arrived in my vicinity, I disembarked, bid Smita farewell, n headed home…….The rains were still lashing down, but this time……my eyes were dry……
Coincidentally, Giri spotted me n Smita together in the auto that day…….Anxious I’d have ruined his chances of winning her, he called me that night……Our conversation was short, he was furious, and I didn’t want to argue with him…..
‘Viv, I thought we were pals……and look what you’re doing, when you saw you couldn’t influence me with your charm, you go up to Smita…….I saw you both together this evening, I’ve not had an opportunity to call her today, but before I talk to her, I wanna know what you’ve told her about me?’…..he voiced, enraged….
I was quiet for a moment……weighing how to reply to him in his state of mind…..
‘Giri, please calm down, we shared an auto home since we missed our buses n as it was raining so hard…..She’s learnt we’re friends, so she asked me if I knew whether you loved her or no…….I didn’t reply to that, said I didn’t know, n that she should ask you herself……But, I know she’s an intelligent girl Giri……don’t play with her feelings, she’s not gonna stand for it’
‘I know you’ve talked her against me, she didn’t even call me up today……..’
‘No, I didn’t……infact….it was she who revealed to me the reason why I’ve lost in love……..but then I don’t wish to discuss this with you….you’ll be least bothered anyways……’
‘Viv, stay away from her, she’s my keeps……don’t dare go opening your mouth to her, or anyone else about us……there is nothing between us except a friendship…..which to me now….seems dangerous’
Then, I snapped….after all I’m human too…….yes, I maybe a bad lover……but I wasn’t a bad friend…..n I couldn’t stand him slandering me with insults…….I answered back forcefully,
‘Fine Giri!……if you don’t care about a friendship then let’s give it up, I don’t want to remain a source of tension n anxiety to you…….if you can only think how wicked n dangerous I am to you, then why the hell should we even be friends?!…..But lemme say this, with friends like you, who needs enemies!…..Goodbye Giri……have a great life, I wont ever create problems for you again…..one thing, Smita and I are in the same coll…..I’ll keep my distance, but if she comes up to me, I’m gonna be what I always was to her, a friend……n I wont harm your image in her eyes okay…….now……Bye!’
Saying this, I replaced the receiver with gusto…….I’d just lost a friend, to be frank…….this was more painful than letting go of one’s love……Friendship is the purest n most prized of all relations, for all relations begin with it…….One can get over losing a love, but losing a friend………is a different story……
After a while, I began to question myself……how good or bad a friend was I?……I knew I’d done wrong by raising my voice at Giri…….but, petty ego kept me from apologizing for that……but then, since we’d broken up even that relation between us, I was constantly consumed by the doubt, whether I should say sorry or no?…….My conscience took the better of me, compassion overcame anger…….hope n healing replaced helplessness……and I mailed him a short message asking for forgiveness, n extending the old hand of friendship again……I didn’t want my conscience to trouble me later, that I was a wrong-doer at the end…….anyways………my that mail has never been replied……
Giri has almost like vanished from the surface of my planet……as for Smita, I see her regularly, but we don’t talk much……after that confrontation in the auto that rainy day, she too has turned blind to me…….either Giri and she are together n he’s warned her against me, or they’ve broken up and she holds some grudge at me, thinking that maybe I hatched they’re break-up by planting suspicion in her mind……..I don’t know, but Smita has changed after that day……..
I wonder if I’ve changed too?…….Although, I know, my feelings towards love and life have undergone a catalytic conversion……Love is not the mushy, rosy, honey-sweet puppy love that strikes you and pulls you into it head, foot n sinker……Love is like the nectar divine which fills an empty soul with life, and a heart with youth……..However, when it comes to love, be cautious, many a times…….fate presents poison in disguise……posing as the nectar of love……and we learn of it’s identity after tasting it, when it’s too late!……And it’s said, any nectar, taken in excess, has a reverse effect, it can turn poisonous!…….Same way, love needs a balance, a discipline…….a guidance, or it gets out of hand…….Nectar or Poison, Love is worth tasting once in any case……..for it’s better to love n lose than to not love at all…….

