Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Broken Dream

‘ What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?

If I stayed,
If you tried,
If we could only pass this tide,

But I guess we’ll never know,
But I guess…..we’ll never know……'
Every cracked mirror was once a work of art and genius, or so I’ve heard. But then I’ve also heard that mirrors are made to break……some day. I wonder, are hearts made to break in love too……..some day?……It’s a frightening thought, but a harsh reality……at-least, in my case it’s proved true…….People say falling in love is easy, and maintaining that love, and enabling it to bloom n grow is hard……yet, it’s nothing compared to the sheer dilemma, and devastation……of having to let go, of a beloved……..someone who you thought meant the world to you, leaves you……betrayed……alone…….sad, and even guilty for your love. It’s ironically relevant that love in today’s age is like the tossing of a coin, so unpredictable, unstable……and unreliable…….fluctuating…..and conditional. I thought love changed lives, to be honest, it does, but whether in a positive or negative way, only time….n fate can tell…….My love-story was pre-destined to end abruptly…….incomplete and exhausted, yet…….I can relate every phase, and detail of it, with utmost precision……..for me, it’s like it just happened yesterday…….that we ‘accidentally’ crossed each others paths……. Giri was the new sensation of FM. A radio-jockey, and a gifted one at that, he was nothing less of a prodigy when it came to hosting a celebrity talk show on-air. It was one of those shows, wherein the RJ interacts with the public through phone calls, that I first spoke to him. He was funny, witty, exuberant, exciting, naughty, nice, debonair, debating, respectful, reasoning, sexy and sensible all at the same time!…..And that was quite like pulling the rabbit out of the magician’s hat!……His voice was his best attribute, rich, warm, flowing, intoxicating, sensual, purring, deep, resonating……shy, timid, and sweet!……It was his golden voice that first caught my ears……I admit, he was so natural, I think I had a secret crush on him ever since I heard him on the 3 pm afternoon show. I turned a regular listener, and admirer of his obvious talent. Then I was a regular caller…….finally I struck gold, I won a gift-hamper on his show, for a very creative-freaky message to my best friend…..(he didn’t realize that message was meant for him only!)……It’s when I went to the branch office to collect my win, did I stray into his midst…….I was bewitched, he turned out to be a spectacular looker too!……I began to wonder if God hadn’t been a wee-bit too partial while in the process of his creation……coz Giri not just claimed the looks, he also graced the charm and magnetism which a few are truly blessed with……Initially this was quite a blow, for it was a sudden enlightening, I in no aspect matched his aura…..thus I should have given up dreaming about him….and us that very first day……but, you know how senseless the heart is……give it a dream and it’ll cling to it with the fervor of a prisoner longing for liberty…….Love is just the opposite, the heart clings for imprisonment……since it’s in adept to remain independent forever……To be honest, he had me trapped…….and well, I never wanted to escape……..and finally, neither could he!……

I guess we were simultaneous in our assessing each other, and rather spontaneous the way we revealed it to each other too. I suppose that is the first and last time I saw him tongue-tied, n lost for words on the defense……but he was, and is, always very diplomatic, always knew which trump to play when and in a way it pleases the opposite person……We came out to each other, and sitting back now, I reflect on the causes for his self-revelation………Was it that he really loved me, or was it he was desperate enough to need someone to want him?…….There’s a lot of difference in actually being in love, and wanting to be in it…….As for me, I tried being not so easy-to-get……….but then I was, for I loved him intensely……to the extent I’d do anything for him……and everything……

