Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Yawn! God, make them stop!

Picture this. Yawn!!! You're the lone gay guy amidst a bunch of straight blokes and they are discussing something which you don't really care about. Yawn again!!! How many times have you faced this kind of a situation?

Being a part of such a group of straight boys is quite a challenge for most closet cases. Even if you're out to them, it can be quite intimidating. I can tell you from personal experience, the usual topics of discussion among the straight boys are as insipid to the gay palate as a dirty magazine would be to them without their centrespreads of big-busted beauties.

Nevertheless, on many occasions we find ourselves in social situations where we are probably the only gay person in a quarter mile radius. What do we do? Should we just walk away or should we stick around and feign interest? I, for one have tried both. Like in college, on numerous occasions, I found myself in a room full of guys discussing about the 'availability' of a certain girl or watching some straight porn. I had to excuse myself because it made me genuinely uncomfortable. Cricket and all other forms of sports were off limits as well as topics of discussion. Many a times, I simply faked interest in their banter just in a vain attempt to fit in. I can't say that I was successful in any of that.

The two options I spoke about above may work differently in different situations. In few cases, dashing to the nearest exit may be the best option especially when you know that you'd probably end up slashing your own wrists out of boredom at the end of the discussion. But in most cases, this may not work. Simply because, you can't run away from social gatherings or group situations just like that. If you do, people may label you as a 'prude' (trust me, I know) and that I am sure, you would not like. So, what do we do? The best recourse is to deliberately and cautiously try to change the topic of discussion to something which you find comfortable to be a part of. For example, if they are talking about Cricket and going on boring you with a ball-by-ball perspective about the latest match, digress the discussion by simply talking about the latest gossip about the 'alleged' link up between a certain celebrity and a cricketer. Or if they are talking rather grossly about a certain girl you know and her curves, simply say that you've some exclusive information about her. If they ask you, how, just put up a 'straight' face and tell them she confides in you more than any of them.

Faking interest is an art. You can perfect it only after several months if not years of practice. The first step to faking interest is to know that it's all about your facial expressions, eye contact, body language and using every possible tool at your disposal that will make it believable. The best way to start off faking interest is to start watching a rather boring TV show with a friend or a family member. Chances are, that if you manage to fake 'genuine' interest in the show, they'll either ask you to change the channel or say 'Why in God's name are you watching this'? When they do ask you that, just say "Sshhh, this is really interesting." If they ask you this, be rest assured that you're on the road to success as a 'genuine' faker. :) Remember, practice makes a man perfect. So, go on doing this until you become immune to the utter nonsense playing on TV.

The next step is to master eye contact. When someone is speaking something you care two hoots about, look into the eyes of the speaker for some time and then look around. Looking too intently at the speaker may well convince the speaker that you're some kind of a weird psychopath. On the other hand, if you don't look at him/her at all, that'll be dead give away that you're not interested. Equally important is your body language. Try to suppress your sighs and yawns. Those are give-aways too. Rest your cheek on your hand and nod your head every once in a while to show that you're actually 'listening' to what's being said. It's also a good thing to throw in some words like 'Really?', or 'Oh I see', or 'Hmmm'. Try using neutral words as far as possible. Avoid using sentences like - "I agree / disagree" or "That's a good point" which will entail that you participate in the discussion as well which you really do not want.

When the going gets too tough, its time to take out the last arrow from the quiver. When all the above technique fails, you've to find a creative way to excuse yourself. In today's world of communications, a call on your cell phone is the best way to leave causing the least heartburn. While the speaker is blabbering away, text a close friend to call you and when s/he does, pick up the call and dash to the nearest exit. After exactly five minutes, come back and say to the group that you've to rush as something came up. People wouldn't mind letting you go. The other way is to excuse yourself to the restroom and then take a detour from there never to return. You can later explain to the group that you left because you met an old school friend or became sick. This may work out really well if you're a part of a larger group of people hanging out together. You can find really interesting ways to make this last recourse seem as plausible as possible. Just remember, we don't really hate the person in question. He may be a close friend but we genuinely don't care about what he may be talking about. :)


Anonymous said...

OH Jeet! Are you guys all 18?
Am gay but I hang out mostly with straight people! men , women! You just have to find friends whose life revolves around more than sex! in otherwords who have a life! and you will be fine as long as most of your conversation doesn't involve sex and the city and which boy is hot.

You don't look that kind of guy. You are pretty smart, hotstuff!

apoorva said...

hey! I'm from DNA newspaper, and we are interested in including an excerpt from your blog on our LGBT page - with credit and link of course. If you're interested, please mail me on apoorvadutt88@gmail.com . Thanks!

Hilde Orens said...

Dear Sir,
Check out the short gay film '306'; written, directed and produced by film maker Elliot London. Set in Chicago, IL, this 11 minute short film shows a day in the life of a young man. Without a single word spoken, '306' is full of emotion and shows us exactly how Eric (played by Brian Estel) feels at all times. Beautifully shot and great acting.
In just one month, '306' received over 95,000 hits on Vimeo and was viewed in over 155 countries in every continent of the world.
When you watch '306' you will think you know it all, but you don't. Judge for yourselves.


I hope you will enjoy and publish a review on '306' on your website.


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