In our case, I guess we just didn’t try hard enough…….I was weak, he was adamant……but I truly did care for him…..and…well……I sometimes wonder how I could have bettered myself then, so as not to lose Giri……as a love……as a friend…….as a person down memory lane, who made a difference to me…….Does he ever think of me, as I do of him…..guess I’ll never know…….

‘What if I had never let you go?, Would you be the man I used to know? What if I had never walked away?, What if I loved you night and every day? If I stayed, If you tried, If we could only pass this tide, But I guess we’ll never know, But I guess…….we’ll never know…….’

Breaking Bonds

2006-06-06T22:19:00.000+05:30

Mumbai, a land of dreams, the city that never slept, where people made it big, where things……just happened! Yes, if there was a city where Jay could realize, and live his dream to make it big in the world of media, it was undoubtedly, Mumbai. Jay hailed from the pink city, Jaipur. Jay was 21 years. Jay had left his engineering academies to pursue his dream. Jay had disobeyed his parents wishes……but Jay was still brimming with enthusiasm and hope. He staunchly believed, if he tried hard enough, and if luck favored him, he would accomplish what he’d set out to achieve. He just had to keep his vision clear for any opportunities, and grab them once spotted. Oh yes, he would show them all, he intended to show them, that slowly the struggle would pay off, and they’d find his name amongst other famous celebrities……then they’d all come back with bowed heads!…….All Jay needed was a break…..that’s what he’d come here for……a break that would catapult him to the stars, towards stardom. It would happen, so what it hadn’t yet, but it would any day now, he was sure of it…….

Jay had arranged through some contacts, to share a rented apartment at Versova. No, it was Viva Versova!……a haven for media men, models, artists, be it amateurs or top-shot professionals, they were all concentrated here……Studious, Institutes, agents, Acting-schools, training-classes, dance, music, theatre, modeling, personality development, you name it……it was all here, things clicked here, talent was sought here, genius was appreciated here, hard work was given credit here, dreams became reality here……yes, and soon it would happen to Jay too……Jay had taken the necessary steps, followed the natural procedure, portfolio, gym, theatre club, socializing stunts, interviews……Maybe Jay didn’t fit the requirements at some of the jobs, but Jay was good looking alright, of-course, he was working to improve it, but things looked bright……Heads turned at restaurants and clubs, girls giggled, guys looked envious…….still it could get better…..one day those girls would rush for autographs of his, and he would graciously attend to them too……Jay didn’t want to appear stand-offish to them, he wouldn’t reject anyone……after all, he would be popular coz of the support and love of all those fans and well wishers only, so appease them he would…..soon….someday……

It finally paid off, all that running around on an empty stomach at odd hours to catch the right people, Jay finally was signed on for 3 contracts, two of which were still-shoots, and one small role in a soap-opera. Jay was ecstatic, and eagerly took up his assignments in earnest. It wasn’t easy……mugging lines early into the dawn, jogging a good few miles each morning, health food, and the regular gym, and weekend parlor trips, for the facials and massages of-course!…….Well, the shoots went well, they were for some showbiz magazine, one was to advertise a new brand of premium quality shirts, and the other…….toothpaste!……Though, Jay wouldn’t deny advertising for underwear either, as long as it got him somewhere. The magazine editor was disinterested with Jay, while in contrast, the make-up expert a shade too patronizing. All in all, the photographer was the only sane acting person involved, at-least he didn’t act snobbish, in-fact his smile had been kindly, though his eyes were tired…..probably coz, like Jay, he too hadn’t had a good night’s rest for considerable time…….The acting was more challenging, rehearsals were well under way, and Jay found it a rewarding experience to be able to be a part of those glossy sets, and glamorous TV artists. Of-course, it didn’t add to much, as he was only playing an acquaintance to one of the characters involved in the family saga, and his screen-time didn’t account to more than a few minutes, in about 3 episodes, but still, it was a break…..and the Producer had been encouraging, though the Director was more…distant. But Jay was complimented by his co-stars, now that was a start!…….Eventually, once his part was over, and he’d been promised a recommendation to some other soaps too, Jay was back hunting. Jay followed the weekly serial on the small portable at his shared flat..…..his 3 other room-mates had rejoiced seeing him in that striking get-up, with that practiced dialogue in front of the camera, but for Jay, it was a slight disappointment, considering the editor had relentlessly scraped of many of his lines!……still, his winning smile had brought some newness to that dull melodrama at 8!……Fortunately, the Producer had kept his part of the promise, and luckily, Jay had received 2 more offers…….