I recall our 4th night together, within a fortnight of our 3rd…….after an exotic sea-food dinner at a popular restaurant, on our drive back to his posh apartment, we were listening to the theme of ‘Titanic’…...I was immersed in the feeling of that moment……I couldn’t help avoiding the fact that I loved the guy who was driving the car, and with whom I’d spent nights before too…..meaning we were in a relationship, if you could call it that…….but my this love for him…..was in dire need of an ultimatum, if nothing else, at-least to give me a sense of security, that yes he knows I love him, n I’m assured he loves me back……I needed that……well, there was nothing else to it, I proposed to him there n then……..His reaction was that of mixed emotions……surprise, satisfaction, a slow smile lingering in his lips……and just for a split second, apprehension in those deep brown eyes……..overall he was pleased I guess, but……I suppose all the trouble began there…….for later I was to discover, his love for me was…….just for fun…….no possessiveness involved, no strings attached…….That night when I offered him my heart, he realized things were getting a bit too serious……..and he wasn’t game to take up that risk……coz for him, love was the biggest gamble……..and commitment, an impossible bet…….

We met many times after that too, but he was careful never to invite me to his house after that night…..instead, he’d make awkward and uncomfortable advances on me in his car, during the drives back from dinner or so…….Well, I now was confused……if he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t make me those passes, but then he didn’t want to admit he loved me enough to commit…….for that matter even I didn’t want him to commit to this relationship, but at-least I would have liked to hear that he loved me, n that my love made a difference to him…….no such words were ever uttered……..In spite of being ‘in-love’, I felt incomplete……as if I was hanging in air without any support and I could see the ground way below me, and I know I’m gonna fall soon, n get badly hurt at that…….For a while, I felt he was using me, just for the sake that I was his friend, someone who would be always available to him……but I didn’t want to bother him with my fears and doubts, and especially, I didn’t want to question him about our ‘relationship’ again……that one night where my proposal was greeted with a cold silence was proof enough for me that he didn’t care to analyze and autopsy ‘our’ feelings for each other……and that was okay with me, I didn’t wanna push myself down his throat……I too was happy at at-least being able to spend time with him, n he was thoughtful enough to take out time for me, from his over flowing work schedule…….Anyway, I’d heard somewhere about this…..a quote which went, ‘Love is like quicksilver in your hand, leave your hand open and it’ll stay, try to close it, n the quicksilver will dart away from your grip’……..Fine, I agreed with that……I gave him all the freedom he wanted, let him have as much fun with me that he’d desire……but…..then what?……Simple, he got tired of me, n very conveniently got attracted to someone else…..this time a girl…….and then on, was very formal in his ‘friendship’ towards me……