Jay struggled the first few months. The modeling offers were precarious, but they paid. The publicity was noticeable, Jay couldn’t continue his weekend dinners at a favorite diner, he was too recognizable!……Jay kept track of all his small-time roles in the dailies that ruled the sitcom. It was undeniable, his acting skill had improved…a bit. And he also looked better, obviously, with all that dieting, and workouts, and beauty treatments. Jay found himself having more friends than before, ironically, he didn’t know half the people who called themselves ‘his friends’! But that was life in media, you had to smile for them all, even if they disgusted you! Jay’s name became known in the media world, and in the neighborhood he lived, and in the scandalous gossips that took up most the local newspapers! But that again was part and parcel of being in show business, people would definitely attempt to discourage you, but it was up to you to get discouraged or not! Jay knew all that, he was well prepared for the character slashing by the critics, he decided to ignore the accusations, not only the ones claiming affairs with ramp-models, but also the headline of him being linked to one of his Director’s wife!……’Small-fry’, Jay thought, it could get a lot worse than this!……..Still, Jay didn’t bother much, the sneers behind his back would die when another sensational gossip stalked the columns, so Jay did what anyone else in his place would do, just keep himself occupied in his work……

Jay eventually got the best offer he’d got till then. He’d been selected to play lead role in an upcoming project!……It was a pleasant surprise to him, he knew he deserved that role, but he’d no idea he’d been the unanimous choice, his prayers had been heard. To concentrate full time on this job, he took a small vacation from the ramp, and also turned down prospective offers from tinsel town. The planning was intricate, Jay had many personal meetings with the scriptwriter, in order to get a full understanding of his this character. It was a very unconventional subject, quite controversial, and it demanded the lime-light, and ensured a rocket ride to stardom for young Jay. It dealt with relationships, not just amongst the opposite sexes, but even, as unusual as it may sound, amongst people of the same sex!…..’Gay relationships’ was a relatively untouched topic for the screen, it was like trekking on thin ice!……Wavering decisions, lingering doubts took up most of the discussions the crew had every night……It just wouldn’t be openly accepted without an uproar, so to get it more acclimatized to the Indian scenario, the story revolved around a young group of office going people, mostly single, independent men and women, and their interweaving lives……passions, desires, fantasies, even obsessions, revelations, and climaxes……Jay happily engrossed himself in the extensive reading required. As Jay was to play the role of 24 year old ‘Piyush’, a clerk at the firm, and a friendly, shy guy, infatuated to one of his ‘male’ colleagues, ‘Rahul’……at the same time, a female receptionist at their office, ‘Sheena’ is madly obsessed with ‘Rahul’!……Somewhere down the line, the twist comes when ‘Piyush’ realizes another female co-worker ‘Trisha’ is secretly in love with him, while ‘Rahul’ likes ‘Trisha’!!……Quite a cocktail it was!……Only time would mould an outcome to this story, and judge the audiences reactions. There would be shock, but mingled with delight and suspense too. The person selected to play ‘Rahul’ was the successful model and TV anchor, Kush Tiwari. Both ‘Sheena’ and ‘Trisha’ were to be played by budding screen names. Shooting would begin in 3 weeks, now everyone in the technical circuit had nothing to do but be speculative. But the actors were a smart, fresh lot, and that cheered up the overwhelming apprehension of the crew, who were involved in this gamble……..

Kush was also anxious about the intricacy that the tale revolved around, and the initial response the conservative society would show towards it. Kush lived alone in his posh bungalow at Bandra, and since all the involved artists had decided to have personal practice sessions with the scripts, Kush’s place had been the voted venue. So began the after dinner rehearsals every night……with just the 2 girls, the 2 boys, the scriptwriter, and occasionally the Producer, while the Director was a regular. Later, when the meetings became impromptu, and timings squeezed in for detailed scene enactment’s, Kush suggested Jay stay over a couple of weeks. Not only would it save the unnecessary trips Jay had to make to and fro each day, but also a chance for the 2 actors to cherish a personal friendship. Jay was humbled by the kind offer, and readily agreed…….In just two nights, Jay and Kush became fast friends…….

If anything else, being involved in the same business, and as of now, the same project certainly advantaged them. That first day Jay stayed over at his colleague’s ultra-modern home, he’d been over excited. After all, he’d never experienced the sheer opulence of a celebrity lifestyle before. After their rehearsals for that night ended, and the crew trickled away towards their own cozy destinations, Kush, playing the perfect host, showed his guest around the house, and to the room allotted for Jay. That first night, they’d watched TV for a while, gradually, after a drink or so, they’d got engaged in exchanging nostalgic memories of their ‘growing up’ years. Jokes were cracked, pranks played during childhood were shared, and laughter brought the two youths closer, on the same wavelength. That first night, Kush had lead Jay to the spacious open terrace, out-lined with unpretentious pots, and a wide variety of fauna. Jay was surprised that gardening was one of Kush’s interests. Kush seemed a most exceptionally interesting young man. And…..he was….handsome…….Jay had to be on guard……

Next morning, Jay was even more bewildered to learn that Kush loved to cook by himself too. Not that Kush couldn’t afford a cook, with a bank balance as his, Kush could well appoint the chef at the Taj to be his personal cook! But no, Kush was deft with the chopping knife, and quite an expert when it came to fixing up a nutritious morning breakfast. Jay marveled Kush’s culinary skills, and said he’d better learn one or two things at the kitchen now that he was living with a master-chef!……Of-course, Kush admitted, sometimes when he’s dead tired, or not in the mood, he ordered packed meals from the caterers, but having a cook at home was very much a burden, too much fuss, and even pay hassles, best to be king of the jungle, and have it your own way, Kush had remarked. Now Jay didn’t know what to expect, he wondered if Kush cleaned the house himself, and did his own laundry!……Obviously, such was not the case……though Kush occasionally ironed his favorite suits himself…….Secretly, Jay’s admiration for his co-star increased every moment. He wondered how it was, that though he was in awe of Kush, yet Jay had never felt intimidated by his friend. Jay guessed it was coz of Kush’s genuine amiability, and modest nature. Slowly, as days passed, and deep conversations livened the nights, Jay and Kush talked…….not only about experiences…..memories…..but also reflections, embarrassing moments…..and dark secrets…..secrets that they felt compelled to share…….

It was during the second week of his stay at Kush’s house, practice was a regular affair, as was the daily jogging rounds the young men followed at dawn……Sometimes though, they’d excuse themselves from the jogs, especially if their chats had continued till the break of dawn, those days they’d complete their exercise routine at home, Kush had a home-workout kit. Jay would watch amazed as Kush would time his push-ups, dumb bells, and speed cycling regimen. It was hard for Jay to hide his stealthy glances……when Kush would flex his biceps……stretch his arms…..wipe the sweat of his drenched smooth flawless skin…….really, with Kush doing his exercises with just his shorts on, he was a major distraction!……Jay barely noticed, when Kush also made furtive stares in his direction, during their workouts……Jay too had a toned, defined body…….and luckily for Kush, Jay too exercised bare chested!……..At the kitchen too, Jay would watch mesmerized as Kush would garnish salads, stew curries, and toss around spices……which brewed up bewitching aromas……but for Jay, Kush in an apron was just as appealing as Kush half naked!……..Little did Jay know, he was quite a hindrance when Kush wanted to concentrate on some complicated recipe…….for unknowingly, Kush too was losing in the battle of attractions……..