Our last private conversation is vividly fresh in my mind…..and memories…….
We were in his car…….He’d offered to drop me back home from my college, which was stone’s throw from the studio where he worked…….He was in a hurry, as he had a date with Smita already planned for that evening…….Smita is a girl from my college, n was his present romantic interest……He was brief and devoid of sentimentality in his speech…..
‘Vivek……coll’s fine isn’t it?’
‘Uh-huh’
‘How are your folks doing?’
‘Fine’
‘Why aren’t u talking much?…..Usually your quite talkative, what’s up?……feeling okay?’
‘I’m okay……’
‘No, your not…….what is it, get it out, we’re supposed to be friends remember?’
‘Giri……I…..’
‘Vivek, is something upsetting you?’
‘I……Well……No……I don’t think so…….’
‘Open up yaar, you aren’t the Vivek I knew……before, kya baat hai…..Viv?’
‘Oh…..so you still remember the name you kept for me…….at one time……’
‘Meaning what?’
‘Don’t you think Giri……I’m not the one who has changed……you have……’
‘Are you trying to imply something here?’
‘You’ve changed haven’t you Giri?’
‘Don’t we all change sometime or the other, doesn’t the world run on change?’
‘If people kept changing colors, how would we know whom to trust, and whom to not, n who are dependable?’
‘Are you saying you don’t trust me anymore?’
‘I didn’t say that….’
‘Oh- then what are you saying?’
‘Just this…….I thought we were more than just….friends?’
‘Wait a minute, look I admit I do like you a lot……maybe I even love you……but then, hey we live in a society n we have to follow the norms……I don’t think I can commit to such a relationship…..Yes, we did have some swell times together, but that was pure fun…..n admit it you enjoyed it as much as I did……but that doesn’t mean I love you enough to be yours…..I never did indicate that did I?’
Silence…….a tense silence……I was gazing intently at him……on the guy I believed was worthy of my love……
He continued,
‘Viv, we’re pals…….n we can share everything, just like we have so far……n that wont change….not ever……see, I love you as a friend……but as a lover, I’m not sure…..besides, I don’t wanna risk falling in love now…...not when I’m making it big in the radio industry…..Life’s tough, but you have to choose wisely, I cant afford to make the wrong moves from my position…..Gimme a break, n see it from my point of view……Can you do that?’
‘Giri……love isn’t pre-planned……’
‘Viv, I’m not in the mood to be ethical n philosophically sound now……I’m a practical guy, I think rationally’
‘Always?……Humans are bound to make mistakes, right?’
‘Well……yes……but in this case, I’ve not erred……I never did commit……n I don’t want love as of now’
‘Giri…..you can save your breath…..I know about Smita….’
This time the silence was electrifyingly tense……..Giri was on checkmate…….but he was a shrewd player at this game……Love for him was nothing more than……a sport…..
‘Smita….?’
‘Yes, Smita is in the same coll I am, I thought you’d know that by now……n I also know you like her, n she’s probably already in love with you……so if you’re so against falling in love, why the courtship with a pretty girl?……from what I know of her, she’s not just pretty, she’s smart too…’
‘Okay, since your aware of everything……let me tell you, Yes, I do like her…..n we’ve been on a couple of dates together…….but…..that’s all……’
‘And I suppose this too is your idea of fun?’
‘Maybe……Hey, why are we discussing about a matter irrelevant here, this is about us…..as far as I’m concerned, I’ve always in the past considered you a great friend……..I’ll continue to do so in the future too…..’
‘Giri……for once, be honest to yourself……you cant escape love, it just happens……you cant pretend you don’t need it, coz you do……stop playing heart games…..or mind games…..or whatever…..I’m not saying love me……but be honest to those you do love……otherwise you’re just hurting others…..and yourself too….’
‘I’m not hurt’
‘But……I am….’
‘So you want me to apologize eh…..okay, I’m sorry Viv…..there, does that make you feel any better?’……His tone was sarcastic, he was annoyed…..
‘I don’t want you to apologize to me….’
‘Then what in heavens name do you want yaar…..why all this accusation then?’
‘Nothing…….I just don’t want someone else hurt……by you, and Giri, don’t run away from love, it’ll just keep chasing you then…….at-least be grateful to the love you’re getting…….not everyone is blessed with it…..’
‘Viv……chill…….we’re not in love……not that kind of love I mean…..’
‘Giri, I know just one kind of love, I’m a fool, I don’t know the diversification and classifications involved……Love to me is just love, pure, true……and good’
‘And we’re back to square one, you’re proposing to me again aren’t you Viv?’
‘No…….I’m not’
‘Then all this is about the weather is it?!’……now his tone was mocking……n I felt…….like I was beating against a dead wall……
‘Giri……I admit I loved you……I still do…..but if I’m capable of love, I ought to be capable of sacrifice too, if that is gonna make you happy…….as for my happiness……..well…’
‘Hey, now you’re talking like a saint…..’Sacrifice!’……by the way, whoever told you to love me, I didn’t!’
‘No, you didn’t…….my heart did…..’
‘So now your blaming me for what your heart did…….that’s dumb!’
‘I’m not blaming you……..I’m…..I…….I just don’t want you to repeat what you’ve done to me…to someone else…….it’s not ……a nice…….experience’
‘Viv……I have to say this…..Shut- Up!……Stop advising me about my affairs, I can handle them myself…..’
‘Yes…….you can…..I’m sure’
‘Good……Well then, pleasure having this fun chat on us, now if you don’t mind, we’re here, so kindly move your ass, I’ve to rush home myself…….’
‘What…….oh…..yeah……we’re home…..anyways, thanks for the lift Giri……see ya sometime……’
‘Sure dude…..I’ll call you up okay…..take care, n be good’…….chuckling, he winked in my direction……
‘You too…….bye’
‘Bye…….Viv darling’
I froze galvanized to the spot……..He laughed lightly, then was quick to add….
‘Just kidding stupid……don’t mind, your sweet……n surely a darling right’
‘Bye Giri’…….
He drove away……..I rushed upstairs……I couldn’t face mom then…..I went to the building terrace…….to cry to my heart’s content…..and I did just that……
About 3 weeks later, I heard Giri n Smita were a hot couple at the Gizmos……the very same restaurant I had accompanied him to, on many a dates……I crossed paths with Smita daily……we were ‘hi-bye’ friends……but somehow it reached her ears, that I and Giri were close friends……hence she opened up to me, more so I guess, as she wanted to know more about ‘her guy’……
One evening, after coll, it was pelting cats n dogs, and both of us had missed our buses, we decided to share an auto home……she’d continue after I’d get off, as my stop came first…….It was the first…..and last time, we were in close quarters n engrossed in a private talk……before we were always amongst common friends…….however, being alone…..her manner became confidential, that of a close friend…..
‘Since you know Giri very well, or so I’ve heard…..I have to confess I was absolutely bawled over by him…..I suppose I really do love him, what’s more, he reciprocates back, so guess he likes me too, do u think he’ll love me too?’
‘Smita, how can I say that, I’m his friend, not his mind’
‘Vivek, Love’s got to do with the heart, who cares about his mind……I was talking about his heart…’
‘Well…….even that I cant say……but yes, he does like you, don’t know how far that’ll take you both though…..’
‘Hmmm……but his liking can turn to love in the future right?’
‘Anything is possible Smita…..life doesn’t come with guarantees, otherwise it wouldn’t be called Life…..love is a part of life, so it’s just as tricky…..’
‘Are you saying something…….what do you mean?’
‘Just this, if we care to love, we ought to be able to survive the battles within it too……love isn’t easy, n it does take time……so be steady, careful, patient…..and have faith, rest is up to Him, for only He judges over every love-story, n gives it it’s verdict……’
Smita was surveying me awe-struck……..her gaze penetrating, her mind calculating……Thoughtfully she replied,
‘Yes, love is not a game, and the heart isn’t a play-thing, guilty are all those who think so, and also those who allow others to play with their hearts……I’m not stupid, I can take care of my heart, I’ve been doing it for so long, and this responsibility will be mine always…..giving my heart to someone doesn’t mean that person will get the reins over me…..but personally, that was a good insight Vivek…….you’ve given me something to think about…..’
And she had opened my eyes……..Unknowingly she’d pointed to why I’d failed in love…….I was weak-hearted n allowed him to rule my heart…..n body too……but love isn’t about ruling and being ruled……it’s about being responsible and respecting one another, and our own self first……that’s where I’d lost…….I never respected my feelings, I was never responsible for myself……By not saying anything, I was just running away from reality……n I kept running……till he lost sight of me……..I was guilty……coz I played by him, but was I guilty of loving him?……..
We arrived in my vicinity, I disembarked, bid Smita farewell, n headed home…….The rains were still lashing down, but this time……my eyes were dry……
Coincidentally, Giri spotted me n Smita together in the auto that day…….Anxious I’d have ruined his chances of winning her, he called me that night……Our conversation was short, he was furious, and I didn’t want to argue with him…..