Kush was equipped with a computer system in his bedroom. One night, after a delicious yet not too heavy meal, the boys withdrew to the bedroom…..while Jay, seated at the corner sofa, immersed himself in a book out of Kush’s lil library, Kush was busy online, surfing websites, swiftly tabbing the keyboard composing mails, clicking away at the mouse……while faint classical ragas floated in the dim vastness of the room…….Neither of the two realized the slight, silent peeks each was receiving from the other……Jay from behind his novel……Kush from the corner of his eye……..Kush could see Jay, stretched out on the couch, dressed in a loose T-shirt, and checked pajamas, while Kush himself was clad in his boxer shorts, and a vest. After much thought, Kush had reached the conclusion……..Jay was not only playing the character of a ‘gay’ man in the serial……but also…..Jay was ‘gay’ in reality…….and not everyone could have judged that…..only the trained eye…..of a ‘gay’ man could have……..Kush had to be sure before…….He toyed with an idea…….

Jay was startled when Kush called out to him in a coy voice, deliberately, he carefully adjusted the bookmark in place, before placing down the book, and gliding towards Kush. Reaching over, Jay rested his elbows on the back of Kush’s chair and bent down to study what Kush had invited him to see. Smiling mischievously, Kush maximized the window of a site he’d just opened to browse……a gay site!…….Jay was glued to the screen as Kush clicked on icons, and finally entered a porn library…….Kush enlarged the erotic picture of a nude man……he turned back to see the expression on Jay’s face…….he saw……glee mingled with embarrassment, delight mixed with shyness, Jay was a naïve youth, thought Kush, a 21 year old dreamer……who though not innocent, yet could act as innocent as a kitten!…….Kush clicked on a picture of two men love-making….by now both of them were suppressing awkward giggles……eyes bating from the screen to each other…….It was a strained control, Jay felt himself go hard…….he wondered if Kush felt the same……..When Kush abruptly got up and caught Jay’s arm, Jay didn’t know what to feel, or do, or say……watching all those sexy photos had disoriented him. Without a word, Kush dragged him to the bed, and pushed him onto it……..Kush jumped in too…….pinning down Jay’s legs and hands with his own, Kush mashed his lips on Jay’s……after a long, hard smooch, their mouth came apart gasping for breath…….in whispers Kush revealed that he knew now, that Jay was gay, so there was no point avoiding it, and that just as Jay had been attracted to Kush, Kush himself found it hard to fight back temptation…….saying so, Kush’s lips again met Jay’s….frenzied….yet warm……Jay could feel Kush’s body over his own…..rigid……firm……tense…….but then Jay lost all sense of feeling…..all perception…….Jay didn’t realize when their clothes slipped off, nor did he notice how long they’d been at it……..when Jay awoke with a start, he found himself below a naked Kush, asleep, tightly embracing him…….Jay struggled to free himself, picked up the clothes strewn on the floor…….switched off the blinking screen of the computer, and disconnected the system…….retracing his way out of the room, Jay pulled up the sheets over Kush’s stark sprawling figure and turned off the night lamp…….gently closing the door, Jay went over to the guest room where he ought to be. As Jay tumbled on his own bed, and tried to sleep, all he could recall was ……that frenzied love……that hot, erect body over his own…….that feverish pitch of release….and drowning into soft caress…..slumber……deep sleep……before Jay knew it, he was asleep recollecting the strange encounter he’d just had a few hours earlier……..deep down Jay knew it……..he loved Kush…….and Kush loved him back………
Jay’s eyes flickered open, when he felt a warm sensation over his neck……it was Kush, muzzling his nose down Jay’s nape……Jay looked into the strikingly fresh and sharp featured face before him……and smiled back……Kush leant over and kissed Jay softly, and murmured a goodmorning…….This time, Jay aroused Kush, and they made love again…..morning love…….but this time, it was tender and passionate, not awkward and hurried. When Kush rushed into the shower, and to get dressed for the day, Jay lazily got out of bed, contented……almost as if intoxicated……as if the magic….the mystic of last night hadn’t died down yet……As if in a trance, Jay ambled to the attached bathroom…….shuddering with self ecstasy…..wondering if it was all a dream……a dream he didn’t want to get up from……..

What occurred in the next week was like a whirlwind for Jay. The rehearsals in the day at the studio on the sets, in the evenings at Kush’s place, the lunches with staff, the dinners with Kush at lavish restaurants, or at home, the late drives around town, visits to the deserted beach at 2 am, the midnight snacks, the vigorous gymming, again the endless mugging up of dialogues, the secret sensual nights on the same bed, sex, pure sex……and bliss, and on top of everything, managing the ravaging emotions that come to haunt one, during an affair as such. Yes, for it was an affair, short lived……Jay knew that, but Jay didn’t want to lose it……he felt he’d found love….at last……

The actual shooting had been delayed by another week coz of some financial loopholes, but the anxiety was apparent as the sets became more electric, and the crew more serious. Secretly, Jay was glad he’d gotten the role, to play a ‘gay’ man…….Jay longed for the scene that would come several episodes later, when ‘Piyush’ confesses his love for his office executive, ’Rahul’……..Jay felt he didn’t have to act that scene…..it would come naturally…….he did love ‘Rahul’…….he did love Kush, more than anything else now…….but Jay didn’t like the story after that, when ‘Rahul’ is shocked by ‘Piyush’s’ predicament, and shuns him……ignores him…….even humiliates him in front of the office one day……..Kush isn’t like that, Jay thought, Kush would never hurt me……..I love him……moreover, Kush loves me…..he made the advance first……..he approached me……now we’ve stumbled in a relationship, which I pray doesn’t end up in the ditch…….no, Kush loves me……over and over, Jay tried to convince himself……but still his convictions weakened…….when Kush talked less to him with the crew around, when Kush spent hours on the phone at home……when Kush busied himself making meals and told Jay not to interfere in between……and when Kush went out for drives by himself sometimes….saying he wanted to pick up some clothes from the laundry, or get some video from the library…….but still, Kush hadn’t hinted about Jay leaving, nor did the lust and sex that ensued in the dark hours of the night slacken……..Jay mistook those love-making sessions…….for real love…….for Kush, it was just benefiting from opportunity……

Kush was the first to hear the decision, just days prior to shooting commenced, authority had decided to drop the project, fearing criticism and censorship. The producer wanted to personally apologize for the futile efforts by the artists, but proposed to include all of them in the next upcoming project which was another family melodrama!……but ofcourse, the next project had just one main love pair…….one hero, and heroine, surrounded by their families……so the question was……who would be selected to play the role……..Kush……or Jay?……..Nobody came to know of the private meeting between Kush and the Producer that evening…… not even Jay. Jay, under the impression that Kush had gone to visit an old friend, was listlessly viewing the television at Kush’s place……..waiting for Kush to return……..unaware that the whole contract had been terminated, and a new one was being framed now…….a contract that didn’t involve him……..anymore……..