‘Viv, I thought we were pals……and look what you’re doing, when you saw you couldn’t influence me with your charm, you go up to Smita…….I saw you both together this evening, I’ve not had an opportunity to call her today, but before I talk to her, I wanna know what you’ve told her about me?’…..he voiced, enraged….
I was quiet for a moment……weighing how to reply to him in his state of mind…..
‘Giri, please calm down, we shared an auto home since we missed our buses n as it was raining so hard…..She’s learnt we’re friends, so she asked me if I knew whether you loved her or no…….I didn’t reply to that, said I didn’t know, n that she should ask you herself……But, I know she’s an intelligent girl Giri……don’t play with her feelings, she’s not gonna stand for it’
‘I know you’ve talked her against me, she didn’t even call me up today……..’
‘No, I didn’t……infact….it was she who revealed to me the reason why I’ve lost in love……..but then I don’t wish to discuss this with you….you’ll be least bothered anyways……’
‘Viv, stay away from her, she’s my keeps……don’t dare go opening your mouth to her, or anyone else about us……there is nothing between us except a friendship…..which to me now….seems dangerous’
Then, I snapped….after all I’m human too…….yes, I maybe a bad lover……but I wasn’t a bad friend…..n I couldn’t stand him slandering me with insults…….I answered back forcefully,
‘Fine Giri!……if you don’t care about a friendship then let’s give it up, I don’t want to remain a source of tension n anxiety to you…….if you can only think how wicked n dangerous I am to you, then why the hell should we even be friends?!…..But lemme say this, with friends like you, who needs enemies!…..Goodbye Giri……have a great life, I wont ever create problems for you again…..one thing, Smita and I are in the same coll…..I’ll keep my distance, but if she comes up to me, I’m gonna be what I always was to her, a friend……n I wont harm your image in her eyes okay…….now……Bye!’
Saying this, I replaced the receiver with gusto…….I’d just lost a friend, to be frank…….this was more painful than letting go of one’s love……Friendship is the purest n most prized of all relations, for all relations begin with it…….One can get over losing a love, but losing a friend………is a different story……
After a while, I began to question myself……how good or bad a friend was I?……I knew I’d done wrong by raising my voice at Giri…….but, petty ego kept me from apologizing for that……but then, since we’d broken up even that relation between us, I was constantly consumed by the doubt, whether I should say sorry or no?…….My conscience took the better of me, compassion overcame anger…….hope n healing replaced helplessness……and I mailed him a short message asking for forgiveness, n extending the old hand of friendship again……I didn’t want my conscience to trouble me later, that I was a wrong-doer at the end…….anyways………my that mail has never been replied……
Giri has almost like vanished from the surface of my planet……as for Smita, I see her regularly, but we don’t talk much……after that confrontation in the auto that rainy day, she too has turned blind to me…….either Giri and she are together n he’s warned her against me, or they’ve broken up and she holds some grudge at me, thinking that maybe I hatched they’re break-up by planting suspicion in her mind……..I don’t know, but Smita has changed after that day……..
I wonder if I’ve changed too?…….Although, I know, my feelings towards love and life have undergone a catalytic conversion……Love is not the mushy, rosy, honey-sweet puppy love that strikes you and pulls you into it head, foot n sinker……Love is like the nectar divine which fills an empty soul with life, and a heart with youth……..However, when it comes to love, be cautious, many a times…….fate presents poison in disguise……posing as the nectar of love……and we learn of it’s identity after tasting it, when it’s too late!……And it’s said, any nectar, taken in excess, has a reverse effect, it can turn poisonous!…….Same way, love needs a balance, a discipline…….a guidance, or it gets out of hand…….Nectar or Poison, Love is worth tasting once in any case……..for it’s better to love n lose than to not love at all…….

In our case, I guess we just didn’t try hard enough…….I was weak, he was adamant……but I truly did care for him…..and…well……I sometimes wonder how I could have bettered myself then, so as not to lose Giri……as a love……as a friend…….as a person down memory lane, who made a difference to me…….Does he ever think of me, as I do of him…..guess I’ll never know…….

‘What if I had never let you go?, Would you be the man I used to know? What if I had never walked away?, What if I loved you night and every day? If I stayed, If you tried, If we could only pass this tide, But I guess we’ll never know, But I guess…….we’ll never know…….’

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