That night at the dinner table, Kush appeared unnecessarily nervy, Jay felt the omen….as if something ill was going to strike at him….or them……Jay couldn’t gauge Kush’s grim expression, and those quick movements of his hands with the fork…….It was during the second helping of the Chinese fried noodles, and vegetable Manchurian, that Kush braced the subject…….with the same cool, composed manner……

‘Jay, you liked the food……didn’t you?’
Jay nodded……his words failing him as he tried to fathom what it is Kush was trying to convey…..
A brief silence….broken by the tinkle of glass……and the clatter of spoons and forks attacking the plate with gusto……
Kush continued…….without hesitation……
‘Jay, I believe the shooting isn’t going to begin soon, the Producer and technical team are still trying to cope up with the drawbacks……It seems, there might be further postponing in the plans, that’s what I heard from the Producer when we packed up today, you’d already left of-course, so he asked me to break the news to you……that there might not be a serial at all, that the entire project maybe dumped…..still, they’re trying….let’s see……’
Jay was trying to comprehend what he was hearing…….he failed to nod……he just stared at the unrevealing face in front of him……Kush went on….
‘Jay, since nothing is finalized as yet, I think it in the best interest that you move back to your apartment…….in Versova…..I mean, no use you staying here anymore, as the night rehearsals which have been conducted here till now have been ruled out…….any ways, better you leave, before someone starts getting suspicious about you……or me…….it was a temporary arrangement after all……best to let sleeping dogs lie isn’t it?……we must be careful, the profession we’re in…….you understand?’…….
Jay managed to nod……..though he felt something snapping within him……and it hurt…..very badly…..
‘So Jay, after dinner, I’ve been called at a friend’s place so I have to go……but I’ll help wind up your stuff……and drop you back…..at your…..home….ok?’……
‘Uhh….oh, no, no…don’t bother……I can catch a taxi…..I’m used to it……thanks any way….’, Jay mumbled.
Another silence…….it seemed like an eternity to Jay……finally he found the courage to muster….
‘Kush……why did you do this to me?…..I thought…….I don’t know…..I thought you liked me…..I know I’m mistaken, but you could have cleared it from the start, instead of playing along and saying ‘I love you’ each night to me……’
His eyes were met with a steely glance from Kush
‘Jay, I do like you….just as a friend, and that hasn’t changed anything, what do you think, just coz I have gay tendencies, that I should be head over heels in love with you now……what do you want me to do, propose to you?!’…….
‘I never said that Kush, but if you just wanted to play, you should have made it clear……first you make it irresistible for me to get attached to you so, and then you back off saying we ought to part ways…..I can handle that, if you’d just been clear about it’…….
‘Hey, Jay, I didn’t do anything, you were just as attracted as I was, and we are humans……things happen, even mistakes…..admit it, it was as much your mistake as mine….you craved for lust just as much as I did, and now you say I should have been clear about it!……so what were you looking for….a fairytale romance?!…..the prince brings the princess to the palace and they live happily ever after huh?!!…..look, your just as confused as I am…..about what we’re looking for….frankly, I’m looking for fun, plain fun with no strings attached, I don’t want anything to affect my career at this stage, not even love, so I’ve had it, as soon as I realized you feel so sacredly about all of this, I’m being point blank rude enough to tell you to get out of my place!!……and next time Jay, be sure of what your looking for, and write it all over your damn face!’……..Kush mouthed……with rising tempo……and indignation……
‘I know what I’m looking for…….I’m not craving for sex like you, you ….you……’, Jay paused, he didn’t want to start a brawl……he controlled himself before continuing, ‘I’m looking for love, decent, genuine, long lasting, and fulfilling……I faltered, I should have known better, I thought I came a step closer in realizing my dream…..but I see I made a wrong choice….the worst choice if I may say, never again….never again……..Good luck to you for everything, hope you achieve what you want in life…..I pray you realize what counts, what is valued……anyway I’m no one to say this, but I think you’re one selfish stuck up fool, otherwise you’re alright!’…….
‘Jay, dammit, what nerve insulting me in my house, just goes to show how principled and proper you are……go get your stuff now, we’re leaving as soon as I clear the table….I cant stand this one more minute……out!!’…..
Kush got to his feet……reached over for Jay……whether it was to hit him, or just gently nudge him, Jay never knew……for at that moment, the phone rang…….and Kush, cursing, rushed out to attend to it…….
By the time Kush returned to the dining table, Jay wasn’t there……in-fact, Jay wasn’t in the house anymore……Kush, relieved that it had gone better than he’d expected, fastened the doors before retreating to clear the table at ease……he didn’t have to visit any ‘friend’ now, that was just a tact to get Jay out…….Kush settled with a huge bowl of fruit cream dessert, in front of the TV……on instinct, he called up the Producer just in case, then retired to switching channels……..while relishing each bite of the cold sweet dish…….though….it wasn’t as cold as his heart…….

Jay had no assignments on hand, the one in which he was actively involved had been cancelled…….Kush had told him that……just to confirm……Jay had called up the Producer, and was told the same thing……the project in the pipeline was down the drain…….But the Producer was courteous enough to apologize before hanging up…….of-course, Jay was not to be told about any new project, that was part of the deal……a deal involving a handshake above the table, and a little glimmer of cash under it…….Jay was to be kept out…….

Jay returned to his Versova flat very late, he had returned after drawing out all his savings from the Bank……all that he had earned in pursuit of fame…….now that zeal had died, he wanted to go away……..even if it was for a while……..but far away……..He knew he would no longer be accepted at home, in Jaipur, even if his mom welcomed him, his dad would throw a fit......he had no other choice, he would go visit his sister’s place, her elder sister who had settled after marriage in Delhi, and from there he would try to go abroad somewhere………Jay even contemplated completing his higher academics abroad……He’d booked the next flight to Delhi. Jay finished packing all his belongings, the fact that his flat mates were out……maybe in some club boozing made it easier for Jay, he’d leave a note with an explanation for so sudden a departure…….Looking over the threshold of the compact apartment one last time, Jay heaved out all his luggage into the corridor…….and closed the door of the dark house……..
Jay didn’t read the gossip columns of the local media magazine a few weeks later……but then, it wouldn’t have altered his course of action……..Jay was off for USA……..

The column cutting…….
“Shah Brothers venture dies, out emerges from the ashes, a new entertainment drama for the family. The Producer, Mr. H. Shah, confessed their earlier script was dumped after plenty of reviews, as it dealt with a controversial topic, which wouldn’t have helped it’s TRP ratings as far as the middle class audience is concerned. Inside sources reveal the earlier project revolved around ‘gay-relationships’ in the Indian working society. It seems all the involved artists were quite enthusiastic in-spite of the risks, but because of profit doubts, and fear of critical backfire, the whole contract was terminated. Fortunately for the artists, who had spent hours on rehearsals with the previous script, all but one have been signed in for the next major release by the Shah’s Production home. Strange facts revolve around the disappearance of model and media-artiste Jay Malhotra from the Mumbai circuit, though his movements have been reported as of late, the aspiring actor’s sudden departure from the media world comes as a mild surprise, as such incidents have occurred before with others. Jay left for Delhi on the 12th inst. and is now reported to be on his way to USA. Though he has avoided publicity his last few days in the country, still we wonder if his this move is to complete his higher education abroad, as his sister revealed, or it’s a planned move to make it big on the international ramp, and ultimately, Hollywood!…..Our best wishes to this talented young gentleman from Jaipur, and also our heartiest wishes to all the artists and crew who are now amidst preparations to launch a new family soap entitled ‘Tootte Bandhan’………One of the most unexpected happenings, is why our charismatic Jay wasn’t offered a role in this serial?, or maybe he was offered one but turned it down?…….The Producer wishes to keep silent on that point, while current lead actor and media darling Kush Tiwari replies mockingly about letting sleeping dogs lie!!…..We wonder if he’s comparing himself to a dog!!……Hasn’t Kush heard that raving party tune…..’Who let the dogs out! Bow-Wow-Bow-Wow!!’……..